


Connie Swap Episode 24: Gems-ology, The Collection

by br42, BurdenKing, MjStudioArts



Series: Connie Swap [24]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Anxiety, Art, Deaf, Deaf Character, Drama, F/F, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Momswap, Pictures, Platonic Romance, Slice of Life, Steven Universe AU, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-05 03:14:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 47,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15161288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42, https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurdenKing/pseuds/BurdenKing, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MjStudioArts/pseuds/MjStudioArts
Summary: At first Peridot, Lapis, and Jasper were the only gems in Connie's life. Now there's quite a few more. Connie and Steven spend some of their summer with each of them, old and new. A collection of stories about a collection of gems.





	1. Bismuth

"Really? 'Mark O'Diez?' Uncle Marco isn't even being subtle. That's, what, the third autograph he's gotten from your dad?"

Connie was sitting on a bar stool, her phone resting on the kitchen counter in front of her. She was busy braiding her hair so she heard Steven's response via speaker phone. Nearby was the plate of her picked-over breakfast.

"And the fourth from my mom _and_ the third fake mustache he's worn," chirped the phone in Steven's voice. "After Sour Cream's concert I'm going to ask him where he buys them."

Connie imagined Steven with a Yosemite Sam mustache and chuckled. "Given who your dad is, you'll probably be able to grow your own when you're older." She kicked her feet idly as she spoke. When Bismuth walked in from outside she gave the smith an acknowledging nod, the gem waving back and taking a spot on the couch.

"Oh, I've been shaving since I turned fourteen. I prefer smooth skin for me but-" and the voice over the phone shifted to a cheesy Italian accent, "undercover-a agent Peter Pizzapoppolis has-a the thick-a, black-a mustache and Marco's was-a perfecto."

Connie laughed and she heard a chuckle from the direction of the couch as well. "The name says 'Greek' but the accent says 'Mama mia!'" she quipped.

There was a pause in the conversation while she and Steven tittered. Bismuth looked amused even though Connie was pretty sure Italian accents hadn't existed five thousand years ago.

Connie had messed up a bit of braid while distracted, which she began to redo as she leaned toward the phone. "Speaking of pizza, did Jenny give you a shirt for the concert?"

As soon as Sour Cream's concert had been announced, his fellow Cool Kids had gotten busy promoting it around Beach City. Fliers had gone up around town and Fish Stew Pizza played the DJ's music as often as Jenny could sneak it past Kofi. The latest effort had been Buck making t-shirts showing the water tower advertisement on it --Sour Cream wearing mirrored shades and headphones, bent over a turntable-- which Jenny had been giving out to everyone she could find. Connie was wearing hers now.

"She did! Lion thought it was a good spot to nap on, so it's in the washer right now, but it should be out by the time you get here." There was a distant buzzing sound audible over the phone. "Oh, time to transfer it to the dryer now. I should go but I'll see you soon, Connie! This concert is going to be so much fun!"

Being careful to take her incomplete braid in one hand so it wouldn't unravel, Connie gave a parting 'Bye Steven' and then tapped the phone. She felt her cheeks ache a little from smiling through the call.

"I know that smile, Alloy," said Bismuth with a wink. "And I see it a lot when you're meeting with Meatball there. You two building something together?"

Another braid slipped. "Steven's my best friend but we're not, like, anything else."

Bismuth's smirk deepened but she let the subject drop. Instead she gestured to the braid Connie was attempting to correct. "Doesn't Green usually help you with that?"

Happy for the subject shift, Connie nodded. "Yeah, but she's out with Jasper rebuilding more sensor towers. Lapis helps sometimes but she said something about 'tour planning' and then flew off this morning. But it's okay, I can handle it myself."

Bismuth rose to her feet and walked over, leaning on the counter nearby. With a gesture to an untouched triangle of toast, she wordlessly asked if Connie was going to eat it.

"Oh, help yourself." Connie finished the braid. "I didn't know you ate food."

Bismuth withdrew a little vial of red powder out of a fold in her apron. Pulling out the stopper, she carefully shook a few granules onto the toast. "Plenty of rebels like-" She paused, her expression dimming slightly. _"Liked_ to eat. Raindrop does it like she's trying to win a bet," she said shaking her head a little. "But whenever I try it, the food just comes off as bland. So I like to add some fire salts-" With her free hand she raised the toast up and took a bite. A thin curl of smoke escaped the corner of her mouth as she chewed and swallowed. "-To give it a nice kick. You want some?"

Connie watched the smoke for a beat and then shook her head. Lapis had told her once that Bismuth bathed in lava. At the time Connie had written it off as Lapis' usual hyperbole, but now she was less sure of that. _Maybe Bismuth would like that spicy rasam soup dad made. Just sniffing it was enough to singe my nostrils._

Bismuth finished off the toast, stoppered the vial, and tucked it back into her apron. "Suit yourself." Wiping the crumbs from her hands, she asked, "Steven's base is in town, right?" the last traces of smoke escaping as she spoke.

"Base? Oh, you mean his home. Yeah. I'm heading there after I stop over at the Big Donut for snacks."

"Would you mind if I tagged along? I haven't gone into town yet and it sounds like humans have changed a lot since the war."

Bismuth was a gem who carried herself well, always at ease and friendly, radiating a more affable version of Jasper's unshakable confidence. It was only in moments like these, when the time she'd missed was brought front-and-center, that Connie could see hesitancy in the gem.

"Yeah, that'd be fine. You don't need to worry about it too much," she said, hopping off the stool. "This is Beach City; everyone's used to gem stuff here."

Bismuth slammed the countertop excitedly, her smile broad. "Great! I'll grab some gifts for the locals and we'll head out."

Three minutes later and Connie and Bismuth were heading out the door, the smith carrying a golf bag laden with a couple hundred pounds of assorted weaponry.

* * *

They'd barely reached the bottom of the Beach House stairs when Connie, feigning nonchalance, said, "Sooo, you know how mom had a panic power..."

Bismuth shook her head. "Sorry, Alloy, but the others told me to keep quiet about Yellow's abilities. I get the feeling that if I go blabbing again, Green will lock me out of the warp system and make me walk to all the missions."

Connie gave a reluctant nod. "Okay, and I will respect that. However, I already know about the panic and rage powers, so you're not doing anything wrong if we talk about that, right?" She looked up at Bismuth with what she hoped was an innocent expression.

Bismuth gave Connie a long, skeptical stare, a single eyebrow upraised. The girl started to squirm. A second later the smith laughed. "We sure can, Alloy! After all, I didn't realize until it was too late that you got the details out of me. You're just too sly." She gave Connie a wink and added, "That's how it happened, right?"

Connie blinked then nodded so hard she nearly shook one of her hearing aids loose.

Bismuth's eyes wandered away from Connie and went to taking in the scenery. "Another one of those sly deductions of yours? Keeping this sort of thing a secret from you seems silly to me. You ought to be fully armed and that stone of yours is the most powerful weapon you're ever going to get." She hitched the strap of her golf bag up a little higher, dreadlocks swaying with the motion. In a quieter voice she said, "But... Citrine did say not to and she sure as schist was right last time we talked." Another headshake and then Bismuth said in her usual jocular tone, "What do you want to know about it?"

"Everything! How did she do it? When could she do it? What did it look like when she did? Could she pick who she affected? How long did it last? Was it a power she started with or one she figured out?" Connie stopped there not because she was out of questions but more because she was out of breath.

Bismuth laughed, the smith's booming voice echoing off the cliff face. "If you're not interested you can just say so." She gave Connie a playful push that forced the girl to stagger a step or two. "Okay, let me think. How? I don't know. How does Blue do her water thing?" She shrugged, then had to adjust the strap over her shoulder before she continued. "When? She used it in battle. Other than that sword of hers, it was pretty much her signature move. Show up, Citrine does her thing and suddenly the guards along the battlements are too out of it to stop us coming over the top."

Connie had to stop herself from jostling the smith as they went, the girl walking practically on Bismuth's heels, as if she were cold and these details could warm her.

“It didn’t last too long, but in a fight that was usually long enough.” Bismuth flexed a bicep, her hand momentarily shifting into an axe-head. “The Crystal Gems don’t mess around.”

Bismuth hummed to herself a little, a verbal sign that the gem was thinking. Connie had noticed a few days into the gem's stay that Bismuth was always doing something, being active even when she was idle. "There weren't any big flashy effects. No yellow lasers or waves of energy or anything. Just Yellow going see-through and then the enemy acting cracked."

Connie inhaled so sharply some spit went down the wrong pipe. She had to cough and sputter for a few seconds before she could speak. "'Going all see-through?!' OH MY GOSH! That's what Tonnie did to Sconnie!"

Bismuth blinked. "Who did to what now?"

Connie waved her off. "Time clones. Hourglasses." She rounded on Bismuth. "Was she just see-through? Could she, I don't know, walk through walls and stuff?!"

"I'm just going to pretend that made sense," said Bismuth, giving Connie a look that was equal parts amusement and confusion. "Anyway, no, you could push Yellow around when she was like that. It was the main reason she needed someone like Rose to guard her in a fight: going see-through like that made her slower and weaker. She told me once that it was hard to do that and pay attention to the rest of the world. So she's there making an enemy flank collapse, you can't miss her since she's yellow and see-through, and she's a general of the Rebellion: every Agate worth her stone knows to try and take Yellow down.” 

Bismuth shook her head, then had to grab the strap of her golf bag to keep it from slipping off. “Until Raindrop came along, your mom was the most powerful weapon the Rebellion had, and in some fights you'd want Yellow over Blue anyway. Say what you will about Pink Diamond, I certainly do, but she was at least smart enough to have her super weapon emerge with a super defender to back it up. Yellow and Pink. Facing one was tough, but both of them together? Unstoppable."

Connie walked in a daze, her thoughts awhirl with images of her mom routing armies while sheltered by Jasper or the near-mythical Rose Quartz. It took her a moment to realize Bismuth had stopped talking, and even longer to reign in her overclocked imagination. Cudgeling her thoughts into order, Connie licked her lips and asked, "Didn't Homeworld have Citrines and Rose Quartzes of their own?"

Bismuth reached up to scratch one shoulder, the hand shapeshifting into something like a chisel as she did it. There was a rasping, metal-on-metal sound for a moment, then she gave a small shake of her head. "There weren't many Citrines and Rose Quartzes made by the time Pink and Yellow got the Rebellion rolling, and the rest of them pretty quickly got bubbled after that, loyal or no. If there's anything those Homeworld elites can't stand, it's an underling that might push back. Still, if Pink really did go back to Homeworld, maybe some of the bubbles got popped." Bismuth shrugged, broad shoulders rising and falling like the deck of ship.

Another minute passed in silence, surf noises notwithstanding, as Connie processed all this, holding each fact in her mind like a puzzle piece to be examined and placed carefully.

Bismuth's brows furrowed. "You okay, Alloy?"

Connie blinked owlishly, finding the world hard to pay attention to, just like her mom did while she was- _No, abort!_ She gave a sheepish smile. "Sorry, just a lot of food for thought."

Bismuth's grin was natural. "I had the same expression when I first thought of the poleaxe." She gestured upward and said, "But we're here for the other kind of food. This is the place, right?"

Connie startled slightly as her surroundings caught up with her. Big donut up top, patio tables and chairs out front, newspaper vending machines by the door, and fliers for today's concert taped in horizontal bands across the windows, some at easy height for Jenny Pizza, the rest at the much lower height where Nanefua had helped her granddaughter.

"Yeah, we're here." Connie stepped through when Bismuth opened the door --‘ding-a-ling’-- the large gem crouching slightly and turning sideways to follow after her. 

Standing behind the counter, face buried in his phone was Lars, the employee scowling slightly as he typed. There were several boxes of donuts sitting atop the counter, a note taped to the front reading, 'Concert Snacks.' The box nearest Lars was propped open and the redhead switched to using his phone one-handed while he grabbed one without ever looking away from the tiny display. The Big Donut was fairly tidy, the donuts gleaming in neat rows within the display. _Good, that means that Sadie's around here somewhere,_ thought the girl.

Connie walked up to the counter. The skull emblem on Lars’ ear gauge met her eye but Lars himself did not.

She cleared her throat. Was it her imagination or did one of Lars' eyebrows twitch? 

She reached up and rapped on the counter with her knuckles.

"Geeze, what do you want?" Lars demanded with a huff. Then he noticed the huge, gray-skinned woman with a rainbow spiral in her chest offering him a friendly wave. "Gah!"

Like a properly-trained Beach City citizen, Lars dropped behind the counter for cover.

Bismuth walked over and spoke in the calm and friendly voice of a kindergarten teacher. "Hello there. It's okay, little guy, we're not going to hurt you."

Ego pricked, Lars rose and tried to appear confident. He landed closer to cagy. "I knew that. I just dropped something." Scowling at Connie, Lars said, "Is this another crazy mom of yours? How many moms do you even have?"

Connie's demeanor was one of someone sucking on a lemon, and a second-rate lemon at that. A dozen retorts leaped to mind but the general haze of annoyance Lars inspired in her was too thick for her to single out just one. By the time she was settling on, 'Just the one and she saved the Earth so show a little respect,' Lars had already written her off and turned to gawk at Bismuth.

It turned into a third-rate lemon and Connie's arms crossed under the power sink that was making brisk progress through the colors.

"Neat hardware," said the smith, gesturing at the redhead's ears. "Thirty-two millimeters, stainless steel, right?"

Lars blinked. "Twenty-nine, actually. The outside is thirty-two but you count from the inner width."

Bismuth nodded. "Gotcha. Sorry, I've been away for a while so I'm still catching up on the details. I can tell you do a good job maintaining those. I'm guessing mineral oil."

Lars nodded dumbly, staring up at Bismuth with an open expression Connie had seldom seen on his face.

Bismuth reached back, pulling the golf bag around in front of her and digging inside. "If you like looped steel enough to wear it in your body, I'm betting you're going to love this." The smith withdrew a three-foot section of steel chain, each link shining brightly under the store's lighting. She coiled it up around one large hand and then held it out to Lars.

Lars gave the chain a look. Then he glanced at Bismuth and finally at Connie. "What the heck is-" WHAM! 

He'd reached out with one hand to grasp the proffered chain. As soon as Bismuth, who had biceps larger than the boy's head, shifted the weight to him, Lars' hand had dropped straight to the floor. As his hand was attached to his arm, and his arm to his body, the rest of Lars was only a millisecond behind in the race to the tile floor.

"Arg! What the hell?! That thing weighs a ton, and who the heck gives people chains?!" Lars clambered to his feet, carrot-colored tuft of hair askew. He started to scowl at Bismuth, immediately thought better of it, and then turned the full force of his disapproval on Connie. "You gonna order something or not?"

Nostrils flared, Connie said, "A dozen donuts." She managed, barely, not to clench her teeth while she ordered.

Lars nudged one of the unopened concert boxes an inch across the counter. "Here ya go. Eleven bucks."

"But that's-"

"Eleven bucks," repeated the employee, his cheeks flushed with equal parts embarrassment and frustration. "Pay or go away."

With brusque motions, Connie paid, grabbed the box, and left. One eyelid was twitching and she was gripping the box more tightly than was necessary as she stepped outside. 

Bismuth squeezed through the door and drew up beside Connie, crouching down so they were face-to-face. She had a mischievous grin on her face. "Alright, Alloy, what's the plan?"

Connie blinked and set the box down, her anger cooling slightly as she tried to think of a response. "Plan?" she eventually said, and a corner of Connie's mind facepalmed at her gift with words.

"Yeah. That guy was being a jerk. How are we going to get him back?" Bismuth looked like she was waiting excitedly for Connie to tell the punchline to a joke, a joke Connie didn't remember starting.

"Um. We... _don't?_ " she said, inflecting the end up into a question. "I mean, Lars is a jerk all the time, to everyone; that's just him being Lars. And if you're wanting to talk to his manager, don’t bother. Sadie has some kind of weird, Lars-shaped blindspot."

Bismuth's expression grew serious though mischief twinkled in her eyes. "Connie, putting jerks in their place is a core part of being part of the Rebellion."

"It is?"

Bismuth nodded sagely. "Absolutely. On Homeworld, some elite wants you to knock that wall down and build it again because bossing around laborers polishes their stone? You have to do it. Jerks are protected by the hierarchy. In the Rebellion, if someone tries to throw their weight around, you stick your foot out and laugh when they hit the ground. Homeworld punishes those who try to make it better. The Rebellion pranks those who try to make it worse."

Over the years, Connie had seen and been involved in a lot of what Bismuth was describing. Even Jasper, who could feel inhumanly serious sometimes, got in on the fun. Lapis and Bismuth's entire relationship seemed to be founded on good-natured conflict. And while Steven was pretty much the anti-jerk in every way, the destiny partners had pulled plenty of silly surprises on one another over the months.

But when Connie tried to imagine taking those sorts of antics outside the familiar confines of her friends and family...

Bismuth gently nudged her shoulder. "You think your mom let people push her around? She stood up to the _Diamonds."_

"Mom pranked people?" Now _this_ was new. The gems almost never spoke of her mom as anything other than the omni-competent savior of Earth, a person who was, at worst, a little aloof due to the burdens of leadership.

"Ha! You can bet your favorite facet she did! Force field over the doorway, vanishes and drops a bucket on someone's head? A classic." Bismuth's cheer was palpable. "She was usually classy about it, but she knew how to take someone down a peg."

Connie giggle. She actually giggled, which wasn't something she usually did when the subject of her mom came up. And there was hardly a person in Beach City more deserving than Lars, after all. However... "He's not going to get hurt though, right?"

Bismuth placed her hand over her gemstone. "Nothing bad. Protecting humans is part of being a Crystal Gem too," she said solemnly. Then her impish glee returned at full-force. "Now, are you in, because I've got an idea?"

Connie had a vulpine grin. "I am so totally in."

* * *

Ding-a-ling.

Connie got as far as the soda machine when Lars turned his angst-beams on her. “Ugh, what is it?” he said around a final bite of embezzled donut.

If Connie’s resolve had begun to waver, those four words made all her doubts evaporate. She was doing Righteousness’ work this day. “I just need to get a drink. Then I’ll get out of your,” _dumb, ugly_ “hair.”

Bismuth walked casually over toward the counter, crouched so she could examine the sparkling confections. She was humming a little tune to herself and appearing more nonchalant than Connie had thought the boisterous gem was capable.

Connie grabbed a cup and held it under one of the soda machine taps. There was a gurgling sound and an errant drop or two fell into the cup. She tried another flavor and got the same thing: little-to-nothing. “Hey, I think this thing isn’t working.”

Lars pocketed his phone and stepped around the counter, giving Bismuth a side-eye glance and a healthy buffer of space as he did. Once the gem was behind him, he turned to Connie and gave her a sour expression. “It’s been busted all week. Corporate sends someone to deal with that but it takes a while for them to come.” He jammed a thumb toward the refrigerator displays. “Just buy a can of something already.”

A surreptitious glance showed Bismuth’s bulk eclipsing the open box of concert donuts. Her partner still not done, Connie continued to stall. “You should put up a sign or something so people know. At least that way they wouldn’t be getting a cup dirty in the process.” She angled her cup so the pathetic amount of liquid at the bottom was visible to the clerk.

“Lay off, will ya?” said the redhead, arms folded. “It’s just a cup.”

In the background Bismuth straightened up, turned, and gave Connie a thumbs up. She stepped over away from the open box and resumed examining the display donuts as though nothing had happened.

Mission accomplished, all that remained was exfiltration and observation. Connie brushed past Lars, opened a display fridge, and grabbed a can of durian-flavored soda. She slapped two dollars on the counter and said in a flat voice, “Keep the change. Let’s go, Bismuth.”

“Sure thing. Bye little guy.” She gave Lars a cheery wave as she squeezed out the door.

Bismuth picked up their box of donuts from earlier and then the two of them hustled over to the furthest set of patio tables, sitting in such a way so they could see inside the store without seeming to stare. Connie cracked open her soda and took a sip, settling in to wait. 

She didn’t have to wait long.

There was a muffled yelp followed by a burst of light as a short-lived tongue of flame shot out of Lars’ mouth. Bismuth was already laughing and Connie couldn’t help but chuckle as well. Lars, meanwhile, ran pell-mell within the shop, arms flailing. Short bursts of fire heralded his panicked dash.

Bismuth slapped the table with a large hand and hooted. Connie’s sides were shaking from laughter, laughter which redoubled when Lars ran for the soda machine, shoved his face under the taps, and got nothing for his troubles.

By this time Sadie had emerged from the back, her confusion quickly replaced with alarm. The blonde said something that was inaudible to Connie, then she ran over and pointed at the door. Lars clutched his throat and yelled, forcing Sadie to duck under a gout of flame. Moving quickly, Sadie sprang sideways and maneuvered behind her ailing coworker. Grabbing Lars by his shirt and pants, she hoisted him up like a bouncer about to throw an unruly patron out the door.

Bismuth’s laughter died down for an instant as the big smith said approvingly, “Whoa, blondie has gumption.”

“Yeah, Sadie’s pretty hardcore when she needs to be,” agreed Connie.

Charging the door with her screaming, orange-haired battering ram, Sadie bulled the exit open. Lars heralded his arrival outside with an “Aaaah!” and a burst of fire.

“Lars on fire! Lars on fire!” Sadie dropped Lars the short distance to the pavement then she dashed around the side of the building.

A few more bursts of fire blackened the sidewalk before Lars scrambled to his feet and ran over to Connie and Bismuth’s table. The Crystal Gems parted to either side to avoid the screaming fireball, Lars frantically grabbing Connie’s soda and dousing himself with its contents. This brought durian-scented clouds of steam but didn’t seem to bring him any relief.

Sadie came charging around the corner, a warcry on her lips and a garden hose spraying full blast in her hands. A splash doused Lars’ backside prompting the howling redhead to turn around, Connie having to duck the tongue of flame that followed him. Mouth open wide, water soaked Lars top to bottom as great streamers of steam issued forth, briefly turning the Beach City patio into a sauna.

A few more seconds of soaking and the clerk was extinguished. Connie was careful to master her expression in front of the Big Donut employees so as not to give herself away. Bismuth had a look of mild amusement, but then, she usually did.

“Lars, what the heck happened?” asked Sadie, pinching the hose in half to slow the flow to a trickle.

Dripping top to bottom, shirt clinging to his stick-thin frame, sprig of orange hair plastered wetly to the side of his face, Lars staggered to his feet. He shrugged and then, in an extremely raspy voice, wheezed, “I’m going home.”

Like a bathed cat going to hide under the bed, dignity in tatters, Lars slunk off, dripping and pathetic.

Sadie looked at the retreating figure, then at the pair of customers nearby, her eyebrows jumping slightly at seeing the new gem. She gave the pair a weak smile, “I’ll be right back,” dropped the hose, and ran after her formerly-fire-breathing friend. “Lars! Wait!”

Blonde out of sight, Connie and Bismuth shared a look and then exploded with laughter. They were still laughing as they left the Big Donut patio, they were chuckling as they trekked down the boardwalk, and they were suffering little giggle fits as they made their way across town. Every time Connie thought she was calming down, a fresh memory of the scene would surface that would set her off all over again.

It was only when Bismuth handed a claymore over to an eager Onion that Connie managed to sober up. Sparks skipping off the blade as he dragged it out of sight, Onion disappeared around a corner just as Steven’s house came into view. Connie texted her friend during their approach.

By the time they reached the edge of the property, Steven came bounding out wearing his freshly-laundered Sour Cream concert shirt. “Hey Connie! Hi Bismuth!”

“Hi!” // “Hey Meatball,” Connie and Bismuth replied, respectively.

“Oh, you got donuts. Thanks! That’s _holey sweet_ of you guys,” said Steven. Bismuth chuckled as Connie opened the box in invitation to her friend.

“Speaking of, you’ll never guess what we did at the Big Donut!” Connie’s grin from before had come back with a vengeance, the girl smiling with obvious excitement at letting her friend in on the joke.

Steven was poised to take a bite of his donut when he paused, eyebrows rising in keen interest. “Oh? Tell me!”

“So we got there and Lars was being a real jerk and Bismuth was telling me that…”

Steven’s eyebrows lowered gradually as Connie spoke, tilting from upraised interest to downturned concern. His broad smile narrowed, then became a line. When Bismuth reached into her apron and pulled out the vial of fire salts, adding her own description of the prank, one corner of his mouth was kinked downward in a concerned frown.

“-and then the Sadie girl ran after him. Which reminds me that I need to drop by there another time because she looks like she _really_ could use a spear. Or maybe a hatchet.”

Steven gently placed his donut back in the box so that he could wring his hands. “But, wasn’t all of that, like, a little bit… mean?”

Connie, who had been watching Bismuth during the gem’s share of the retelling, looked at Steven, surprised by the response. “Mean? No, it was, like, karma. Justice. Lars was the mean one, we just got him back.” She frowned at his frown then turned to Bismuth, “Tell him what you told me about that being a key part of the Rebellion.”

Bismuth was going to lean against the fence but stopped when it gave a creak of warning. “Putting jerks in their place is one of the ways free gems are different from those trapped under the heel of the Homeworld elites. And besides, he was fine. Fire salts are pretty intense for a human but not dangerous. Don’t sweat it, Meatball.”

Steven fidgeted some more. “Lars is crabby with others because he has a hard time liking himself. He’s not a bad guy, he’s just a little sad and scared when people are around. I don’t see how making him shoot fire out of his mouth helped with what was actually making him be a rude dude.”

Connie felt a pit open in her stomach, a pit through which her earlier cheer drained out. When Steven looked at her with confusion and hurt in his eyes, it made her want to dive down the hole after it. She clutched the box of sweets tightly, unsure what to say to the easiest person in her world to talk to.

Bismuth took a knee and placed a hand on Steven’s shoulder. “Hey, I think I get you, Meatball. You don’t like seeing people get hurt. It just feels wrong, doesn’t it?”

Steven gave her a searching look and then nodded slowly.

“I’ve known gems like that too. They just didn’t have the stomach for it. And you know what? That’s fine. It’s a big Earth and there’s room for everyone. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want. After all, you’re free!” She stood and ruffled Connie’s hair. “You leave the messy _Bismuth_ to soldiers like Alloy and me.”

Steven’s frown deepened. “That’s not really- I mean-” Flustered, he turned to Connie. “You really thought Lars deserved that?”

Connie squirmed under his gaze. “Well, I mean, at the time it- If you’d been there when he took our order then…” She trailed off, breaking eye contact with Steven so she could stare at his sandals.

Bismuth patted Connie’s shoulder. “You’ll get used to it, Alloy. Some folks are just Rosy. And that’s okay. Some of the best fighters in the Rebellion were like that, in fact.” She pivoted Connie away from the house and the three of them took their first hesitant steps in the direction of the concert at the beach.

They walked on in silence for a little while before Connie, desperate for a change of subject, remembered something she’d flagged as an ‘ask later’ question. “Hey Bismuth? Lars finished the donut he was eating when we came in to prank him. Since you didn’t have an obvious target, I was wondering, how _did_ you know which one to put the fire salts on?”

That seemed like a neat trick to learn, and a much less emotionally-complicated thing to think about right now.

Bismuth smiled, radiating satisfaction. “The trick, Alloy, is to make sure you win regardless of what the enemy does. Like you said, I didn’t know which one he was going to pick so while you had him distracted, I put salts on each donut in the open box. Then, no matter what, it was victory for the Rebellion.” She winked over the top of her grin.

Connie stopped, a chill running down her spine. “Wait, but if you spiked each one…

“...And that was a box of snacks for the concert…” finished Steven.

They looked at each other wide-eyed.

Somewhere in the distance, a fire truck siren wailed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The art for this chapter came from BurdenKing. The episode promo was drawn by MjStudioArts.
> 
> Because I like to share these, here's the sketch-version of the promo image:  
> 
> 
> And here's the image it's based after, which I am so, _so_ glad MJ agreed to pay homage to despite it being such an ambitious promo pic to draw. Several of us on the Team are big Scott Pilgrim fans...  
> 
> 
> New omakes to point out:  
> *) [Pet Store](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/34730564) by [br42](http://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42) \- "Having recently discovered Wolf's pocket dimension, Connie demonstrates it for Steven. Peridot is there to supervise. What they learn changes everything." This is... 75% canon? It's canon overall with non-canon silliness added.  
> *) [Diamonds in the Rough](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/34883324) by [br42](http://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42) \- "It turns out, Connie isn't the only one with a startling secret to share."  
> *) [What if all the Connies from a number of different fanfics brought their Stevens?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12265302/chapters/34881110) by [br42](http://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42) \- A new addition to Peridot’s What-If Machine Collection.
> 
> * * *
> 
> To our American readers, happy Independence Day! And to **ALL** of our readers, thanks for following the story. Stay tuned next Wednesday, July 11th, for the next exciting installment of _Episode 24: Gems-ology._
> 
> * * *
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


	2. Jasper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! Second chapter! I can't guarantee we'll be doing Ep24 two-a-week like this throughout, but we're going to try.

The training surrogate gleamed in the sunlight shining down on the Sky Arena. Legs, chest, and multiple places along the arms had been rebuilt with the wonder metal, unobtanium, a bit of Era-1 metallurgy that had been lost to the gems on Earth until Bismuth's release. Peridot had been using it in nearly _everything_ since learning how to craft it, her customary iridescent green motif now featuring gunmetal grey mottling.

Wally was piloting the exoskeleton. It'd been a terrible combatant early on, more focused on cleaning the surrogate itself than fighting. Then Jasper had wordlessly walked over to Connie and Steven's lunch basket, grabbed some crackers, pulverized them in her large hands, and sprinkled the crumbs in Connie's hair.

Gunmetal fists hammered on the force field lip of Steven's shield. Within the surrogate's cockpit, cold, robonoid eyes stared past Steven toward his ward, its gaze implacable yet predatory. Steven swallowed.

Connie approached, sheltered behind Steven's shield, then dropped low and swiped at the exoskeleton's feet with her saber. With alarming speed, the surrogate brought its foot up and then stomped down, snapping the blade off at the hilt. The pummeling on the shield continued unabated.

Connie gave a brief squeak of surprise, scrambling back. She looked forlornly at what (little) was left of her training saber as she rose to her feet.

"What are we going to do?" Steven had to shift a little to keep himself interposed between target and aggressor. The field on his shield was showing the strain from Wally's relentless assault.

Feeling the weight of the hilt in her hand --the sword's guard would make passable brass knuckles if she needed to throw a punch-- Connie considered the situation. "Without a sword, I'm off offense for now. We split up, I lead it away, using my fields to slow it down, then you hit it from behind. If you can knock it over, we can probably manage to smack one of the hit-sensors and win the round."

Off to the side, Jasper watched with a keen eye, assessing the fighting pair's performance and ready to intervene in an instant if Peridot's training tech got too rough. As Connie described her new strategy to her shieldbearer, a hint of a smile tugged at the corner of the warrior's mouth.

Connie turned and ran. The Wally-piloted exoskeleton attempted to bull Steven aside to pursue, but the inertial damper built into his shield thwarted the effort. Momentarily delayed, the training surrogate darted to the side and past the shield, long, unobtainium legs eating up the distance.

A force field appeared, as large as Connie could summon it, and the surrogate leapt, scrabbling up and over the top, its headlong rush towards Connie continuing.

"Eep!" squeaked the girl, who jinked sideways and sprinted in a new direction. Steven, meanwhile, hustled to catch up.

Another field, higher this time to make climbing difficult, appeared. The surrogate dropped and slid underneath on its stomach like a penguin. As soon as it cleared the field it bounded after Connie on all fours, an unsettling form of locomotion Connie hadn't realized the construct was capable of. She had to spend two more fields just to delay her pursuer, and she was noticeably clumsier for having four extant fields. 

Just as the exoskeleton rounded a field, grabbing the side to allow it to swing around and better chase its prey, Steven managed a combination shield bash and diving tackle. The surrogate lost its footing and toppled sideways. As it was falling, a green-and-gunmetal arm reached in, pulled the ersatz robonoid out of the cockpit, and then, with an underhand pitch, sent the mechanical pilot flying.

By the time Steven and the exoskeleton hit the ground, the large contraption was lifeless and unresisting. Steven bopped it on one of the hit-sensors, but his attention was elsewhere.

Connie, harried, panting, and force field-drunk could only stare wide-eyed as Wally hurtled toward her. The robonoid's last ditch throw proved accurate and it hit Connie square in the chest, knocking the girl to the floor like she'd caught a speeding medicine ball. As soon as she landed, Wally sped across the girl's face and settled on the crown of her head, eagerly picking out the crumbs.

Steven ran and Jasper strode over. "Connie! Are you alright?" asked the former.

Connie sat up, Wally scrabbling to maintain its spot atop her head. Two of her force fields had winked out and she was looking more astute. "I think Wally won this one," she said.

"Good shift in tactics," complimented Jasper, standing at a parade rest nearby. "Soldiers follow their plan. Leaders follow their goal, even when the plans change."

With a satisfied chirp, Wally hopped down, scampering away to tidy some corner of the arena. Steven held out his hand and helped Connie to her feet. "Yeah, good thinking, Connie."

Connie smiled and the other two fields vanished. "Thanks, Steven." She rubbed the back of her neck, her expression pleased but humbled. "Although I don’t feel that leader-y. I got the idea from that _Lutes and Loot_ session where we had a fight right after a rust monster ate Carella's swords."

Steven smiled in recognition. "Oh yeah! She distracted the fire monster and Roland was able to push it off the bridge over that bottomless pit." He laughed. "Good thing Jeff's wizard cast fly on Roland first or he'd have splatted." He paused. "Actually, I guess you don't splat with a bottomless pit." He shrugged. "My bard would have run out of snacks eventually."

At that moment both teens noticed that Jasper was looming, the large warrior having somehow ghosted over inside their personal space.

"You're reading a story where Bard pushed a balrog into a bottomless pit?" Jasper's expression was so intent as to be a little unsettling. "And he can _fly?"_

Connie and Steven both took steps back, instinctively moving closer to each other for protection as they put distance between them and Jasper. Steven said, "It's a game, actually, but it's a game where we are making a story since our characters are the main characters. And Roland can't fly normally but we have a wizard in the party who knows a spell for that."

Connie added, "We're not high enough level to fight balrogs --and I'm pretty sure they're called balors instead for copyright reasons-- but I guess it was kind of similar to the _Lord of the Rings_ scene."

Jasper's eyes sparkled. "This wizard? Can he summon eagles?"

Connie fidgetted under Jasper's gaze. "Um, he summoned a falcon as a familiar. Does that count?"

From the bleachers Steven's phone alarm went off, signaling the end of training. "Connie and I are going to a game after this," said the boy. "Would you like to play too?"

Jasper, radiating a keenness normally reserved for a _really_ good gem monster fight, nodded.

Steven smiled. "I'll call Peedee and let him know. Oh! And Connie and I can help you create your character; I've got the books in my backpack!"

Connie wiped the sweat from her brow and came away with some damp cracker bits when she did. "Sounds good but I'm calling first dibs on the shower. Now that I've seen Wally in action, I'm eager to make sure he doesn't try and finish the job."

As the trio put away the training equipment and returned to the Beach House, Jasper never left Steven's side, the warrior listening intently as the teen excitedly explained the rules of _Lutes and Loot_.

* * *

According to Jeff, when his mom was being shown around by a Beach City realtor, she'd been looking for something 'not too expensive and not too small.' Given what the real estate market in Beach City was like, 'not too expensive' meant they moved into a wide, ranch-style home on Sussex Road that had originally been built to accommodate a family of four. He didn't know what it had cost but he said his mom laughed every month when writing the mortgage check.

What it meant was that Jeff had a spare bedroom given over to games and gaming, featuring a large table hemmed in on two sides by couches, and capped on either end by sturdy chairs. Second-hand furniture was also pretty cheap and easy to come by in Beach City... provided you were willing to overlook the occasional claw or bite mark that was wider than your outstretched palm.

Little of the navy blue walls were visible as posters papered the available surfaces, some of comic book characters, some of movie characters, some of characters Jeff had invented and drawn himself. A large picture of Universal Man and Treble Jeff, the stars from Steven and Jeff's on-again-off-again comic series dominated one wall.

Two bookcases framed a modest entertainment center. The left was laden with Jeff's board game collection, the right, his comic collection, and the TV showed the character select screen for _Smash Bros._ The game was ignored and the TV muted, though, as Jeff talked and Peedee setup from behind his gamemaster screen.

Jeff was lounging on a couch. One of its cushions had a dip where a giant bite had been taken out of it, but you almost couldn't see it after Jeff had flipped the cushion over. "I thought it was pyrotechnics at first."

Peedee looked up from his campaign notes, his skeptical expression barely clearing the top of the screen. "You thought there was a pyrotechnics display at the snack table?"

Jeff shrugged. "Hey, I haven't been to that many concerts. How was I supposed to know it was Beach City-weirdness and not concert-weirdness?"

Peedee shrugged, conceding the point and turning his attention back to his notes.

"Anyway, remember the old guy I told you about?" asked Jeff.

"The one wearing too much gold jewelry who was, like, trying to get everyone to drink soda or something?"

Jeff nodded. "Yeah, that one. Well, at the end of his speech they'd revealed this fire hose hooked to a giant soda. He'd sprayed the audience some right before Sour Cream took the stage. Anyway, when these people were running around _shooting fire_ , Sour Cream ran over and used that fire hose to put out the crowd. It was a pretty nasty soda, but it did a good job extinguishing fires."

Peedee favored Jeff with a rare smile, though not as rare as they had been during his Frybo days. "Neat. Although was that before or after that guy in the silly mustache climbed the stage and shoved a bunch of papers into Sour Cream’s arms?"

"Before, but after Sour Cream's little brother chased the old guy off the stage with this huge sword."

Peedee chuckled, "I overheard at work that Steven and Sour Cream's moms were waiting in the audience and tackled him. I think he's, like, Sour Cream's uncle or something."

Jeff tapped his teeth and stared up at the ceiling. "That would explain what happened at the end."

"Oh?" Peedee didn't look up but he was paying attention.

"There was this song Sour Cream sang, said he'd just wrote it, about how his mom and the old guy both loved him and how he loved them back. I'm pretty sure I can find a TubeTube video of it."

"Pass," said the junior Fryman. "I see too much shaky phone footage from Ronaldo. I don't need more."

"It was really sweet, and totally different from his other stuff about video games and complicated feelings towards fishing. It was too bad you couldn't come, Peedee."

The fry-haired blonde pulled a face. "Ronaldo was having one of his, uh, moments. I don't know why he wanted to break into a barn-" Peedee rolled his eyes. "That's not true, I know _exactly_ why he wanted to break into a barn: to stop the polymorphic rock people from completing their space program."

"Poly-what?" asked a confused Jeff.

"I envy that you don't know." Peedee shook his head. "Anyway, if I wasn't there, he'd probably have gotten eaten by that crocodile."

Jeff sat up straight, eyebrows raised high. "CROCODILE?!"

"Yeah. This crocodile was hanging out in a flooded ditch beside the road. Weird color too."

"BEACH CITY HAS CROCODILES?!"

Peedee fixed Jeff with one of the wearier of his world-weary stares. "Jeff, yesterday you were at a concert where people started breathing fire. The day before that my co-worker, who is a giant yellow wolf, arrived for his shift via magic portal. And the day before that I sold fries to five kids in a trenchcoat while a giant, grey lady with rainbow hair fought a crab monster down the beach. The crocodile was probably lost on its way to somewhere less strange." Peedee glanced at his phone and added, "Honestly, if something crazy doesn't walk through that door in the next five minutes, _then_ I'll be surprised."

There were voices coming down the hall, Steven's bubbly cadence recognizable anywhere, with the occasional, higher-pitched remark from Connie. Jeff climbed up and sat on one of the large, padded arms of the couch, facing the door and ready to greet them. It was for this reason that when he yelped and fell over --the teen utterly surprised when an orange, striped giant opened the door and squeezed through-- he fell back onto couch cushions instead of something harder.

Ignoring the calls of concern from Connie and Steven, Jeff climbed to his feet and glared at Peedee. "You knew!"

Jeff received a second, rare Peedee smile, this one laced with schadenfreude. "They texted me." He waggled his phone over the lip of the GM screen.

"Jasper wanted to join the game," explained Steven, gesturing to the giant magic lady Jeff recognized from class and semi-regular monster battles. "Is that going to be okay?"

"I- I-" stammered Jeff, his brain returning error messages as he queried, ‘What to say to the giant, orange alien.’

"Is she going to hog all the snacks?" answered Peedee in a dry voice.

Connie, Steven, and Jasper all shared a look. "No. No she will not," came Connie's wry response.

Peedee gave a casual nod. "Then it won't be a problem, will it Jeff?"

"No! I mean, yes! I mean, uh, welcome. Have a seat," offered Jeff. "Oh, maybe don't sit there. That cushion is a little, uh, partially-eaten."

* * *

As is always the way, it took close to twenty minutes for everyone to settle down, set up, make any bathroom breaks, situate snacks, and quote movie lines at one another. Jasper sat at the sturdy chair on one end opposite Peedee at the other. Jeff was on the couch to Jasper's right. Connie and Steven were sitting together on the opposite couch, Steven seated nearest to Jasper so he could field rule questions and help the gem make sense of her character sheet.

Finally Peedee stood, visible over his GM screen, and cleared his throat. The table fell silent. "Since we've got a new player, everyone should say who their character is. Oh, and just the simple stuff. Jasper can read your eight-page backstory after the game if she wants. Why don't you start, Jasper."

The large gem stood up and pushed a character sheet into the middle of the table. Jeff reached for it and, after Steven and Connie gave him 'go ahead' motions, snatched it up. "My character is Samwise Éowyn."

Jasper sat down.

"That is a _lot_ of hit points," breathed Jeff, eyebrows raised.

Peedee looked at Jasper, then at Steven. "I thought you said Jasper was playing a girl?"

"I am," answered the warrior.

"A girl named Samwise?"

Jasper stared at the blonde gamemaster, who soon threw his hands up in a conciliatory gesture. "Right, girl named Samwise. Game on."

"Tell everyone what your character does," prompted Steven.

Jasper stood back up. "She fights and protects."

Jasper sat down.

Connie weighed in. "She's a paladin who traded her spellcasting and mount away, taking the bodyguard and devoted defender archetypes."

"So, she fights and protects," said Jeff, passing the character sheet back to Jasper. Jasper inclined her head in agreement.

Steven jumped into the conversational lull, turning to address Jasper. "I already told you some of this, I think, but I'm playing Roland Peggio, son of Gustoso Peggio and Lady Marziale Provvisando who-"

"Ehem." Peedee gave Steven a look. Peedee was good at giving people looks. It was part of the reason why he did well as GM.

"Hehe, right," said Steven, a tad sheepish. "So, Roland is the party's bard. He records the party's heroic adventure and encourages his fellow heroes with magic and music and magical music! Oh, and if your character gets hurt, Roland will try and heal you."

"We don't have a cleric," said Connie.

"No, we do have a cleric," quipped Jeff. "Her name is Wanda Curelight but she refuses to work with anyone but Roland," he said, referring to the magic item the party relied on for bulk-healing.

Connie rolled her eyes. Steven chuckled.

"Anyway, my character is an evocation-specialist wizard, or an Evoker," said Jeff.

All smiles, Steven asked, "By what name are you known?"

"There are some who call me..." Jeff held a dramatic pause. "Todd."

"Greetings, Todd the Evoker," finished Steven.

"Ugh, don't encourage him, Steven," groused Peedee while suppressing a smile.

Steven and Jeff high fived across the table, Jeff adding, "Mainly I cast buffs and blow stuff up. My familiar's name is Captain, by the way."

Connie drew herself up straight and scooched a little miniature around so it was facing Jasper. "I play Carella Serpenthelm. She's a half-elven ranger who is beginning to unlock her latent sorcerous powers."

Jeff leaned forward. "Oh, man, you'll love this. See, she was raised by the elves but-"

"That's not important!" said Connie hastily. Tucking some stray hair behind an ear, she added, "Carella usually fights in melee alongside her animal companion Taṅka Ōnāy."

"Who's a big, yellow wolf that Peedee gave her because Peedee is subtle like that," drawled Jeff.

Peedee's smirk was unapologetic. "If you'd torn up my Frybo costume, she'd have a Jeff animal companion instead."

"Good thing I didn't, then. The wolf is a big trade up," responded Jeff. "Plus, I don't think Jeff sounds as cool in Tamil as 'Yellow Wolf.'"

"Gold Wolf."

Everyone looked at Jasper.

"Gold Wolf. Taṅka ōnāy, mañcaḷ ōnāy alla," added the gem.

"Isn't it cool?! Gems have universal translators like Star Trek!" enthused Steven.

Peedee wilted a little. "Well, time to rename all of my deathtraps real quick."

Jeff blinked, then punched something into his phone. "That acid cave was named, 'Acid Cave' in Finnish?!"

Peedee snickered.

Connie looked at her notes. "Tulinen Kuolema?"

"Fiery Death," drawled Jeff.

"Paljon Piikkejä?"

"Lots of spikes."

Steven tapped his chin. "What about that mountain we decided not to visit? Uh, Lumivyöry Nenäsi?"

A guffaw escaped Jasper, the gem chuckling and shaking her head.

Steven, Jeff, and Connie all shared a look, Jeff voicing their thoughts aloud. "We are _never_ going to that place."

* * *

Peedee took a last glance at his notes, then said, "The four of you approach the entrance, a wide opening carved into the sheer rock face. The sunlight illuminates about thirty feet of featureless stone hallway before being swallowed by darkness. There are decorative figures etched into the stone as well, but time and weather have worn them beyond recognition."

"I check the area for tracks. Taṅka assists." Connie rolled, consulted her character sheet, then told Peedee, "Twenty-three."

"Nice. Carella finds tracks and Taṅka confirms they match the scent: the Goddess of Thorns entered Arneson Temple a few days ago."

"Arneson? That isn't, like, Romanian for 'spiky doom' is it?" asked Jeff.

All eyes turned to Jasper. She shrugged.

In a chipper voice Steven said, "I cast light on my lute and strike up a song of inspired bravery."

"There goes the stealth option," muttered Jeff.

Peedee didn't even bother looking over the screen to deliver his retort. "That ship sailed in session number one, mister 'seven dexterity.'"

Before the exchange could continue, Connie pressed on. "We enter the temple, Roland and Carella up front and on the lookout for dangers."

"Shouldn't Samwise the mountain of hp be up front?" asked Jeff.

"Samwise will anchor the formation's middle,” Jasper said with finality.

Jeff opened then shut his mouth and shrugged. No one else argued the point.

"Carella tells Taṅka to guard the entrance and find us if he encounters trouble. I remember what happened _last_ time we left our rear unguarded."

Steven and Jeff giggled at 'unguarded rears,' Peedee at the memory of ambushes past. Jasper shot Connie an approving nod.

"Perception checks?"

Everyone gave theirs, Steven helping Jasper find the appropriate skill on her sheet first.

"Right," said Peedee over the sound of a pile of dice being rolled. "What's Todd's reflex save?"

"It’s crap. Seven dex, remember?" Roll. “And that number isn’t helping.”

Peedee nodded. "A block from the ceiling comes loose and-"

"Samwise pulls Todd aside and shelters him with her body, shield pointed toward the danger."

Jeff perked up. "Can she do that?"

Connie grinned. "As long as she's adjacent. Devoted defender and bodyguard, remember?"

"That's why Samwise guards from the middle," explained Jasper, pleased.

"Samwise takes sixteen. Todd takes eight-"

Connie shook her head. "Devoted defender _and_ bodyguard."

"They stack?" Nod. "Wow, okay, Todd takes four as his squishy wizard body is shielded by Samwise the Vigilant."

"Man, next tavern we get to, I'm buying your lunch, Sam," said a grateful Todd the Evoker.

Jasper pulled a face.

"You don't have to actually eat when your character does," explained Connie.

Jasper still looked uneasy.

"Who needs healing~" singsonged Steven, already rolling his dice.

* * *

"The thorn beast erupts in a shower of inch-long quills. Everyone-"

Jasper cleared her throat.

"You are really harshing my area of effects," said Peedee. Jasper was unapologetic. "Okay, Samwise tanks it for... thirty-four damage."

“Are you still conscious after that?” asked Steven, concerned.

“I have lots of hit points left. Also, heroic resolve,” said Jasper, tapping her character sheet.

“Samwise doesn’t pass out from negative hp, though she loses health if she keeps fighting,” explained Connie.

“Yeah, yeah, too tough to die.” Jeff waved them off, turning toward the GM, his expression excited. "That thorn eruption means the monster is vulnerable to melee attacks, right?

Peedee nodded.

"I cast _Fire Fist_ on Captain, who immediately attacks the thorn beast."

Peedee grimaced. "I know what you're doing." Jeff grinned. "And it won't work." The grin vanished. "You have to have fists to use _Fire Fist_ , which your falcon very obviously doesn’t."

Steven flipped through the rulebook, tongue sticking out as he scanned the page. "Actually, the spell just says it imbues a melee attack. Captain has a melee attack, right?"

Jeff's grin was enormous. "He sure does."

Peedee covered his face with his palm. "Just get it over with."

"Faaalcon Punch!" Roll. "Three damage plus ten from the fire. More if it's vulnerable to fire."

"It is. You drop it," came the defeated voice from behind the GM screen.

"So what you're saying is, my falcon punch KO'd it." Lapis herself would have been impressed with the amount of smug Jeff managed to pack into that sentence.

"I hate you so much," said the top of Peedee's head. Jeff's smile widened.

Steven moved his mini over to Jasper's. "I hand Samwise a potion of _Flight._ Todd's busy and I don't think I can bring down that vine harpy."

Jasper's expression slackened slightly. "If I drink this, I can fly?" she said in a quiet voice.

Steven smiled. "Sure, for, uh, five minutes, anyway."

"Samwise drinks the potion. She... flies?" Jasper was looking from Steven to Peedee, as though unable to believe it.

Both nodded, Steven grinning.

Jasper smiled to match. "Samwise flies up, slamming the harpy into the wall with her shield!"

* * *

"From a hidden nook, a vine ogre lurches out and entangles you."

"Gah!" exclaimed Jeff. "Where's a weed eater when you need one?"

"Samwise charges. Battleaxe. Power attacking."

Peedee stood up and looked at the miniatures on the battle mat, heroes and monsters arranged on a grid of squares to track where everyone was. "Yeah, you can't reach. You're fatigued, remember? Half movement speed."

"Fatigued?" Jasper mouthed the word as if it were from an unfamiliar language.

Steven gave her an apologetic smile. "You didn't sleep when the party camped last night. Characters need rest or they get slower and weaker. But it's okay, I know a ballad of liberation that should get Todd out."

Jasper stared at the board, her expression distant.

* * *

"On a wide dais in the middle of the chamber are twelve orbs, each the size of your fist."

"Twelve?" said Connie and Jeff.

Steven considered this. "I'm wearing Suspenders of Disbelief so I get an automatic save against illusions."

Peedee stood up and looked at the will save printed on Roland Peggio's character sheet. He rolled a die behind his GM screen. "On a wide dais are three orbs."

"That's more like it!" exclaimed Jeff. "I cast _Detect Magic_. What do I see."

"You see illusion magic on the dais-"

Steven smiled. "No surprise there."

"-Evocation on the first orb-"

"Probably explodes," said Connie.

"-Necromancy on the second-"

"Is that bad?" asked Jasper. Everyone nodded back.

"-And transmutation on the third," finished Peedee.

"That one. Definitely that one," said Jeff. "Most of my buffs are transmutation."

"Carella approaches the dais and picks up the third orb."

"You feel a tingle and then your hand goes numb, the sensation inching down your arm."

"I don't like the sound of that," said Connie. "I put the orb back."

"You can't. You can transfer it from hand to hand just fine, but as soon as it would break all contact with you, it sticks. Also, you notice the tips of your fingers starting to turn grey as they are, very slowly, petrifying."

Jasper nudged her mini over adjacent to Connie’s. "Samwise takes the orb from Carella."

“You tug Carella around, the orb refusing to budge.”

Connie tapped her fingers on the tabletop for a moment then said, “Carella attempts to hand the orb to Samwise.”

"As soon as Samwise accepts it, it comes away easily. Carella, your fingers soon revert to normal flesh. Sam, you're starting to petrify now. And before you ask, no, it won't come loose, even with your strength stat."

"The way forward is open, right?" asked Jeff.

"Wide open, same as when you walked in."

"And there aren't any, like, orb-shaped slots in the walls or some kind of mural showing people doing something with orbs?"

Peedee shook his head. "No. Featureless room except for the dias."

Jeff's voice took a incredulous tone. "Who was dumb enough to just put three cursed orbs in the middle of a room?! We could have just walked right on by."

Peedee's grin was hidden behind the GM screen, but everyone knew it was there. "Probably someone smart enough to know heroes would pick one up, even when they could have walked right on by." The gamemaster's eyes smiled less and became more business-like. "Now, if one of you had some kind of trapfinding, I'd have given you a roll. As it is, you've got an orb."

"Or the orb has us," said a glum Connie.

"It's not that bad," cheered Steven. "It takes a while for the curse to work and we can just keep passing it back and forth in the meantime. And after we get out of here, we'll find someone to cast _Break Curse."_

"Anyone got a better idea?" asked Jeff, looking around the table. Nobody spoke. "Petrification hot potato it is then."

* * *

As soon as they heard the garage door, Jeff hopped up and sprinted out of the room to meet his mom. 'So she doesn't blow her G.E.M. whistle when she sees Jasper.'

"Meh, he probably just wants to snag the first slice of pizza," said Peedee. After leaving work, Jeff's mom routinely picked up dinner for the group on L&L nights.

"How are your sessions with Dr. Brooks going, by the way?" asked Steven.

Peedee found an excuse to shuffle some notes around for a few seconds. "No complaints." More sudden busy-work ending in a sigh. "It's helping, actually. I just wish I could get Ronaldo to go too."

"Doctor?" asked Jasper. "Like Doug's mate?"

Connie winced a little at the terminology, but Jasper's grasp of humans and the relationships thereof was shaky at best. "Dad's girlfriend," supplied the girl. "But a different kind of doctor. Priyanka is a medical doctor. She takes care of people's bodies. Jeff's mom is a therapist, who takes care of people's minds."

Jasper's eyebrows quirked up. "How?"

"Prescribing medication. Habit reversal training. Exposure therapy." Peedee shrugged. "Sometimes we just talk, though there's probably a therapy term for that too."

Jasper seemed to consider the idea long and hard, but remained silent. Before much longer Jeff came in leading his mom, the former holding a tray of drinks while the latter balanced a box of breadsticks on top of a box of pizza.

Dark hair, dark and intelligent eyes. That she was related to Jeff was obvious at a glance as mother and son shared a lot of features in common. If his mom was anything to go by, Jeff's skinniness wasn't just a teenage boy thing but an inherited trait. However, where Jeff looked like he was stretching up, his mom was short, probably no taller than Steven; shorter if you counted the teen's poofy hair. While Jeff favored plain clothes in muted shades, his mom seemed to enjoy vibrant colors: floral pattern sundress in bright greens, blues, and oranges, with a ring of polished amber worn on the middle finger of one hand.

After setting down the food and drink, Jeff's mom walked over and extended a hand to Jasper. "Hello. Becky Brooks. I'm Jeff's mother."

Jasper considered the hand as if having to remind herself how shaking worked. Eventually her large hand swallowed up the therapist's smaller one. "Jasper." She glanced at the board and added, "Also Samwise."

"It's a pleasure to meet you." Dr. Brooks had a slightly lopsided smile, a telltale scar hinting at a past injury, but her expression was more than bright enough to compensate. "However, I know better than to interrupt the game for too long. _Mandolins and Monsters_ is serious business after all," she quipped.

Jeff's eye roll was epic. "Mooom. You’re doing that on purpose, aren’t you?"

" _Accordians and Adventures?_ " The lopsided grin deepened.

Jeff hopped up and pushed his mother toward the door. "It's printed in big letters across Peedee's GM screen! Out! Out, I say!"

"Bye!" she said cheerfully just as the door closed behind her.

A second passed and then Jeff opened the door. "And thank you for the pizza!" he shouted down the hallway.

The game was put on hold while everyone helped themselves. Jasper sat there, still quiet and contemplative. At one point she picked up a pizza topping that had fallen nearby, a single piece of diced bell pepper, and seemed to consider it. If she were anyone else, Connie would have thought she was sniffing it. With Jasper... who knew? 

A few seconds later and she set the piece down where she'd found it. No one asked and she didn't volunteer what any of that was about.

Later, when the party camped for their second night in the dungeon, Jasper made sure to say that Samwise Éowyn ate heartily and rested.

* * *

Jeff took a drink and wiped his mouth, eyes on the table. “I cast _Fly_ on the carpet in the room. We’ll all ride it across the pit.”

Peedee shook his head. “Nope. Fly doesn’t work on inanimate objects.”

“Oh, come on. Flying carpets are totally a thing. There’s even one on the cover of the rulebook!” objected Jeff, pointing at the book in Steven’s hands.

Peedee waved him off. “Sure, but those are magical items, enchanted to fly when they’re made. You’re using the spell _Fly_ which only works on people.”

Steven thumbed through the book, found the page, then nodded. “Peedee’s right. People only.” He held the book open for others to see.

Jasper knocked lightly on the table. “Sam can carry more than a carpet anyway.”

Silence. Then Jeff laughed.

Peedee stared at the strength table on his GM screen. Then he sighed. “Sam ferries everyone across in two trips, bypassing the encounter entirely,” said Peedee in a flat voice. “You now stand before the massive doors to the inner sanctum.”

Jeff held up a fist. Jasper gave it a gentle bump with her own, the warrior having been taught how to recognize and properly respond to a fistbump over the course of the gaming session.

“Keep track of the duration on that _Fly_ spell, by the way,” urged Peedee.

“We use the Twisted Key to unlock the sanctum,” said Connie.

"There is a heavy click and the doors swing outward on their own. Within is a park, grass and trees growing, the air smelling like flowers. The whole place is under a giant pane of clear crystal, letting sunlight into the dungeon. Levitating just over the fountain in the center is the Goddess of Thorns."

"Whoa," said Steven.

"We finally caught up with her!" exclaimed Connie.

"I'm gonna 'splode her so hard," drawled Jeff.

Jasper adjusted her mini so it was pointing weapon-first towards the foe.

Peedee stood up, gesturing at the players while he delivered the villain's monologue. "Fools! I was cut down before, but I only grew back stronger and more vengeful! You trespass against me at your own peril!"

Connie was leaning on the table, expression serious but her eyes lit up with excitement. "Steven, accuracy buffs. Jeff, biggest attacks you can shoot at her, especially fire. Jasper, throwing axes, and screen us when she counter-attacks. I'm using my bow. After the Thicket Maze and the Carnivorous Jungle, I just know she's got some sort of tangle vines or something ready if we try and close to melee."

"Who's got the orb?" asked Steven.

"Jasper took it last.”

“I can fight,” was all Jasper said, the large gem’s attention locked on the enemy’s miniature.

“Look, the big bad evil gal just gave her monologue. Is anyone going to respond?” prompted Peedee.

Connie grinned a feral grin. “Sure. I knock one of my lightning arrows-”

Steven’s mouth hung open. “You’ve been holding onto those forever.”

“-And say, ‘You sowed only lies and wickedness. This is your harvest,’ and I fire my bow.”

This brought cheers from around the table, Jasper smiling with her eyes.

Peedee chuckled. “If that’s not time for everyone to roll initiative then nothing is. Good luck, heroes.”

* * *

“Carella and Samwise make it through the opening in the bramble wall-”

“You’re welcome,” said Jeff, his evoker having blasted the way through only seconds previously.

“-And you can see the Goddess of Thorns, scorched, zapped, slashed, and riddled with arrows but slowly healing from her damage. She is levitating just above the top of the fountain, bathed in the light channeled from the clear crystal ceiling overhead.”

“The fountain must be the source of her healing,” said Connie, the girl having been standing and directing the group through the whole of the slugfest. “Carella climbs up and attempts to bull rush the Goddess off.”

Peedee looks at her from over his GM screen. “So, you know that thing about how you didn’t think it was a good idea to get in close?”

The whole table groaned.

“It’s not my fault you guys have zero trapfinding.”

“What happens?” asked Steven, eyes wide.

“You get within five feet of the base of the fountain when a pressure plate clicks. Suddenly, that big, crystal ceiling drops.”

Jeff flopped back in seat. “It’s the world’s biggest windshield and we’re the bugs that smack into it.”

“Pretty much. Reflex saves, everyone. I’m rolling for the Goddess too, by the way.”

The numbers were grim. Peedee lifted the divider to show the natural twenty he’d rolled for the villain, the highest possible result and an auto-success. 

Jasper’s teeth were gritted.

Peedee rolled a lot of dice. “Todd was the furthest from the center so he only takes twenty-seven damage.”

“Todd is made of papier-mâché and snark,” drawled Jeff. “He’s unconscious and bleeding out. And suddenly I’m sorry we agreed to play with that optional rule about no resurrection magic.”

“Being able to bring people back lowers the stakes too much,” replied Peedee.

Jeff waved him off. “I know. I know. But right now the stakes feel more than high enough.”

Peedee shrugged. “Moving on, Roland was next closest. He takes thirty-six.”

Steven looked glum. “Nuts. I had thirty-five hit points left. Roland’s unconscious too.”

“Carella, Sam, and Goddess were at the center. Everyone who failed the save-" and he looked Connie and Jasper in the eyes, "-take forty-five damage. Goddess takes half.”

Connie looked at her sheet. “That puts Carella at zero. I get one action and then I pass out.”

Steven looked up from Jasper’s sheet. “Samwise is at negative fourteen. Four more and she’s dead. She tanked a _lot_ of hits that fight.”

“So she’s unconscious,” said Jeff.

Jasper shook her head. “Heroic resolve. I fight until the end.”

“You’re also more statue than person at this point,” said Peedee. “Three more rounds and you petrify.” Everyone looked at him. “What? I have a counter tracking it right here. Anyway, Goddess shakes the crystal shards off her and begins to levitate upwards, preparing to make good her escape.”

Connie swallowed and nodded. “Okay, she’s leaving. Good. I hand Jasper my last healing potion and pass out. I’m bleeding but she can hand me the orb on her turn, use the potion on Roland, then, if he’s fast, he could probably stabilize us all before anyone dies.”

“She’ll get away,” said Jasper. “I can fly after her. Catch her. Finish her.”

Peedee looked at the board, counting out the squares, then shaking his head. “No. At the speed she’s levitating, you’d need four rounds to swap out the orb, heal Roland, and catch her. You’d drop dead before you had a chance to attack.”

Jeff raised an objecting finger in the air. “The fly spell Todd cast on her won’t expire for another couple minutes. She wouldn’t drop dead. More like hover dead.”

Peedee rolled his eyes. “Thanks for clarifying that.”

“It’s okay, Jasper,” said Connie. “So long as you stick to the plan, we’ll all survive… most likely,” she amended.

Jasper shook her head. “Stick to the goal, not the plan.” She looked at Peedee. “I fly over to Roland and give him the potion.”

Peedee raised his eyebrow. “You’re sure? You’ve still got the orb.” Jasper’s silence was answer enough. “Okay, Roland, you heal-” Roll. “-Six. You wake up to see a mostly petrified Sam hovering over you.”

“Heal the others. Hurry,” said Jasper, her tone serious. Turning to the board, she moved her mini closer to the escaping form of the Goddess of Thorns. “I move to close.”

Steven looked at Jasper, looked at the board, then swallowed. “I run over to Todd and use the wand of _Cure Light Wounds_.”

“The Goddess raises even higher into the air, taunting you all with her laughter.”

“I fly after her and pull her into a grapple.”

Peedee squinted at the board. “You can do that, but you’re going to petrify at the end of the round. She’ll just pull your floating statue off her and escape.”

Connie gasped. “Statues don’t fly.”

Peedee looked at her, confused. “What?”

Jeff jumped up from his seat. “You’re right! When Sam turns into a statue, the fly spell stops working. She’s an invalid target.”

Steven flipped through the rulebook, his eyebrows shooting up. “Wow, statues are heavy, too.”

Peedee stared at the strength table on his GM screen. Then he looked up Goddess’ stats. Then he looked up how much the rulebook said a statue of Samwise’s considerable size would weigh.

Throwing his now totally-invalidated campaign notes over his shoulder in a shower of paper, Peedee said, “Roland sees Sam fly up and grab Goddess before freezing in place, the orb claiming her mere seconds before blood loss did. Then Goddess and Sam both drop to the ground sixty feet below. Sam shatters into a spray of gravel. The Goddess of Thorns is turned into red jam.” He slumped into his seat.

Silence. And then noise. The cheering got so loud that Jeff’s mom poked her head in to make sure everyone was okay. A wall of explanations struck her, four voices talking over each other, prompting the woman to feign a smile and close the door after her.

Once the fervor died down Steven said, “I rush over and heal Connie. I mean, Carella. Then I play a dirge to commemorate Samwise Éowyn, the bravest and most heroic of us all.”

Connie looked at Jasper. “That was amazing but now Sam is gone.”

Jasper reached across Steven to give Connie’s shoulder a gentle squeeze. “Sometimes you can’t save everyone. Sometimes you shouldn’t. Besides,” and she showed a hint of a smile, “It was a story. Samwise’s sacrifice made it a better story.”

“And shorter,” groused Peedee.

“That too.”

Jeff had snatched up the rulebook and was looking through it. “Actually, maybe not.”

All eyes turned his way.

“Samwise was petrified. Then shattered. She never _actually_ died.”

“Petrified and shattered seems pretty dead to me,” said Peedee. “And no resurrection magic, remember?”

Jeff grinned. “I remember. But _Stone to Flesh_ is an allowed spell. And so is _Mending_.”

Steven perked up, his excitement growing as he spoke. “We could pick up all the pieces, even the teenie tiny ones, and then use magic to put them all back together! Then, when we un-petrify Samwise, we have someone ready to heal her so she never loses that last hit point!”

Connie grinned at Jasper. “We’ll need to adventure to find the right scrolls, and then it’ll take weeks or months to rebuild the statue, but you could come back to the game after all!”

Jasper searched the expression of each person around the table. Then she nodded her head, grinning. “Okay. Sometimes you _can_ save everyone.”

There was another cheer from around the table, even Peedee looking less glum as he gathered up his scattered campaign notes.

As the minis were going back in their box, Jeff picked up the Goddess of Thorns and examined her figurine, poking his thumb on her spiky armaments. Then he yelped, “Wait a minute! Does this mean we broke all the loot?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The art for this chapter came from BurdenKing.
> 
> And we finally have the _very_ long anticipated _Lutes and Loot_ Connie Swap story.
> 
> Alright, a lot of references to unpack in this one.  
> 1) Jeff's last name, his mother's name, and his mother's profession as a therapist is all an homage to [The Connie Maheswaran Fanclub (Or: How Connie Became the Most Popular Topic in School After She Pulled a Sword Out of Lion in Front of Literally Everyone)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7746817/chapters/17662573) by [CoreyWW](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW).
> 
> 2) Universal Man and Treble Jeff are from the omake [Comic Relief](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/25009164) by [citrusella](http://archiveofourown.org/users/citrusella/pseuds/citrusella).
> 
> 3) Taṅka Ōnāy is a reference to the omake [Crossing Over](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/28680628) by TexasAndroid.
> 
> 4) 'Lumivyöry Nenäsi' translates roughly as 'Avalanche up your nose,' which might explain why Jasper thought it was particularly funny. The usual caveat about online translations applies, though.
> 
> See you all next Wednesday, July 11th, for the next installment of Episode 24.
> 
> * * *
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


	3. Peridot

The temple door opened. “Connie, dear, are you prepared to depart?”

Connie had been sitting on her bed, looking at nothing in particular while listening to Steven’s twice-filtered voice: once through her phone and again through her hearing aids. She quickly removed the phone from her ear and placed her hand over the receiver. “Yes, ma’am. I’ll meet you at the warp pad.”

Raising the phone up again she heard, “-Cream convinced Marty not to press charges on my mom and Aunt Vidalia for tackling him at the concert. But Sour Cream also said he’s not stopping the tour even though-”

“Hey, Steven, sorry to interrupt but I have to run.”

Her mental image of Steven gave a cheerful nod. “That’s fine. I hope your Sprite time goes well. Text me when you get back. Bye!”

Already jogging down the stairs, Connie said, “I will. Bye Steven!” and ended the call.

A quartet of ersatz robonoids --Doris, Will, Robinson, and Claptrap-- milled about among boxes of _stuff_ on the warp pad. Peridot stood nearby, consulting a holographic checklist. Apparently satisfied, the technician banished the display and smiled at Connie. “You appear to be entertained, dear. Something the Steven said?”

Connie put her phone into airplane mode --talk was only cheap within the continental United States, or so her dad liked to remind her, and the garden was well south of there-- and stepped onto the warp pad, taking care not to trample any of the robonoids underfoot. “Yeah. He calls what we’re doing ‘Sprite time.’”

Peridot frowned slightly as she failed to make sense of the joke. “‘Sprite time?’ Is he alluding to the mythological creature or the computer graphic?”

“The soda, actually. Lemon and lime.” Connie gestured to the yellow stone visible above her shirt’s neckline and then at the green one set in Peridot’s forehead.

“Oh, I understand now. Yes, a most amusing chromatic parallel.” Peridot gave a hum of satisfaction. “Please commend the Steven on my behalf for his witticism.” Giving the boxes and robonoids a final looking over, Peridot added, “I believe we are prepared to warp to our destination. After you, dear.”

Connie cocked her head to the side, perplexed. “After me?”

Peridot lightly rocked back and forth on her gravity connectors. “Yes. I would like you to attempt to engage the warp to our destination. You’ve learned to operate the door to the temple, so engaging with this piece of infrastructure may too be within your skill set.”

“Oh, uh, okay. I’ll try,” answered the girl, a little uncertain.

Connie let her eyes unfocus and she felt for the _impulse_ that would, she hoped, make the warp pad respond. It was probably like opening the temple door so-

There was a sound and then yellow light spilled out across the living room. A glance showed the way into Citrine’s room open. Connie willed it closed a beat later, her cheeks warming slightly around a modest frown.

Peridot stared at her thoughtfully. “Hmm, perhaps a thought experiment will aid you. Close your eyes and imagine you are about to embark by foot to visit the Steven’s dwelling. You are able to visualize the landscape you would traverse during such a journey, yes?”

 _Out the door, down the stairs, across the beach, past the Big Donut to-_ “Yes ma’am,” answered Connie, eyes closed.

“Good. The same principle applies here. Now, I would like you to visualize yourself standing by the couch. Imagine that the doorway outside leads to the garden instead of the porch. With that scenario in mind, imagine yourself walking over, opening the door, and stepping out into the garden.”

Eyes closed tightly, Connie tried to envision all of that. A long moment passed. Cracking open an eyelid, she saw the Beach House. _Dang it!_

Taking a deep breath, Connie closed her eyes again and tried to imagine it _extra hard_ this time. Brows furrowed, hands clenched, the Connie in her mind’s eye walked over, opened the door, and-

She must have been holding her breath because her lungs were starting to complain. She exhaled loudly, a growl of frustration leaving her throat as she did: she was once again looking at familiar surroundings.

One of the robonoids patted her ankle encouragingly with a stubby, metallic limb.

“Don’t fret, dear. It was a worthwhile initial effort. If you care to, we can attempt it again when we return.”

Connie managed a nod, a knot of frustration caught in her throat. Then Peridot’s gemstone lit up, there was a chime, and the world became a column of light.

* * *

The six of them, plus boxes, arrived and, even braced for it, the tropical heat hit Connie like a physical force. Still, the view from the warp pad never failed to amaze.

In the distance were mountains piercing the blue sky and large trees vied with one another to be first to drink in the sunlight, the canopy extending high overhead. However, dominating the landscape was the collapsed body of a downed gem colony ship. Atop the stricken craft was a multitude of buildings and terraces, each dedicated to some form of cultivation. And surrounding the vessel on two sides was an expanse of fields and orchards.

According to Peridot, terrestrial animal life avoided the colony ship just like it avoided most gem structures. That plus convenient access to raw materials was why the certified kindergartner had chosen to place her garden on and around the ancient derelict.

Fortunately, today they wouldn’t need to scale the craft’s exterior. Instead they would be working near a cluster of garden plots that were dotted with various pieces of hodge-podge machinery, a kind of base camp for maintenance work like what they were doing today.

With Doris in the lead, the robonoids hustled off, making a beeline for a field that looked to be growing blackberries, strawberries, cucumbers, and squash: things that grew low enough to the ground for stubby, metallic limbs to reach.

Peridot stepped off the warp pad and used her tractor beam to effortlessly transport the boxes next to a contraption that looked like a combination of a wood chipper, industrial lathe, and (heavily modified) Easy-Bake Oven. “I appreciate you joining me. I appear to have overtaxed the portable power station with my extensive use of the unobtanium smelter.”

Connie peered at the contraption. “I know you’ve been using that metal in a lot of stuff lately. I noticed parts of the training surrogate had been rebuilt with it.”

Peridot’s fingers, floating and tethered, were unlatching and opening boxes while the gem crouched low. Letting her fingers work autonomously, the gem turned and gave Connie a look of curiosity. “If I may ask, how did the refurbished exoskeleton perform?”

The mental image of the Wally-driven machine sprinting after her made the girl suppress a shudder. “The suit worked fine, ma’am. Tough and fast. But, um, Wally was really aggressive piloting it.” Another mental image. “Scarily aggressive.” 

“But why would the cleaning robonoid-”

“Jasper put crumbs in my hair.”

“Ah, yes, that would do it.” Peridot looked chagrined even as her fingers remained on their task. “Perhaps I set the intensity of Wally’s cleaning directive too high. I will see about lowering it the next time I perform maintenance on it. Though making changes to a developed mind is delicate work and the outcomes are not always easy to predict. I state these caveats to convey that it may take several rounds before we see the desired effect.”

Off in the distance, the robonoids had filled their first basket of produce. Will and Claptrap were heaving on an attached rope to haul the basket out of the way. Robinson was attempting to retrieve an empty basket when the container toppled, trapping the robonoid underneath. This didn’t seem to deter the bot as the upside down basket began to slide forward toward the row of literal low-hanging fruit, propelled by the automaton within.

Peridot, meanwhile, was feeding blocks of materials into the woodchipper portion of the smelter. Connie, remembering her role, removed her power sink and set it down on a tractor that was sufficiently outside the radius of her aura. As she returned to Peridot’s side, various lights and panels began to blink.

“Thank you, dear.”

“You’re welcome.” Connie rubbed the skin where the necklace had been. “Why do you need unobtanium at the garden anyway?” She looked around and found the array of irrigation systems, planting devices, and assorted hodge-podge tech to all look as orderly and well-maintained as anything of Peridot’s ever did.

“To reduce the need for future maintenance,” explained the gem, tapping something into the smelter’s control panel as she spoke. “As has been evidenced by the amount of Rebellion-era materials to have survived the war and millennia both, Era-1 substances are characterized by their durability. If we can replace some of the more wear-prone components of the garden with ubobtanium, it has the potential to save me hundreds of hours per annum.”

Connie grinned. “Plus, you really like working with the stuff.”

“It is such an exciting material to employ!” squealed the technician.

With a final button press, the smelter began to do… whatever the heck it did, softly chugging as it worked. Connie had asked once and while she hadn’t _really_ learned how unobtanium was made --too many of the terms and concepts flying over her head-- she had learned to never to ask that question again if she had anything planned in the next four hours. 

Connie sat down on a shaded bench positioned to keep her in range of the smelter. Peridot returned with a box of pecans that they were going to crack and shell while they waited, a tradition between technician and ward going back to when a much younger Connie had wanted some way to help around the garden. Peridot set the box down between them, placed a bucket on the ground for them to toss the shells into, handed the girl a nutcracker and a bowl, and the pair got to work.

The forest surrounding the garden wasn't exactly quiet. If nothing else, there were always howler monkeys audible even though they seldom came close. There was the chug of the smelter and the distant chirps of the robonoids at work. Birds called and wind blew but mainly there was the 'crack-plunk-plink' of pecan shells cracking, pecan shell fragments being dropped in the bucket, and the sound of the edible nut landing in the bowl. Crack. Plunk. Plink.

It was peaceful. It also left Connie's mind free to wander off and wonder about things.

"Ma'am?"

"Yes dear?"

"I keep hearing about 'Era-1' and 'Era-2' but I don't think I've ever really understood what those terms meant." Crack. Plunk. Plink. "I used to think it was just the gem system for date-keeping, like how a human would say 'five hundred B.C.E.' But the way you talk about it, it sounds like there's a lot more to it than that."

A few crack-plunk-plinks passed before Peridot replied. "Your intuition is correct, dear. Homeworld was very different from one era to the next." Peridot remained thoughtful for a moment. Connie wasn't sure if her teacher was gathering her thoughts or mentally processing some heavy feelings. In the household Connie had grown up in, you learned quickly to pay attention when there was a pregnant pause.

Whatever the case, Peridot made a small nod to herself and continued speaking. "Era-1 was a heroic time for gemkind. Big, important gems doing big, important things. Everything was bold and large and expensive, but the galaxy was full of resources and opportunities." 

Connie couldn't help but catch the edge to Peridot's voice. It was a tone she usually heard from the technician when Lapis was being a particularly successful contrarian. Or when Peridot was arguing some engineering solution with Bismuth.

Lapis had taken Bismuth on a world tour a few days ago and the two were still gone. Connie spared a nervous glance at the warp pad, as though the pair would arrive because of dramatic necessity. _I guess my life isn’t that kind of story,_ she thought, a touch relieved.

"Era-1 came to a close with the conclusion of the Rebellion. All of the resources spent readying the Earth for terraforming were ultimately wasted." There was a cough from the gem and then, "From Homeworld's perspective, I mean. Obviously we're all quite happy for that outcome," said Peridot a little over-hastily. "Additionally, the loss of gems was catastrophic. Gems were more expensive back then, which made the sheer wastefulness of the whole enterprise that much more unforgivable."

Peridot's tone had hardened by the end. She usually reserved that voice for when she encountered some _really_ sloppy craftsmanship and had to upbraid the one responsible. It was a tone that often preceded a lifetime ban from whatever establishment she and Connie were in at the time.

Between them, the Crystal Gems had quite a few lifetime bans.

Trying to shift the subject a little, Connie asked, "How were gems more expensive?" She paused to take a sip of water from a canteen she'd brought, and followed that by snacking on one of the shelled pecans from her bowl.

Peridot shook her head. "Different types of gems require different amounts of time and resources to incubate properly before emerging. Rubies, for example, have always been fairly inexpensive and quick-forming, which is one of the reasons they are so numerous. Their design has changed remarkably little over the millennia; in some respects they were an Era-2 design before there was an Era-2. In contrast, gems like Lapis are, comparatively-speaking, enormously costly. I don't know how many Rubies you could have formed in making a Lapis Lazuli like our Laz, but the answer would be a very large number indeed. It's part of why she's such a powerful gem: a hydrokinetic dynamo who is also deceptively strong and resilient despite being designed for neither." She spoke with a hint of awe in her voice.

Another head shake. "Jasper; Bismuth; to say nothing of the likes of the Citrine or Rose Quartz lines: all large, powerful gems with an array of strengths, skills, and abilities. Capable of doing so much, and the majority of them to set foot on Earth were shattered, corrupted, or otherwise removed from the Homeworld labor pool." Almost under her breath, the gem added, "Such an arrogant time, never realizing the long-term repercussions of their actions."

Implicit but unspoken was the statement that Peridot was something else: not strong or powerful, lacking strengths, skills, or abilities. Connie couldn’t help but steal a glance at the gem’s limb enhancers, alternately broken or on the verge of breaking. _Time to change the subject again,_ she thought with a sense of urgency. "What was Era-2 like?"

Peridot straightened up, her frown giving way to a slight smile. "Era-2 is ongoing, my dear, and it is a much more sensible era at that. A major trend of Era-1 was to use gems to solve problems. Need new infrastructure? Throw Bismuths at it. Need to archive data? Create a Jade. Need to move a colony ship across interstellar distances? Embed a Scolecite."

Connie jolted. "Pyra is a spaceship engine?!"

"That Scolecite specifically? I suspect not. They were commonly embedded to power and operate large structures, the Pyramid Temple being an example of such. They would use directed gravity to operate internal lifts and manipulate devices. However, some were embedded in colony ships like the derelict nearby: in addition to powering the vessel, it could use its gravitational powers to allow the ship to 'fall' towards its destination. Not faster-than-light travel, but quite speedy by STL standards."

The two spent a moment staring at the ancient spaceship. Crack. Plunk. Plink. 

Peridot returned to her point, her voice didactic, familiar to Connie from a lifetime of educational lectures. "Where Era-1 was heroic, Era-2 is pragmatic, employing artifice first and gems second. Power generation, engines, data storage, surveillance, and a great deal of labor and manufacturing are all done via tech. Era-1 materials, such as unobtanium, are expensive, durable, powerful, and dumb. Unobtanium doesn't do _anything_ except be there. Forever. Era-2 materials are smart and versatile if, perhaps, less resilient overall.” Without realizing it, she flexed her tendril fingers. “These are substances that are networked with one another, can conduct information and power between them in a smart grid, can change properties such as shape, coloration, or even chemistry. Programmable matter, computronium..." The technician sighed wistfully, the way her dad did sometimes when talking about her mom.

"Combined with advances in artificial intelligence, ubiquitous tech could do elegantly what would have been handled clumsily by a hundred gems. There are places in Homeworld space where every surface is aware of its surroundings and, in its own specialized way, thinking: a panoply of technology operating as part of a larger whole, ecosystem and super-organism both, perfectly engineered and wondrous to behold." Peridot paused, lifting up her glasses to wipe away moisture, moved by the vision of something hundreds or thousands of light-years away.

Her free fingers continued their work. Crack. Plunk. Plink. Connie waited, afraid to speak lest she force crude reality on Peridot’s techno-utopian vision.

Eventually the gem exhaled, long and slow, her eyes focusing on her surroundings once more. "Apologies, my dear. Sometimes I get rather... nostalgic. I think Homeworld society compels gems to seek satisfaction in something larger than themselves, as there is so little opportunity for satisfaction on the level of the individual."

Connie nodded, kicking her feet under the bench, organizing her response. There was something in what Peridot said... "Is that why you got into gardening? Because you’re organizing things to allow for efficient growth?"

Peridot looked around her surroundings as if seeing them for the first time. "There are definite parallels to be drawn, certainly. In fact, the potential windfall from sustainably harvested organic materials was a key part of my thesis when I made my, erm, _overly-optimistic_ attempt to contact my D- To contact my superior on Homeworld."

Connie reached over the box between them and placed a hand on Peridot's arm. "Were you wrong?"

"To contact Homeworld? Very much so."

Connie shook her head. "No, about gems and Earth and organic life?"

Peridot stared at Connie's fingers, seeing something in the middle distance. Eventually she said, "No, if anything my time on Earth has served to confirm my supposition. Era-1, Era-2, and Rebellion Earth all have something to offer one another. It is a profound misfortune that they are sequestered from one another."

Connie managed a half-smile as she looked at teacher. "They don't have to be, at least, not here. I mean, that's what we're doing, right?" She gestured at the smelter, the device already extruding lengths of gunmetal grey rods. "Era-1 pieces helping Era-2 technology to sustainably harvest organic materials," and she waved to encompass the many automated systems at work maintaining the gardens, all while the robonoids trundled along, hauling yet another basket of produce toward the warp pad.

Peridot goggled at her for a moment before a smile spread across her face like dawn across a landscape. "We are indeed and that is very insightful of you. But there is one other example you have failed to recognize."

Her guardian beamed at her expectantly.

Connie blinked, unprepared for this pop quiz and casting about for an answer. Unfortunately nothing came to her and she could only shrug.

Peridot reached over with her tendril fingers and tapped both Connie's gemstone and one of her hearing aids. "You, my dear. An organic being living in tandem with an Era-1 gem, using Era-2 technology in her everyday life. Like this garden, you have been a constant source of pride and satisfaction for me and other, less important lifeforms," she said, her grin edging into smirk territory by the end.

There was something familiar about Peridot's expression as she moved the box of pecans aside and pulled Connie into a hug. It wasn't until much later, when they had finished a long day of 'Sprite time' and were preparing to haul everything home, that Connie realized where'd she'd seen it before: on Mary and Greg's faces when they were looking at Steven.

Connie considered this as she walked toward the warp pad, a heavy basket of fruit in her arms. She was paying only the minimum amount of attention to her surroundings, her body on autopilot as her mind looked over her day this way and that. It wasn't until she stepped off the warp pad and set the basket down on the kitchen counter that she realized just how she'd gotten there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The art for this chapter came from BurdenKing.
> 
> On the subject of the art, I really like how BurdenKing adapted the view of the downed colony ship from the show for use in Connie Swap.  
> 
> 
> * * *
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


	4. Lapis

_Colors. Patterns. Hard to make out but oddly compelling, as though…_

Something tickled Connie’s face. She waved a hand sleepily across it. She’d been dreaming about something and if she was still she could almost-

Something was tickling her face again. Her eyes opened slowly and for several seconds refused to focus. Sitting up and blinking, Connie was able to resolve the vague grey-and-rainbow mass into Bismuth, her upper body visible above the lip of her loft. The gem looked like she said something but Connie’s hearing aids were out and she was too groggy to lip read.

The smith was smiling and holding two things: a long feather and a sheet of poster board which had quite a lot drawn on it. In crayon. Cheery suns smiled in yellow, hot pink lightning bolts were drawn liberally, and flowers with grinning faces beamed at her in all the eye-watering colors of the neon rainbow. Someone had glued on copious amounts of glitter, so much that Connie had to resist the urge to look around for Steven.

And in the center, written in cartoonish letters, was, ‘Good morning. This is a distraction.’

Connie, head still full of dream fluff, had just gotten through reading the sentence when ice-cold tickle fingers assaulted her, reaching under the hem of her pajama shirt to get her exposed sides.

Connie shrieked, all residual sleepiness gone in an instant, and tried to pull the icy fingers of death from her flanks. When that proved ineffective, she tried to squirm out of Lapis’ grip --because this could only be the work of Lapis-- and found the gem too tenacious. Her training reminded her that she could probably rear back and headbutt Lapis in the nose, but she vetoed that as an escalation too far... though if she didn’t get out of these witch hands soon she’d reconsider the option.

Instead, screaming who-knew-what all the while, Connie whipped her power sink up over her head and chucked it across the living room. She didn’t care where it wound up so long as it was outside the range of her aura. A glimpse of Bismuth laughing uproariously at Connie’s plight and the realization that Lapis must have literally iced her hands down before doing this was enough to kickstart Connie’s negative energy reserve.

There was a flash --and probably a pop too, but she couldn’t hear it-- and then the arctic fingers of doom recoiled. Freed, Connie pivoted around and grabbed Lapis --of course it was Lapis-- by her left wrist. She then tugged forward with both hands while dropping to one knee and curling her upper body inward. Using her left hip for added leverage, she was able to pull Lapis off her feet, up, over, and down in an over-the-shoulder throw. She’d spent months practicing that move with a Jasper shapeshifted into various heights and body types, and it showed as the blue gem hurled over and landed back-first on the mattress, eyes wide with surprise.

Connie dropped on top of her former-assailant, knees pinning Lapis’ arms to her side, and then proceeded to tickle the ever-loving daylights out of the gem in righteous retribution. Maybe thirty glorious, karmic seconds later, Lapis was able to wriggle out; as Peridot had pointed out in the garden, Lapis _was_ deceptively strong. She flew up into the rafters, putting an end to the melee.

Bismuth was leaning against the loft stairs and appeared to be howling with laughter. Jasper was standing beside the warp pad and soundlessly applauding Connie’s performance, large hands clapping. Wolf was sitting up by the window seat, panting happily in her direction, big tail wagging.

Connie brought two fingers up to her eyes, pointed them at Lapis, then brought them back to her eyes in an _‘I’m watching you’_ gesture she’d seen in a cartoon once. Then she bowed to the audience and proceeded to put her hearing aids in. Her hair was a riot of bed head and static.

Just as sound was returning to the world, Jasper bent down, picked up the power sink, and lobbed it to her in a smooth, underhand throw. Connie caught it and slipped it back around her shoulders, discharging from her fingertips the last of her built up electricity, a cascade of short-lived sparks signaling that the Beach House’s electronics were safe for another day.

Jasper was chuckling and Bismuth was guffawing so loudly it was probably rattling the windows. Lapis was saying something but Connie couldn’t pick it out from the ambient noise, something her hearing aids weren’t particularly good at. Trying to look casual but unable to contain her satisfied grin, Connie summoned a horizontal force field level with her loft and stepped out beside the rafters.

Looking Lapis in the eyes, she said, “What’s the big idea? Also, _why the heck did you ice your hands first?!_ That was just evil!”

Lapis feigned contrition so poorly it was comical. “Moi? I only wanted to wake up my favorite gal pal in the whole world so we could go on a whirlwind global adventure.”

Below, Bismuth called out, “Hey, what am I? Crushed gravel?”

Lapis rolled her eyes and smirked. “Dream on, Skittles. You’re only my third favorite person in this room by a technicality.” Wolf barked. “Sorry, fourth.” Turning her attention back to Connie, she said, “Anyway, there I was, innocently rousing my favoritest widdle sweepy head in the whole wide world, when she went all assault and battery on me. Well, battery and battery, I suppose.”

Connie shook her head. “Leaving aside the gratuitous stretch of you being in the same hemisphere as ‘innocent,’” the word punctuated with finger quotes, “what’s all this about a world tour? I thought that was what you just did with Bismuth?”

Lapis waved her off. “That was just the warm up. See, while I was warping all over with BM down there, I realized it had been way too long since I abducted you for a couple of days and went on a good, old-fashioned sightseeing tour of the gem buildings-”

“Ruins,” interjected Jasper.

Lapis blew a raspberry down at the warrior. _“Slightly-used_ structures of gemkind on Earth. So come on, sleepy head; pack some clothes ‘cause we’re blowing this popsicle stand.”

“Whoa, what? But I have plans-”

“Abducted,” chirped Lapis.

“Peridot and I were going to-”

“Abducteeed~” sang Lapis in an operatic voice.

“But Steven- WHOA!”

The floor disappeared beneath Connie as she mentioned her friend, the force field she was standing on vanishing. However, Jasper must have walked over during the exchange because Connie landed gently in the large gem’s arms. The Quartz set her down then strode back over and leaned against the kitchen counter nearest the warp pad.

“Nope. We’re doing this, girlie, so you should just accept that you’re doomed to lifetime of awesome adventures with the coolest gem in the world.”

“Also Lapis,” said Jasper, deadpan.

Bismuth snorted and then started laughing again. Connie, despite her surprise and the lingering adrenaline from her fall, couldn’t help but crack up too. “Okay, I yield,” said the girl between chuckles, “but only on two conditions.”

“Name them,” came the reply from above.

“First, two days max.”

“Three.”

“Two and a stop-over in Japan for Pocky.”

“Deal!”

“And second, the next time I catch you napping, Auntie Bismuth and I are going to ‘innocently rouse’ you back.” Connie’s grin was feral and showed her teeth.

“We sure are!” cheered Bismuth.

“That’s not a condition at all!” objected Lapis.

“No. It’s a promise,” said Connie.

The room erupted with the calls of ‘oooh’ from Bismuth and Jasper both. With that, Connie pivoted on her foot and walked up to her loft to gather her clothes and text Steven. Lapis stammered some half-hearted objections but a glance confirmed the blue gem was in high spirits.

In truth, it _had_ been a long time since she’d had a spontaneous adventure with Lapis, one that Peridot would disapprove of when she later learned about it. Probably her dad too. All the more reason to hurry, now that she thought about it.

Plus, she was getting low on Pocky.

* * *

Stairs. Never-ending stairs. That was what Connie's life had become. The frescos on the walls, faded but still visible, were captivating... for the first thousand steps. But now the decorated walls were just something to lean against. There was only the burning of her calves and the endless spiral upward.

"Why. Can't. You just. Fly. Us. To the. Top?" panted Connie.

"Because, if you just. Fly up there. The effect isn't. As good." Lapis herself was looking a little winded but she'd suggested this course and she wasn't about to back down now. "Only a couple. Thousand more to go."

"A. COUPLE. _THOUSAND?!"_

Connie sat down, leaning against some beautiful mural chock-full of cultural significance. She cared nothing about that, but it was cool on her skin, which was nice.

Lapis took a tentative step, glancing back at Connie. The girl refused to budge. "Come on, slow- Slow poke." The only thing that moved was Connie's eyes, fixing the gem with a stubborn glare.

* * *

"Why. Did. You listen. When. I. Told us. Not. To. Fly up?" panted Lapis. Her arms were supporting Connie's legs while the girl clung to her like a backpack.

"Because you said that if we fly up there, the effect isn't as good," answered her pack.

"Yeah. But. I'm an. Idiot. I thought. You were. Smart. Enough. To know. That." With grim slowness the gem trudged up the spiraling steps.

"Nope," said Connie, popping the 'p,' "We're both dumb. Now hurry up; I hear the view from up top is great."

"Stupid. Unfair. World. Making me. Live with. The. Consequences. Of my. Own. Actions," grumbled Lapis as she ascended.

* * *

Connie had to admit, the view from the Sea Shrine Spire was pretty amazing. Mountains in the distance cast long shadows as the morning sun rose, a rolling landscape of hills, forests, and streams, all visible from waaay up atop the spire. A little ways distant (and a long ways down), waves crashed against a nearby cliff, the only sound audible other than the wind.

It was their second day and probably their sixteenth ruin visited. At Lapis' insistence, they had been traveling westward in their tour --with Connie making the warps because that was still new and exciting for her-- which meant this was probably the fifth sunrise Connie had gotten to see that day. It was an impressive effect. Like the distraction poster, Lapis had a knack for putting considerable effort into something and then hiding it behind a layer of irresponsibility.

Having caught her breath, Lapis walked over, a hand going around Connie's shoulder. "I told you it was worth the climb."

Connie grinned. "You also said you hated all stairs, as well as Fred Astaire, because he had the word 'stair' in his name."

"I said a lot of things." Lapis paused for effect. "Including that it was worth the climb. Always listen to me, for I am wise." She ruffled Connie's hair.

"Except when you're not," replied Connie as the two of them drank in the view.

"Exactly. Just do everything I say except when you shouldn't and everything works out great."

Connie leaned her head against Lapis' shoulder. "It's hard to argue with that."

Long minutes passed. Then, turning, Connie noticed another striking view: the land ending abruptly in a long, jagged cliff, with the sea churning below. It was like some incomprehensibly large sea serpent had risen up and taken a bite out of the terrain before sinking back below, sated. There were gem ruins scattered around the area, and Connie noticed the foundation of one ending suddenly at the cliff's edge, victim of the hungry leviathan.

Connie pointed. "What happened over there?"

"That's beyond our borders. You must never go there, Connie," answered Lapis, her voice pitched low.

Connie gave the gem a long look. "And how'd that work out when Mufasa said it?"

Lapis gave a small nod. "Fair point. Okay, jokes aside, if we check that out, it's going to get a little heavy."

Connie looked down at the cliff and then back at Lapis, an eyebrow upraised in question. "Why?"

"Because that, sweet child, didn't used to be coastline." The wind blew Lapis' pig tails, making Lapis appear both dramatic and childish at the same time... Which, Connie was beginning to suspect, might have been the point.

"Don't tell me, it was the big one, wasn't it?" Connie avoided saying 'Atlantis' or 'Lemuria' because those terms had always gotten under Lapis' skin.

"Yup."

"Will there be a waterfall of drama, with sharp rocks of unresolved emotional issues at the bottom?"

"Most likely."

Connie's expression was serious but she gave Lapis' hand an affirming squeeze. "Bring it on."

* * *

Holding Connie in a bridal carry, Lapis flew them down to the cliffside ruins. The blue gem then walked out into what millennia ago was probably a crater but was now a gentle depression between crumbling structures. "Around you is the scenic Sea Shrine Campus," she called over her shoulder. Pointing at the cliff she said, "Or, half of it, anyway. Go about thirty paces that-a-way and about three thousand leagues down and you might be able to get yourself another hourglass."

Connie cupped her hands around her mouth. "Pass!"

Lapis chuckled. "See, I knew you were smart." She fidgeted a little with her sleeves, clearly working up her nerve to continue. "This was my first, and last, command." 

She kicked a rock out of the crater and over the cliff. Around the time it would have hit water, the splash drowned out by the crashing of the waves, Lapis said, "We had some hot leads about Homeworld preparing for a massive offensive. They were rallying the troops and we were going to hit 'em while they were still getting organized. It was such a big deal, we even worked out something with the other half of the Rebellion; we needed everyone if this was going to work."

Connie stood silent, feeling her skirt flap in the sea breeze. Lapis drew her shoulders back proud, but the sigh she gave made it clear it was a bittersweet memory. "Your mom's plan was brilliant, devastating, but the Rebellion was only so big. All hands on deck meant even a dip like me was given a squad. Big blue hope of the Rebellion, ender of Homeworld’s air superiority, and hottest hydrokinetic this side of Alpha Centauri. I was stoked. 'About dang time' and all that. I mean, who doesn't want minions?" she said with a flippant voice that was completely at odds with her expression.

"It turns out that if you swat enough aircraft out of the sky, it's not just the good guys who notice. As soon as word got out that I was over here, Homeworld scrambled a couple of special task forces. Years later I heard the order came from Pink Diamond herself, this being before Blue and Yellow told Pink to go sit in her corner while the adults talked war."

Lapis sat down, slowly, delicately, as if she were made of glass and risked breaking. "It was a slaughter. No half-measures and no quarter given. That- That one Ruby who always thought she had a shot, asked me out probably two hundred times? When a Homeworld Quartz shattered her, I actually felt the spray of shards."

Lapis was curled up on herself, looking as small and fragile as Connie had ever seen her. Connie was on the cusp of stepping forward to comfort the gem when Lapis rose to her feet, her demeanor completely changed. She looked... pissed.

Lapis pointed at one of the piles of rubble, weeds growing up through the cracks. "There used to be a building there. I dropped it on that Quartz. Swept everyone and everything aside with as much water as I could throw at it. There used to be a mountain over there," and she pointed at a space somewhere over the churning ocean. "It was the bunker they'd warped in from. I tore it open and watched the technicians inside try to make it to the warp pad to escape. Spoiler alert: they didn’t. And the higher I flew, the more Homeworld soldiers I saw... It got so _hard_ to tell everyone apart. Homeworld. Citrine-loyalists. Rose-loyalists. If you go up high enough, everyone looks like a Homeworld Quartz with red dust on her hands."

Lapis laid down and stared up at the sky. It was hard to tell from Connie's angle, but it almost looked like Lapis' eyes were reflective. "I think you know what happened next. I treated the face of the Earth like one of those slide-the-hole puzzles and a lot of gems and buildings went for a swim. Jasper was one, though a little thing like a continent falling on her isn't going to keep her down. Citrine almost did, though she was able to use those force fields to keep her and her squad from going under. It- Zircon did the numbers for me once based on the best intel of the time. It was probably four-to-one in favor of the Rebellion. It also took out a whole lot of military installations." She gave a dry chuckle and said, "Most of 'em were even Homeworld's.”

She shook her head and muttered something under her breath.

"The problem with being as angry as you can get is that you can only calm down from there. Which sucks because after you go that far, you _really_ don't want come back and face the mess you made." Lapis sat up and gave the area a cursory glance. "I landed somewhere around here when I finally calmed down. Tired. Confused. My entire form was shaking. And that’s when it all hit me. I mean," and she waved at the jagged cliff edge nearby, "it's kinda hard to miss."

"What'd you do?" asked a small voice behind Lapis.

Lapis stood up and gave a rueful smile. "What I do best, Con-con. I ran. Found me a nice cave somewhere and decided the hermit life was in this decade. Easier to pretend it never happened than to actually deal with it, ya know? I don't even know how much time passed. If you try hard enough, you _can_ go full grizzly bear and spend an entire winter napping. But one day your mom showed up."

There was silence. Connie fiddled with her hearing aids and had to snap her fingers beside her ear to confirm they were still working. It took her a moment to realize that the constant crash of the waves had died out. As far as she could see, the ocean had gone still, a pane of glass reflecting the brilliant light of the rising sun.

Then, suddenly, the ocean was swelling up, a gigantic figure taking form and rising just off the cliffside. Lapis' hydrokinesis couldn't work with fine detail, but if you scaled up large enough...

It was all Connie could do not to fall over at the sight. Lapis, meanwhile, had dropped to one knee, head lowered, a gem resigned to the fate that had finally caught up with her.

Transparent and towering above them, a serene, if slightly saddened, Citrine looked down on them, lit and glowing by the sun rising behind her. Somehow the morning rays managed to catch the colossus just right such that Citrine's gemstone sparkled a brilliant yellow while the rest of her looked shimmery and insubstantial.

The watery simulacrum mouthed as it spoke, but the words came from Lapis' lips. "Lapis." The voice was calm, lilting.

"Don't- Don't come closer!" said Lapis, more fearful than angry, sounding very much like herself.

In a calm voice, Connie heard, "Lapis, it's okay."

"It is not okay! Get away from me!" she screeched, digging her hands into the dirt beneath her.

"Lapis, I'm not here to punish you." The huge figure rose up, stepping out of the sea like an oceanic goddess coming onto land. She knelt, reaching out with an enormous hand to caress Lapis' cheek. Lapis, meanwhile, shook, wracked by remembered emotions but leaning into the touch. "We'll talk and then I'll leave. Whether you come with me will be your choice."

Lapis wasn't crying, the moisture on her cheeks from the watery caress, but Connie was. It was just so much, to actually see her mother, not as a painting or an old photo, not in her imagination, but a moving, talking figure. And when the tears blurred her vision, then it wasn't obvious this Citrine was a construct of Lapis' powers. It was easy to pretend, so Connie did.

A part of Connie, a kernel from when she'd been much smaller and all the world had been larger, saw her mother towering overhead and it just. Felt. _Right._ It was only because it would have dispelled the fragile illusion that Connie didn't run to embrace her.

Connie reached up and wiped her eyes with her arm. She found herself sitting down and the next time she looked up, the figure was retreating, becoming an indistinct blob that disappeared below the cliff's edge. A choke of denial escaped her and her arm thrust out to plead with Citrine to stay, but the moment was gone, the delicate bubble had burst. Lapis came and sat down beside her, pulling her into a side hug.

"What I remember best was the way she smiled. Her eyes were sad, but she was relieved to find me and, I think, happy that I was okay. I just- How could she do that? I had just destroyed a part of her world and yet... she forgave me. All that fear and anger drained right out and I felt calm. It was like we were in the sanctuary."

Connie could only nod while she mopped her face and leaned into Lapis. Eventually, though, she managed to mumble out, "What did she do?"

Lapis' grip on Connie tightened fractionally, comfort broadcast by touch. "What she said: we talked. We talked for hours. About anything and everything except what I'd done. Gossip. Jokes. Zircon's latest betting pools and Bismuth's latest creations. She played with my hair. I think I even took a nap in her lap at one point. Convenient, because when she's like that, the drool just falls right through."

Connie blinked. A corner of her was on the cusp of asking what _that_ meant, but the rest of her vetoed it. If Lapis had let something slip, this wasn't the time to probe her on it.

Lapis broke the hug and dug around in her pockets. Eventually she pulled a yellow Chaaaaps bag out, a remnant from their lunch two sunrises earlier. She creased the bag several times and then put her hand in, opening and closing its 'mouth.' Connie couldn't help but giggle at this new 'Citrine' who turned to face Lapis' other hand, a blue sock puppet minus the sock.

The yellow Chaaaaps bag said in a calm and lilting voice, "Lapis?" Connie snickered again, marveling at Lapis' talent for inflicting emotional whiplash.

"Yes general?" said Lapis' hand, her voice relieved and relaxed.

"It's time I go. Will you come with me?" 

Despite this still being a chip bag talking, Connie felt herself growing sober.

Lapis' hand looked anxious. "I would but... What about the others? What do I say? What do they think?"

Calmly (and a little crinkly) Citrine said, "If they bother you, I will speak with them myself. However, there is a war to be won and everyone needs your help. That will be enough for most, and time and victory will convince the rest."

"Then I will come back." 'Lapis' bowed. "Thank you. For coming and... for this."

The Citrine puppet managed as noble a nod as was possible and then turned. The two of them 'walked' toward stage right. Citrine paused. "And Lapis? The next time you go into battle, you should go with Jasper. _Together._ It'll be safer that way."

"But... general, you know... Malachite brings out so many awful things about me."

"I do. But in your opinion, what was brought out last battle?”

'Lapis' looked down, forlorn. "I understand, general. I'm- We can go now."

There was the crash of the waves and the sound of the wind. Other than Lapis setting a rock down on 'Citrine' so the bag wouldn't blow away, the two sat in silence together.

Lapis cleared her throat, her voice soft, "That wasn't exactly the history I was planning on showing you when we went on this trip. That's, what, Conniefession number two?"

Connie managed to find a modest smile somewhere. "Three, actually. The beach party, the living island, and this. Also Steven mentioned you saying some stuff at mom's sanctuary."

"Lies and slander, all of it!" quipped Lapis, earning a chuckle from both of them.

"Do you feel any better?" Connie peered up at her with soft eyes.

Lapis stared down at her feet as if looking for a sign there of her well-being. She rolled her shoulders. "Yeah, a little bit."

Remembering a note to herself from when Pyra was approaching Beach City, Connie pivoted and pulled Lapis into a tight hug. Lapis returned the embrace. _Hug Lapis more. Check._

"Okay, I'm feeling better," said the gem eventually, Connie hearing her voice resonate in the gem's chest as she spoke.

The two parted slowly, Lapis stuffing the Chaaaaps bag back in her pocket.

"You know what would help me right now?" asked Connie.

"What?"

"Pocky."

Lapis' eyes sparkled and her familiar grin returned. "Ah, that's the beautiful thing about history: it's made fresh daily. Delicious, chocolaty history. Let's go eat a better yesterday for tomorrow."

Connie stood up and helped Lapis to her feet. "Dibs on warping!" she cried as she sprinted for the warp pad.

Lapis cupped her hands around her mouth. "Fine, but don't come crying to me if we get pulled over for warping without a license." Lapis chuckled and jogged after the girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The art for this chapter came from MjStudioArts.
> 
> Incidentally, MJ did another version of the Water!Citrine pic. It didn't make it into the chapter itself, but I still want to share it.  
> 
> 
> Also, if Lapis and Connie's dialogue atop the Sea Shrine Spire sounded familiar, it's because they're riffing on [this scene](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhOrxkGlLDM) from _The Emperor's New Groove_.
> 
> New omake to point out:  
> *) [Lutes and Loot](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/35193911) by [leo60228](https://archiveofourown.org/users/leo60228/pseuds/leo60228) \- "Connie, Steven, Jeff, and Peedee have an exciting battle against an alien matriarch." Written concurrently and independently from the Ep24 Jasper chapter.
> 
> * * *
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


	5. ?????

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After you finish reading this chapter, there is a related omake story you might want to check out:  
> [Deleted Scenes - Episode 24: Gems-ology, The Collection](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/35581845) by [br42](http://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42) \- One scene that we joked about in the Team chat but never seriously considered including in the episode.

It was a quiet time in the Beach House. That's not to say it was actually quiet --Peridot was rebuilding a kitchen appliance on the kitchen counter, Connie's phone was playing an eclectic playlist of music from the Cool Kids' TubeTube channel, and Wolf was softly snoring-- but everything was calm and relaxed. 

Jasper was seated in her usual spot on the couch but instead of a novel, she was reading the _Lutes and Loot_ player's handbook she'd borrowed from Steven. Bismuth was sitting on the floor beside a bucket of Legos, a fortress taking shape one block at a time. There were even Lego invaders strewn about, some absent heads or with top and bottom halves separated as they fell victim to the plethora of creative, built-in defenses. Connie was sitting on the window seat while Lapis painted her fingernails for her. Seafoam green to match her shorts. A half-empty box of Pocky sat between them.

The phone had just started playing some heavy metal, Jenny's contribution to the playlist, obviously, when it was interrupted by a chipper ringtone. Connie started to reach for it when Lapis gave her a gentle swat on the arm.

"No touchie. Wet paint, remember?" The blue gem had a stick of Pocky held in her other hand like she was Audrey Hepburn on the set of _Breakfast at Tiffany's_.

The phone rang on. "Well, then how am I supposed to answer Steven's call?" Letting the phone ring just felt _wrong_ to Connie.

A trio of floating fingers wafted over and tapped the phone's screen, then conveyed the device over toward the kitchen. Phone hovering in front of her face, Peridot said, "Greetings Steven. Connie is unable to handle her communication device at this time so I have you on speaker phone."

"Oh, okay. Thanks Miss Peridot. Hi Crystal Gems!" cheered the boy as the phone was levitated over to the window sill beside Connie. Five voices answered back, the noise causing Wolf to briefly open half-lidded eyes and snort.

Connie leaned towards the phone while Lapis continued working on her nails, the stick of Pocky disappearing in nibbles. "Hi Steven. Sorry, Lapis is painting my nails right now so I can't hold the phone. What's up?"

"Oh, well, I was wondering if you would be free for some-" Pause. " _Two-player_ gaming later on."

A thrill shot through Connie and she smiled widely. "Sure! We're almost done here." She turned to Lapis, "We are almost done, right?" and the gem nodded, more Pocky vanishing behind Lapis' sudden smirk. "Lapis says we're almost done. I'll come over right after!" And because she couldn't help herself, she added, "It's more fun when we _put our heads together._ "

There was a snicker over the phone. "When our powers combine..."

The pair of teens giggled and then Steven ended the call. It was all Connie could do to sit still while Lapis finished and her nails dried. The second they were declared dry, Connie grabbed her pack and bolted out the door.

As the sound of footsteps receded the Beach House was briefly silent. Bismuth finished a blocky crenellation. "I wonder what those two get up to while they're out."

Peridot looked up from her tinkering. "They're unsupervised teenagers. What _can_ they be doing? Neither possesses much currency or the necessary license to operate a vehicle, which sharply curtails any mischief they could be engaging in."

"Maybe they're sparring," said Jasper, gemstone still buried in the rulebook. "They were talking about it the other day. Sounded like sparring."

"Perhaps they're cataloguing local flora or fauna," offered Peridot as she worked.

Lapis, lounging with a knowing smile and a fine dusting of Pocky crumbs, sat up and looked at Peridot in disbelief. "You think they're chasing bugs? Really Dot?"

In a defensive voice, Peridot said, "They could be." Then, more casually, she added, "Regardless, I am unconcerned."

Lapis pouted at the now-empty box of Pocky, then nodded at Peridot. "I s'pose you're right. I mean, it's not like they're fusing or anything."

Everyone chuckled at the absurdity then went back to their tasks.

* * *

Someone opened their eyes, looking around the isolated stretch of beach they were standing on. Hidden behind the hill of Lighthouse Park, the amusement park they were half-banned from visible off in the distance, they were alone. Together.

"Hehee!" They bounced, bare feet leaving footprints in the sand, large compared to the smaller ones Connie and Steven had made during their dance. It felt. So. _GOOD_ being them.

Unable to contain their enthusiasm, their _joie de vivre_ , they performed a perfect cartwheel followed by a handspring and ending in a backflip. "Whoa! That was amazing! I'm amazing. This is amazing! I didn't even know I could- OH MY GOSH LOOK AT MY NAILS!"

Hurriedly brushing the sand off their fingers on their shorts (seafoam down one leg and khaki down the other, an interesting combination), they looked at their fingernails. On their left hand, the left half of their nails were painted. On their right, it was the right half that was seafoam green.

"That is so cool. Hey, I wonder what would happen if I painted them now. Oooh! Or if, like, Steven and Connie were both holding swords when they danced, would I have one _big_ sword? I need to write these down." With a single great leap, the big-haired double-teenager landed and simultaneously reached for Steven's cheeseburger backpack with one hand and Connie's battered green pack with the other.

"Oops. Uh, whichever is fine," they said, their voice a little higher than before.

"Wait, I know," they answered, voice a little deeper. "I'll get a pen from here-" and they pulled one from the green pack, "-and a notepad from here," and they pulled a pad of paper from the novelty backpack.

Sitting down, they started to write. They had gotten as far as, 'See if fusion clothes stay fused if removed' when the sun passed out from behind a cloud and the glare off the bay made them blink. With a grunt and an act of will, a force field appeared, toning down the glare. Looking back at the pad, they blushed and gave an embarrassed cough, adding, 'Dress in layers,' underlining the sentence twice. Then they blinked and looked at the force field. 

"I can do gem magic?" they whispered.

A force field appeared overhead.

"I can do gem magic!" they shouted with a laugh, springing to their feet. With a serious expression and a dramatic pose, they said to themself, "Maybe I'm able to transcend limitations that apply to Connie. Imagine if I could dismiss my fields at will, make them change size and shape as needed, or make them move after summoning them." They then grinned widely, radiating excitement. "I could stand on one and fly around like Magneto!"

They pointed. They shouted. They made gestures of magic and eldritch might they'd seen in movies and comic books. They thought really hard. They pushed. They recited a litany of power Lisa had used in _Destiny's End_. The fields refused to vanish or budge.

They summoned a field to sit on and ponder, then looked down and laughed. "I know _one_ test I can do! Man, being able to summon more than seven fields would be a really cool upgrade too!"

Four new force fields later and they staggered as if drunk. There was a flash of light and then Steven was holding a dazed Connie in his lap, the girl staring uncomprehendingly up at the sky.

"Okay, that didn't work," said the boy, cradling his friend while waiting for the fields to vanish and her brain to go out of magical lockdown. Then he gave a weak smile and said, "But now I know what 'joie de vivre' means, which is kinda neat."

* * *

Connie and Steven walked side-by-side, sticking to the shady side of the street to avoid the heat of early August. The Universe family home was drawing near.

Connie stared into the middle distance, using a lull in the conversation to think about something. "Do you ever feel..." She trailed off, trying to find the words. "Do you ever feel shrunk coming out of... being together? I mean, I come out and I'm feeling all content and relaxed but it feels like it takes me a minute to remember what being Connie is like again."

Saying the word 'fusion' aloud in the context of her and Steven felt dangerous. Instead, she and Steven had resorted to speaking in code, like they had over the phone earlier, so that the gems and his parents wouldn't suspect anything.

"I know what you mean. It's always such a weird feeling afterwards," agreed Steven. As they turned onto the flagstone path to the house, he said to his friend, "Speaking of which, that was different. Why didn't you tell me it was that time for you?"

Connie stared at him uncomprehendingly for a moment. Then her eyes went wide and she hid behind hands with a squeak. "Oh geeze! I didn't even think about that coming across while we were... I was just so excited to get to- You were grossed out, weren't you? I'm so sorry!"

Gingerly Steven took one of the hands Connie was hiding behind and gave it an affirming squeeze. "No, nothing like that. That was fine. But, like, mom has special chocolate she likes for that and I could have brought some with me. Or there's this type of tea that she says helps. I can make you some when we get inside."

Connie shook her head but couldn't banish the faint smile Steven had put there. "I- Okay, that'd be nice, actually. I'd just feel weird bringing, ya know, _that_ up."

Steven waggled his eyebrows at her. "Free chooocolaaate."

Connie laughed. "Fine, fine. But let's talk about something else now."

Steven nodded then had to pause and fish his keys out. Unlocking the door and holding it open for Connie, he called in, "Hey mom, dad. I'm home and Connie's with me too!"

The two went inside and were answered only by the ubiquitous music of the Universe family home, Blondie's _Heart of Glass_ playing over the sound system.

Connie looked at Steven, who shrugged in response. The girl started to head for the stairs up toward Steven's room and paused at the bannister. "Hey, do you want to do some actual two-player gaming?"

Steven nodded. "Sure! Oh, but let me go make you some of that tea. I'll be up in a couple minutes with drinks and snacks and chocolate."

Connie smiled in response and headed up. A little while later Steven followed after her, balancing a tray. With exaggerated care, he handed her a steaming mug, saying, "I know you only like a little honey but I put extra in because the tea is kind of sour. Especially compared to the tea mom usually makes." 

Mary Universe jokingly claimed that if a pitcher of her sweet tea started getting old, she used it to top off her hummingbird feeders instead. Having tried said tea before, Connie wasn't entirely convinced it was a joke.

A plate of dark chocolates, fruit, and crackers followed the tea, which Steven positioned between them. "Dad's working at the car wash. It's gotten a lot busier since summer. And I saw a note downstairs from mom. She had an errand she had to run, said she was going to be gone until dinner."

Connie blew on her tea and then tried a sip. It wasn't bad, actually, despite Steven's warning. The dark chocolate, however, was _very_ dark and she had to take extra sips of tea between bites. It did seem to help. Steven was untangling some controller cords when an idea struck her, a thrill jolting down her spine.

"Hey, Steven?" she said in a quiet voice, holding the mug up as if hiding behind it.

Her friend turned and looked her way. "Huh?"

"Since everyone's gone, uh, would you like to try and do some two-player gaming? Here?" With a swallow, she peeked just over the rim, brown eyes trying to read her friend’s reaction.

Steven's brows furrowed in confusion for a moment and he glanced between Connie and the gaming system looking for clues. Then his eyes went wide and his ears flushed a little. "Oooh. Uh. Yeah.” He swallowed. “We could do that."

* * *

Mary pulled into the garage. It was a big garage, easily large enough for two cars, but given her husband’s pack rat-tendencies, there was only room enough for the one. The rest was overflowing with stuff that would probably wind up in some storage unit someday. Or the barn, though Greg had cited ‘oddly polite road work signs’ as the the reason the latest trip had been postponed.

Back during the tour bus days, Mary had been an anti-stuff crusader, vetoing purchases and donating clutter. If she hadn’t, they would have drowned amidst the belongings that accumulated around Greg.

When she finally convinced Greg that it was time to give up the touring life, her rockstar husband had accepted it gracefully, gentle soul that he is. However, it was clear the decision had been a hard one for him.

And so it was that Mary had quietly ended her crusade. They could certainly afford more storage and if Greg found comfort in never passing up a yard sale, or any kind of sale, really, so be it. Among the ranks of semi-retired musicians, there were far worse vices being indulged in than avid consumerism.

Steven’s birthday was coming up. In anticipation, Mary had made a trip to a couple different stores. With Marty dropping by regularly to visit Sour Cream in the lead up to the boy’s tour, Mary couldn’t blame Vidalia for using her to get out of the house. With her help, Mary had wrapped up her shopping much sooner than expected.

She went through the garage door holding two heavy bags. She’d get Steven to help her carry in the rest, but before that she had to get these out of sight. Hiding gifts from Steven had gotten substantially easier now that she had an entire house instead of just a tour bus to work with.

But first, Mary had to bask.

Stepping through the utility room and into the kitchen, Mary set down the heavy bags, kicked off her shoes, and then stood there in her home, breathing in the comforting feel of the place. A much younger Mary had run away from home when she’d joined Greg, oh-so-many years ago, and despite the music and fame and family, it wasn’t until she had a home to come back to that she’d really felt at peace. Wrapping satisfaction around her like a blanket, Mary picked up the bags and took them to hide in her office, quietly tucking them away as the ever-present music played. 

Stepping out of her office, Mary heard a voice upstairs. Good, that meant Steven was home. A tiny tension in her shoulders relaxed because it meant he wasn’t out on some adventure with Connie. As much as she adored her son’s best friend, it was only with the utmost reluctance (and considerable convincing and support from Greg) that she allowed Steven to be involved with the Crystal Gems. 

Mary approached the stairwell leading up to the second floor and paused, listening. Was Connie with Steven? Hearing the voice again, she’d picked up on a feminine tone that was definitely Connie-like. It’d be convenient if she was since Mary planned to invite her to dinner: she suspected Connie would enjoy the chicken adobo Mary was planning to make, plus, well, it’d mean that _Connie_ wasn’t out on some adventure as well.

She’d feel guiltier except she knew that both Doug and his girlfriend, Priyanka, did the same thing: parental conspiracy via home-cooked meals.

Mary was a few paces outside her son’s room when she heard the voice a third time and froze. That didn’t sound like Connie. Or Steven. Not completely. They sounded older and, for the life of her, Mary couldn’t imagine who it’d be. Still, if her husband effortlessly acquired _stuff,_ her son did the same for friends. Maybe it was the girl who sometimes accompanied the mayor’s son to guitar lessons. Or perhaps the one from the donut shop. 

Mary gently nudged the door open.

“Don Flamenco, you’ll rue the day you stepped into the ring against me. You may have beaten Steven, but now you face-”

With panicked suddenness, a person who had to be in their twenties spun around and stared at Mary, a game controller in one hand and a blanket draped across their legs. The look of slack-jawed, big-eyed surprise and guilt actually reminded her of Steven when she’d caught him snooping for birthday presents. The person froze, Mary froze, and they both stared at each other for a long second.

There was a flash of light, an audible ‘pop,’ and suddenly Connie and Steven were sprawled across the floor, the latter scrambling up and shouting, “MOM! CLOSE THE DOOR!”

Mary hurriedly complied, slamming the door shut. Stepping back a few paces, she stared at the doorknob to her son’s room, then at her hand, as though the answer to whatever the hell she’d just witnessed would be written across her palm. She felt a chill shoot down her spine and an old urge to light up a cigarette surfaced. She’d walked in on her son, that much was certain, but doing _what?_

The murmur of voices helped draw Mary out of her own bewilderment. Steven was saying something to Connie in a soothing tone. Connie, meanwhile, sounded agitated and freaked out. Right. Connie. Magic. Whatever that was, it was definitely magic. And from the sounds Mary was hearing, embarrassing magic at-

A memory of New Year’s Eve filtered back. _“Oh, do pardon Hiddenite, ladies and gentlemen. She didn’t mean to crash the party... though the party doesn’t really begin without her.”_ Mary connected some more dots. That plus what sounded like Connie on the verge of a panic attack is what propelled Mary to action.

She knocked on the door. The voices on the other side went instantly silent. After a few seconds, the door cracked open an inch and she saw her son looking through at her. He gave a nervous chuckle. “Hehe, uh, hi mom. You’re home early. How are you today?”

Mary relaxed slightly. She didn’t understand the first thing about magic, or aliens, or monsters, but she understood teenagers. Stepping into the role of the wise, patient, all-knowing authority figure, also known as ‘mom,’ Mary gave her son an easy smile. “I’m doing well, dear. I was thinking of brewing up some nice, soothing tea and I’d like for you and Connie to join me when it’s ready. I’ll call after you two in a couple of minutes.”

The inch-wide section of her son swallowed and gave another nervous chuckle. “Oh, uh, sure. Right?” He looked toward the back of his room, presumably where Connie had fled. He turned back to Mary. “Y-Yeah, we’ll- Tea sounds nice.” There was another second of silence and then the door slammed shut once more.

Mary went downstairs and started the tea. Then, making sure no one was around to hear her, she allowed herself a moment to lean against the kitchen counter, bury her face in her hands, and make a noise that was half laugh and half sob.

* * *

Connie sipped her tea --lapsang souchong with honey-- staring straight ahead and feeling numb. She was seated on a bar stool next to Steven and across the kitchen counter from his mom. Mother and son were talking lightly but Connie wasn’t capable of anything other than drinking her tea and idly wondering just how _over_ her life was.

If it wasn’t for the state of emotional shock she was in, she was pretty sure she’d be hyperventilating.

“-but I want you both to know that I’m not upset. I just need to make sure that you’re both okay.”

That managed to penetrate Connie’s bubble of numb, the girl staring dumbly in Steven’s mom’s direction.

“No, we’re okay. I’m okay. Connie’s okay. We’ve done this lots of times and it was never a-” Steven froze. “Iiii mean, we’ve… Not done this before?” He gave Connie a look that was equal parts apology and silent plea for help.

Steven’s mom, radiating calm concern, finished her tea and set the mug aside. “No fibbing, Steven. I understand you’re nervous and you want to protect Connie, but like I said, it’s going to be okay.” A hint of steel slipped into her voice. “Unless you lie to me, young man. What have I always said?”

Steven answered in a defeated voice, “‘Magic is fine. Secrets are not.’”

“So,” said Mary, “that was fusion, wasn’t it?”

Steven nodded. A beat later Connie did too, albeit minutely, her body still feeling like something she was controlling from a distance.

“What do the gems say about you two fusing?”

Steven fidgeted. A distant part of Connie felt bad for him and even, briefly, considered answering on his behalf. The rest of her, wrapped in a safety blanket of emotional detachment, vetoed.

“They-” Steven licked his lips. “They don’t know about it.” He examined his shoes. “No one did until now.”

Mary Universe nodded to herself. “With how things went at New Year’s, and what you told me about the Fourth of July, I think I can see why you might have kept quiet.”

Slowly Connie looked up at the tall woman leaning on the counter across from her. For the first time since the _Punch-Out!!_ match, Connie felt a glimmer of hope. It also meant she felt the other stuff too and she had to drink deep of her tea to keep hold of her composure.

Steven’s mom thought a little longer, then looked at her son, a searching expression that went on for seconds. “No lies, no omissions: you’re okay? Physically and emotionally, you’re fine with what you and Connie have been doing… right?”

Steven blinked and then nodded his head. “Yeah. It’s fine. I mean, I’m kind of freaked out and sweaty right now, but that’s all just from ‘omg, hi mom’ and being all…” He trailed off and then finished with, “I’m good. Honest.”

His mom favored her son with a smile. “That’s good to hear. Thank you for being open with me.” She took a breath and squared her shoulders. “Now, Connie and I need to have a little talk. There’s a bunch of party supplies in my car that I’d like you to carry in. Then I’d appreciate it if you could set out the ingredients for tonight’s dinner.”

The pit in Connie’s stomach opened up and she tried desperately to fill it with tea. 

Steven, meanwhile opened and closed his mouth but before he could talk, his mom handed him a hand-written list. “Here you go. Just put a star next to anything you couldn’t find.” She turned to face Connie and said, “Will you be joining us for dinner tonight, Connie? I was thinking chicken adobo, by the way.”

Still wide-eyed, Connie nodded. Not that she was in any way hungry at this moment, but if it meant not facing the gems or her dad a little longer, she was all in favor of it.

Steven’s mom walked around the kitchen divider and motioned for Connie to follow her down the hall toward the front of the house. Connie took a final swig of tea --the honey that had settled on the bottom sweet on her tongue-- set down the mug, and slid off the bar stool.

Steven looked at Connie with worry. Mary saw this and gave him a slight smile. “You’ll have Connie back soon enough. Now run along.”

With a final look, Steven made for the garage. Connie, meanwhile, followed Mrs. Universe down the hall, into the part of the house that served as the music shop, and then into a professional-looking office in the back. Closing the door behind them, Steven’s mom gestured to a plush office chair that was across from the desk. The walls were lined with file cabinets, though there were lots of framed photos of Steven, his dad, and people who were presumably other friends or family members Connie didn’t recognize.

Connie sat down awkwardly. Mary turned on a lamp that filled the room with a soft, warm glow, gently closed the office door, then slid into her seat. She gave Connie a disarming smile. “Steven’s a good boy but some topics are better girl’s-only.”

Connie wrung her hands. “I-I guess so.”

Steven’s mom took a deep breath and for a moment she didn’t look absolutely calm and in-charge. She looked… a little embarrassed, actually. She took a long moment gathering her thoughts before saying, a touch apologetically, “Let's start with the big one. Can you fusing with Steven get you pregnant?”

Connie made a choking noise and could only imagine the expression she was making. After a couple of failed attempts getting her mind to stop running in circles screaming, she stammered out, “N-No?”

Steven’s mom took another deep breath, her hands folding in front of her. “Do you know how a woman gets pregnant?”

Connie’s cheeks burned and she wouldn’t have been surprised if her hair caught fire. “Yes. Yes I do. Peridot did a lot of studying human biology before I was born and I’ve gotten many lectures on how… all of _that_ works. Also, there was this one time after dad moved back to town when he had this talk with me and it was completely awkward but, anyway, yes I know where babies come from.” She caught her breath while gripping the plush arms of her chair before saying hurriedly, “And what Steven and I were doing wasn’t at all the same as, uh, that, and I’m also on birth control pills and it’s also that time of the month for me and I heard you couldn’t get pregnant during that time anyway.”

Unfortunately the earth didn’t swallow her up. Fortunately, Steven’s mom pulled a bottle of water from beneath her desk and passed it over. Connie opened it and drank gratefully, less from heat or thirst and more because it was one of the few things she could think to do that wouldn’t embarrass her further.

Mrs. Universe relaxed a little. “Okay, good. I’m sorry, but I didn’t want to assume anything about what you did or didn’t already know.” She leaned across the desk a little, her expression concerned. “And you’re certain that’s not going to get you pregnant, because it kind of seems like the gem version of-”

Connie set her bottle of water down so fast a little spilled on her sleeve. Ignoring that, Connie interjected. “I _really_ don’t think it’s the same thing. Like, really really. Okay, I’m only half gem and no one really knows about what I can do or how things work, but this- Steven and I haven’t- We’re not even- I promise we’re only friends.” Connie slumped back in her seat a little breathless, the very picture of youthful mortification.

Mrs. Universe nodded but her attention was focused a little over Connie’s head. With a minute frown, she shifted back to Connie. “This fusing… Steven’s not pressuring you at all, is he? I know he can be really excitable and you’re his best friend, but you shouldn’t feel obligated to do anything you aren’t completely comfortable with.”

Connie had to take a couple of seconds staring at Steven’s mom before she really understood the question. When she did she jolted upright. “No! Oh, geeze, no. Steven has been perfect. It happened by accident the first time and after that I said we shouldn’t do it anymore and he was completely supportive of that even though it made us both really miserable and afterward he’s always been really considerate about it, in fact today was all my fault because I was the one who thought we could fuse in his room and I’m really sorry because now that I think about it that’s probably really weird for you and you came home to find us and it’s not Steven’s fault, he’s great, I promise.”

This time she really was breathless, the final words coming out in a croak. Mrs. Universe gave her time to recover. She glanced over at something and there was a hint of a smile on her lips, but Connie was in no state to wonder about any of that.

Long seconds passed and then Mrs. Universe rose to her feet and said, “That’s all very good to hear. And Connie?” She waited until she was sure she had Connie’s attention. “I want you to know that if you need anything, or need to talk about anything, you’re welcome to come to me, day or night.”

Connie nodded and, unsure what else to do, stood up as well.

With a full smile, Steven’s mom opened the office door, revealing a startled and worried-looking Steven standing just a few feet away. “Thank you for talking with me, dear. I think it’s time I get started on dinner, but I’ll call for you two when it’s ready.”

She gave her son a nod and then started walking across the music shop. She paused near a drum set and looked back over at her and Steven. “It’s clear you two wanted for this to stay secret. Provided you two are careful, with this and with each other, I won’t tell anyone.”

It felt like Connie’s eyebrows were going to fly off her face. Steven looked between his mom and Connie and then nodded vigorously.

Mrs. Universe took another step then added, “And I’ll be sure to knock first next time.” With that she walked out of the music shop and down the hall, headed for the kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The art for this chapter came from BurdenKing, who I think did a fine job capturing for Connie Swap this moment from canon:  
> 
> 
> * * *
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


	6. Garnet

When Connie woke up, Jasper and Bismuth were standing on either side of the kitchen counter, squared off to arm wrestle. By the time Connie was dressed, Peridot had chased them out of the kitchen and was fussing over a dent or scrape in the divider.

As Connie unplugged her phone from its charger and checked for texts from Steven, Lapis was setting up a folding table and the two large gems were gathering around. After stepping out of the bathroom, Connie saw the wrecked remains of the folding table, a bemused Jasper, an incensed Peridot, and a chuckling Bismuth and Lapis.

As Connie sat down at the kitchen divider --sure enough, there was an elbow-shaped indentation-- and ate her breakfast, Jasper and Bismuth were hunched over the new coffee table. After Connie finished her breakfast, they were still at the coffee table, Jasper's arm held at a slightly obtuse angle.

Connie did some morning stretches and by the end, the scene was unchanged save that Bismuth's thick arm had inched slightly closer to the matte, silvery surface of the coffee table.

She took Wolf for a walk, jogging after the galloping hound as they traveled up and down the beach. Wolf snuffled around when they reached the remote stretch she and Steven had used to fuse the other day and a part of Connie went cold. Then Wolf sneezed, saw a seagull, and went bounding after the bird. By the time the two of them came home, Jasper and Bismuth were still at it, Jasper inexorably gaining ground.

While Connie waited for Steven to come over, she watched Lapis try distracting Jasper: telling an embarrassing story; blowing up and popping a paper bag; attempts at tickling. The blue gem even leaned in and whispered something in Jasper's ear. This caused the warrior's eyebrows to raise and her eyes to go a little distant, but her arm remained implacable.

By the time Steven arrived, Lapis was actively tugging on Jasper's arm. Bismuth's teeth were clenched and her free hand kept shapeshifting into various, wicked-looking weapons, but despite the assist, the coffee table kept getting closer.

Steven climbed the loft stairs and sat down beside Connie, his expression awed. "Whoa, is this some kind of Crystal Gem warrior ritual? Is Bismuth challenging Jasper for the role of leader?"

"If Jaz is the leader 'round here, I have a suggestion for the new salute." // "Sure, Pinky, and after this I'm challenging OJ to a race. First one to Neptune and back wins." // "What?! If anyone has a leadership role, it would be me. Speaking both figuratively and literally, the Crystal Gems would be without intelligence if it weren't for my contributions," said Bismuth, Lapis, and Peridot over one another.

Connie smiled and shook her head. "As far as I can tell, they just wanted to arm wrestle."

There was a thud and Bismuth groaned. Jasper rose, smiling, and helped Bismuth to her feet. The smith shook her head and chuckled.

"You still got it, Jaz. Can't no one beat the perfect Quartz." Bismuth turned and gave the coffee table an affectionate pat. "Not a scratch on my table, though. That's quality work there."

"Yeah, yeah, it's a great paperweight, BM," said a smirking Lapis. "But for the record, OJ never did beat Garnet."

Jasper scowled. "The apostate never won either. That deviant probably cheated with future-vision."

The gems below began to bicker good-naturedly but Connie heard none of it, the girl instead staring into the distance. Eventually a hand waved in front of her face. "Connie? Connie? Are you alright?" asked a concerned Steven.

Connie jolted slightly, her surroundings coming back into focus. She turned to her friend and said, "Hey Steven? How would you like to go for a walk?"

He blinked. "I mean, sure I-" He followed Connie's eyes to the warp pad and back. "Oh. Oooh. Uh, sure. A walk. That'd be nice."

* * *

It was a very long walk to Steven's family barn, or at least the warp pad that was kind of nearby. Fortunately, Jenny Pizza saw them trekking toward the outskirts of town and had been willing to give them a lift most of the way. Aside from being an all-around cool gal, Jenny was always willing to go the extra mile if it meant avoiding a little more of her job. Hers was a very motivated form of laziness.

The road to the barn itself was blocked off by road work signs that said, in English and French, 'Please stay away. Road work ongoing. Area is unsafe for terrestrial vehicles.' Jenny dropped them off, adding, "Call in a delivery for a mushroom and pineapple pizza and I'll come by and get you guys." She sped off, the pizzamobile's music rising to teeth-rattling levels as she did.

Connie and Steven weaved through the road hazard signs and started down the dirt road together. Connie pulled out a notepad and a pen. "Okay, how does this sound?" she asked as she wrote. "'Want to meet in Citine's sanctuary to talk. Will check for a note at your statue for meeting time,' and the we can sign our initials at the bottom."

Steven stared at the neat handwriting. "And you want to drop this off at Rose's fountain?"

"Well, next to the warp pad leading to Rose's fountain," clarified Connie. "Everyone seems afraid of or angry with Garnet so I don't think it's smart for the two of us to walk into her home. But no one can fight in the sanctuary, so it's the perfect place to meet."

Steven bobbed his head. "If she's been fused for a hojillion years like everyone says, she must be the fusion master. I wonder if she knows super fusion secrets? She definitely knows normal secrets; she was all wise-old-wizard and shared a couple when you were fixing the sanctuary."

Connie was chewing on her lip, clearly nervous despite her resolve. "It's just- The gems don't do fusion like we do and after the, uh, talk with your mom yesterday..." Both teens spent a moment squirming in remembered embarrassment. "-It got me thinking: there's a lot _we_ don't know either. And, well, I can't think of anyone else except Garnet who might."

The barn had started to loom ahead and both of the teens paused to look at it. Something was off but it wasn't immediately clear what. A few seconds later and Steven pointed to a cloud that should have been drifting behind the barn but was seemingly vanishing into clear blue skies. A little later and the far side of the cloud drifted past the barn, as though it was sneaking out from behind a sky-shaped curtain.

"Whoa, is that, like, a hologram or something?" asked Steven.

Connie shrugged. "I guess so. I'm glad Pearl and Amethyst aren't relying on the road work signs because that wouldn't stop one of the gems if they came this way." Looking closely there was also a thin curl of smoke rising up out of the hologram. In her mind's eye, Connie envisioned Pearl with a welder's mask and a blowtorch assembling the wing of her spaceship.

Regardless, these weren't the rogue gems they were here to see on the sly. Leading Steven off the path, the two of them headed out in a wide loop around the barn that would take them to the closest warp pad Connie could use unsupervised.

At one point they saw Amethyst seemingly step out of thin air as she cleared the perimeter of the disguise. She walked a little ways away from the barn and dumped out a bucket of dirty-looking liquid on the ground. Expanding her hand to enormous proportions, she waved at the pair and then vanished back 'inside.' 

Steven gave an enthusiastic wave back. They reached the warp pad soon after.

* * *

"Woo! Connie the warp master!" Steven's laughter during the warp was infectious. He and Connie were both giddy as they hurtled through the column of light, and they arrived in the aromatic grounds of Rose’s fountain still giggling.

"Nice day," said Garnet directly behind them.

Connie let out a small scream and instantly hated herself. She hurriedly turned around, taking another step back as she saw the tall, maroon-skinned figure standing less than five feet away.

The fusion leaned forward and gingerly plucked the note from Connie's hand. Without so much as glancing at it she said, "I'm available now.” A beat later she added, “You’ll find a note at my statue.”

She stood there, an almost palpable aura of mysterious calm coming off of her. Eventually Steven tapped Connie on the shoulder and signed, "[Should we go?]"

It took Connie a moment to push past the surprise and another moment to muscle aside her embarrassment, but she managed to cudgel her thoughts into order and sign back, "[Yeah. Just be on the lookout for anything suspicious.]"

Garnet watched them and there were the faintest hints of concern or confusion at the corners of her eyes. It depended on the eye, actually.

"Okay. Now is fine," said Connie out loud. "But I think you should warp separately, just in case Peridot checks her logs and wonders why I'm traveling with a human and another gem. Another two g-" Connie cut herself off abruptly. "With you," she finished weakly, mentally upbraiding both herself for saying the wrong thing and fusion for making the proper terms confusing.

Garnet nodded and stepped a few paces back. "See you soon," she said as the pair vanished in a column of light.

* * *

The cold of the sanctuary wasn't a natural cold. Traveling to Manikota, the temperature had hit Connie like an icy punch in the face. Here, you gently got colder and colder until you should have been shivering, but you just didn't feel that concerned about it. You knew you were freezing but it didn't bother you, except perhaps on an intellectual level as you wondered about hypothermia.

Fortunately, Connie and Steven had cold weather clothes in their packs and they quickly added the extra layers once they'd stepped clear of the warp pad. Right as Steven cheerfully helped Connie with her coat and gloves, the warp pad chimed again and there stood Garnet. She waited silently while the teens finished up and shouldered their packs back on.

The sanctuary was as wondrous as ever, though the sun was substantially lower in the sky here than it had been in Delmarva. Gem beasts wandered, napped, and frolicked across the grounds, half of which were shrouded in the fast-moving mist of a passing cloud. The lotus-topped tower caught the light and shone as bright and yellow as the gemstone on Connie's chest.

Somehow Connie's hand found her way to Steven's and the three walked down the stairs together: a single and a pair, or two pair, depending on how you reckoned it. Sure enough, there was a note wedged into the space between where the Sapphire's dress and the Ruby's left foot met on the statue's base.

It was rolled up like a scroll, with a thin piece of vine keeping it tied. Connie slipped the vine free and unrolled the paper. Printed on it in blocky writing was a single word: 'Gesundheit'.

Connie blinked and looked around, Steven doing the same. They turned to Garnet who gave them the ghost of a 'what can you do?' shrug. "You're hard to read."

"Bismuth said that too," replied Connie with a slight frown that was backed by habit rather than emotion.

Garnet blinked and swayed slightly. "Bismuth," she said in a quiet voice. Then she got very still, like a color-version of her statue. Well, color- and fused-version. Her blue and red eyes were closed but the purple eye in the center of her forehead darted this way and that, looking at something visible only to it.

Steven opened his mouth to speak when Connie sneezed. "Gesund-" His eyes went wide as he looked at the note, then Connie, then Garnet.

Garnet made a small huff of disappointment but otherwise remained statuesque.

Connie blew her nose and the pair waited for something to happen. Then, just as suddenly as she went still, Garnet moved. "I will speak with you, but you must do me one favor in return."

The pair looked at each other and then back at the fusion in wordless invitation.

"When you return to the temple, you will tell Bismuth, 'titanium.'"

Steven scratched his ear. Connie squinted, as if glaring would reveal the motive behind the inscrutable request. "Why?" she finally asked.

Garnet fixed her with a three-eyed stare. "Reasons."

The teens had a quick conference in sign language and then eventually Steven said, "Okay."

Garnet sat down on the sanctuary floor, cross-legged, arms resting on her knees. She gestured in invitation for Connie and Steven to do the same. They did though the extra layers made crossing their legs a little difficult.

After Garnet declined to say something first, Connie spoke up. "We want to know what you think about fusion. What it is. What it means. How it works. And how it can go wrong."

Garnet smiled. It was an easy grin, the first major, overt emotion she'd seen the fusion make.

"Also, if you've got any more wizard-clues or prophecies, that'd be handy too," added Steven, already pulling out a notebook and _Crying Breakfast Friends_ -themed pen.

Somehow Garnet managed to speak with great solemnity while grinning. Connie was impressed. "Fusion is a conversation between two or more gems. A good conversation makes for a good experience. A bad conversation makes for a bad experience. A simple conversation makes for a simple experience."

While Steven took notes, Connie asked, "What is Tiger's Eye?"

"A simple conversation."

"But she's huge and powerful," objected Connie, remembering how the enormous Peridot-and-Jasper fusion had, with perfect precision, defeated the colossal Ruby fusion monster.

"Simple can be powerful. ‘Love’ is a simple word. So is ‘choice.’ The two of them ignited a rebellion that shaped a world and an empire."

Connie spent a moment considering the response but then decided against it. If she took the time to try and puzzle out all of Garnet's pronouncements, they'd be here all day. Better to ask more questions up front and ponder them from Beach City with Steven. "Hiddenite?" she prompted.

"A conversation that becomes an argument eventually. Bad but getting better."

Connie licked her lips. "Malachite?"

Garnet's gaze was intense. Connie blanched even though she didn't actually feel nervous in the sanctuary. "Right, silly question."

Steven looked up from his notebook and raised his hand. "Miss Garnet?" She gave him a nod and a smile. "What sort of conversation are you?"

The fusion let out a long, calm breath then rolled her palms over so that the gemstones were showing. "One between two gems who share unreservedly, who trust utterly, who rely on each other completely. I am Ruby and Sapphire’s fury. I am their patience. I am their love."

Connie felt Steven's hand squeeze her own despite not remembering when they'd started holding hands. "Whoa," breathed her friend. "So Ruby and Sapphire have loved each other for thousands of years?" Garnet nodded, grinning once more. "That is so awesome."

The fact that the most stable fusion she'd ever heard of was founded on love, and that she and Steven were trying to handle fusion differently from the other Crystal Gems, gave Connie a lot to think about. Stuff that, even in a place of perfect calm, she felt uncertain delving into. _Wasn't there some Greek term for love between friends? Not eros or storge. Philia? Yeah, that was it._ Connie nodded and quickly set the matter aside.

Steven brushed a curl of hair out of his face and tucked it behind an ear. "So do the Crystal Gems need to love each other to be better at fusion?" He turned to Connie. "Does Jeff's mom do couples counseling? Would it even be couples counseling?"

Garnet chuckled. "A fusion grounded in love can be very strong, but it is not the foundation of fusion. There is love in Hiddenite, but she is still unstable.”

Connie leaned forward, eager, and Steven held his pen at the ready. “So what is the foundation?” she asked.

“Three things: honesty-" Her blue eye closed. "Trust-" Her red eye closed. "Respect-" Her purple eye closed and she appeared meditative, the mountaintop guru dispensing pearls of wisdom. "If Jasper, Lapis, and Peridot were able to give themselves and each other those three things then Malachite, Tiger's Eye, Hiddenite, and Azurite would be better."

The pair of teens looked at each other then said in unison, "Azurite?!"

"A rarity, even moreso than Selenite."

Steven hurriedly jotted down notes. Connie, meanwhile said, "We've never seen her either."

The three eyes opened and focused on them. "Yes you have."

A cloud passed through and the three of them were enshrouded, the only three beings in a world maybe twenty feet in diameter. Even the sounds of the sanctuary became muted.

Steven fidgeted with his _CBF_ pen, not quite meeting Garnet's, or Connie's, eyes. "If someone did have someone they could trust and respect and be honest with and lo-" He coughed. "If they had someone like that, what should they do about it? Uh, hypothetically speaking."

"Two halves, found, should be united," and Garnet brought her palms together, the gemstones touching as she clasped her hands. "There is no greater strength, or safety, than that. Others can fall, or fail, or leave, or disappoint," and she brought her hands up, clutching them to the rose motif on her chest. "But you will always have your other half. They are valuable beyond measure. Be ever with them and resist any who would separate you."

On the few times Connie had seen Garnet, the fusion always appeared confident, a pillar of strength and control. Here, shrouded in the fog and holding her hands to her chest, she looked... lonesome.

Connie started to ask a question when Garnet preempted her. "The others misunderstand and misuse fusion. It is wrong and they are not the only ones to have suffered because of it. The concept of fusion, why to fuse and when, became an argument between me and Malachite: fusion as an end unto itself, and fusion as a means to an end. That is why I remain apart. The war may have ended, but the argument has not."

Steven raised his hand again then spoke without waiting for Garnet's permission. "But you don't end an argument by never talking to someone. And it’s been, like, a bajillion years since you were in the gem army with Jasper and Lapis and I'm not sure you ever really got to meet Miss Peridot since she's kinda new to Earth at least by gem standards and Bismuth is in this weird Steve Rogers 'just woke up from cryo-sleep' place right now, but people change," he said, a little breathless by the end. Sucking in a lungful of air, though, he blazed on. "Jasper is reading stories and playing _Lutes and Loot_ and Miss Lapis talks more instead of getting all scary-eyed and Connie's a Crystal Gem and she was the one with the idea of asking you about fusion in the first place."

Steven leaned his head on Connie's shoulder, panting, Connie giving him an affirming hand squeeze. She couldn't help but smile at his earnestness and if she leaned into her friend a little, well, it was probably because of the cold. "You can't have a conversation without talking," she added.

Garnet studied them for a long second. The cloud they were in finally passed by and they were all bathed in sunlight. She smiled. "Things really are changing." She stood up and said, "We travel a river of possibility that has taken an unlikely branch." She winked. "Let's see where it leads us. Also, Steven, remember that you have to rub her the wrong way.”

Steven froze, eyes wide. “Is that a wizard-clue?”

Garnet, grinning, gave the faintest of nods. Then her expression became serious once more and she added, "If the two of you don't depart soon, there's a chance someone will warp here looking for you. Time to go."

Steven was writing in large letters Garnet’s cryptic advice, then underlining those letters again and again. Finally, Connie was able to compel him to setting the notes aside. The two helped one another to their feet, layered clothing making it awkward to rise. They got their respective packs and Connie was turning to say something in parting to Garnet when she noticed the gem had vanished. She looked around fruitlessly. A beat later Steven chuckled, pulling his friend in the direction of the warp pad. "She pulled a Batman on me last time too."

* * *

One order of pineapple and mushrooms later and they were cruising back to town in the back seat of the pizzamobile. Mercifully the pizza box was empty save for a note that read, 'If Jenny asks for a tip, tell her to finish more of her shifts,' and was signed by Kiki. However, the only thing Jenny fished for was gossip, dropping the pair off at the Big Donut.

Wolf was padding back from a stint as the fry shop mascot. The hound followed them back across the sand and toward the Beach House, inveigling ear scratches from them both.

When the three of them stepped inside, they found Lapis hanging upside-down off the edge of her window seat and looking at a rightside-up manga, her silly way of reading them left-to-right. Peridot was doing some kind of maintenance on the fire suppression system and waved at them from where she was seated up in the rafters. Jasper and Bismuth, meanwhile, were leaning against the kitchen counter talking, though they paused a second to acknowledge the three entering.

"-our elbows shattered the stone we were using. You made a table specifically so the Apostate and I could finish the match," said Jasper.

Bismuth ran a large hand through her rainbow dreads. "Really? Why don't I remember that? It happened way sooner for me than for you." She shook her head. "What'd I make it out of?"

Jasper drummed her fingers on the countertop, thinking. Above them, Peridot hazarded, "Tungsten?"

Jasper shook her head, still thinking.

Lapis 'lowered' her manga. "Raisupēpā?" she said in flawless, if snarky, Japanese.

Bismuth rolled her eyes. "Anata wa raisupēpā de tsukura rete imasu," she said in response, earning a raspberry from the blue gem.

Steven was helping Wolf out of his costume and didn’t seem to notice anything unusual. Connie however, fidgeting with her power sink, aware that this must have been the prompt Garnet had foretold, felt compelled to answer. "Um, was it titanium?" she said in a hesitant voice, uneasy at being a domino in a seer’s plan.

Jasper's eyes lit up with recognition and she gave Connie a nod. Bismuth stared into the middle distance then slapped the countertop hard. "Oh yeah! I-"

From above, Peridot very pointedly cleared her throat.

Bismuth glanced up, then back down at the counter. Looking bemused, she patted the punished bit of kitchen divider. "Sorry Green. But yeah, I remember that now. That table was a beaut. You didn't win that match? I thought you won that match."

Jasper shook her head, a faint scowl forming. "It went on for two weeks. Then Homeworld tried to restart the Prime Kindergarten." She shrugged, saying simply, "War."

There was a beat of silence. Then Jasper turned toward the warp pad. "But there's no war now."

Bismuth whistled. "You looking for a rematch, Jaz?"

Jasper answered by walked toward the pad, her fists clenching and unclenching. Lapis kicked off the window sill, doing a backwards tumble off the window seat and landing on her feet. "Yatta!" She tossed the manga over her shoulder and jogged for the warp pad, only a few paces behind Bismuth.

"What?! You're going to challenge the perma-fusion to a contest of strength?!" squawked Peridot, awkwardly stumbling down from the rafters. "What if she takes exception?"

Jasper answered with a stony silence.

"Every time you provoke Garnet she breaks my tech in reprisals!" Peridot half-whined, half-cried. She muttered something unflattering about Quartzes and slunk over to the warp pad.

"Come on, Alloy! Meatball! You don’t want to miss the show," called Bismuth.

Helpless before the sequence of events they'd unleashed, the two squeezed onto the warp pad. “Are you coming, Wolf?” asked Steven.

Wolf glanced at the over-crowded warp pad then silently padded over to the kitchen. The sound of a kibble being crunched was answer enough.

The group warped out.

* * *

They hurtled through the column of light and arrived in the aromatic grounds of Rose’s fountain.

"Nice day," said Garnet directly behind the group.

Peridot let out a small scream and swiveled around, her primary limb enhancer in the process of shifting into blaster mode.

The fusion stood nearby and, gleaming with that more-silver-than-silver luster, was a titanium table. For tall gems like Jasper or Garnet, it was the perfect arm wrestling height. "Hello Bismuth. Good to see you again."

Bismuth laughed. "Wow, the power couple herself! It's good to be seen. Nice table you've got there."

Garnet allowed herself a tiny smirk. "Good craftsmanship. Built to last."

As Bismuth chuckled, Garnet made a gesture of invitation to Jasper. The warrior strode forward, her expression stoic but her body language radiating eagerness. 

"There's no war to get you out of this now." Jasper placed her right elbow on the table.

"There isn't," agreed Garnet in a calm tone. Her own right elbow came down and the two gripped hands. A few seconds passed and forces that could shatter boulders clashed. Elbow-to-elbow, a silent competition raged.

Lapis offered sticks of Pocky to the group, having manifested a box from _somewhere_. Connie shook her head, still feeling a little queasy as she wondered just what she'd been complicit in setting in motion. Steven, however, accepted one with a chipper, "Thanks!" and munched contentedly.

Peridot huffed, watched for a little, huffed again, then snatched a Pocky stick and chewed on it disconsolately. After she swallowed, she turned to Connie and Steven. "You two should be aware that you are likely to have to return to the Beach House before this is resolved. A contest between a perfectly-formed Jasper and a part-Ruby fusion is liable to last-"

There was a loud thud and then a grunt of surprise from Jasper. Everyone swiveled around to find Garnet standing clear of the table, arms up in an open gesture.

"Wait? Garnet pulled her arm back?" exclaimed Connie, thrown. "What does that mean?"

Jasper, arm still resting on the table, answered. "It means the Apostate forfeits. Why?"

"The war is over. Things are changing. The old arguments mean less than they used to." She held out her right hand to Jasper, offering to shake. She shot a quick wink in Connie and Steven's direction.

Jasper stared at the outstretched hand long and hard. "You're cheating."

"You won," said Garnet easily. "You can have the table."

The warrior stared warily between arm and fusion for a few seconds later. Then she went to raise her right hand up and stumbled slightly, the table jerking with the motion.

Garnet was smiling openly. "In fact, I insist."

Jasper heaved and the large table lifted off the ground entirely, still affixed to Jasper's palm and forearm. A growl rose in the back of her throat.

Bismuth's booming laugh rang out and the smith had to brace her hands on her knees. The thick brambles growing near the warp pad stirred slightly at the sound, their leaves rustling.

Jasper continued to tug on the table. At one point her other hand got stuck briefly before she pulled it away with an enormous jerk and a roar. The table and the adhesive held fast to her arm, though, table and glue both too tough for her to simply tear them apart.

Green light danced over the area and data streamed across Peridot's glasses. Then she faced Garnet. "I don't know which is more surprising: that you felt the need to use an adhesive normally reserved for securing the hull plating on warships, or that you had access to that substance at all?"

Garnet met Peridot's question with satisfied silence. Bismuth laughed harder (somehow) and even Lapis joined in. "Not bad, Twofer. Still not happy about nearly cracking apart at the fountain, but I can appreciate using Jasper's misfortune to prove a point."

"You can thank Malachite for both ideas," said Garnet before walking past and offering a hand to Bismuth.

The smith mastered her mirth enough to meet the fusion's grip. Wiping her eyes with her free hand, she said, "Nicely done."

In the background, Jasper continued to struggle against the table, her left hand braced against a corner and slowly causing the titanium surface to buckle. Her right arm remained stuck despite this.

The fusion nodded. "You should visit sometime."

Bismuth smiled back. "You know, I just might. I’ve been taking in the sights lately, and I've certainly got the time these days. I guess that whole Schism thing isn't load-bearing like it used to be, is it?"

Garnet tilted her head in faint agreement. Then she stepped past the group and walked leisurely down the path toward the distant fountain. Her departure was underscored by the sound of Jasper's tug-of-war and a cheery "Goodbye!" from Steven.

Once the fusion was out of sight, some of the rage seemed to ebb out of Jasper. She set the table down and then, in a flash of light, shapeshifted her arm down to teeny-tiny proportions. On the large warrior, it looked like she had one thick, Quartz arm and one cartoonish t-rex arm. The tiny limb remained stuck, but the area touching the adhesive had been reduced to maybe the area of a nickel. With a tug and a faint puff or orange smoke the arm came free. When it shapeshifted back to normal size, the middle and ring finger on that hand were each missing their final digit.

Steven made a choking sound. Connie was more accustomed to Jasper's superhuman resilience but even she stammered out an, "Are you okay, Jasper?"

Jasper gave a curt nod and muscled her way onto the warp pad, which everyone cleared off of. She vanished in a flash of light.

A beat later, Peridot said to the teens, "She should regenerate the missing phalanges fairly swiftly. Rapid recovery is a Quartz hallmark, after all." Turning to the table, she said, "Everyone stand clear of the contest furniture, though. Given time I can synthesize a solvent that will-"

Bismuth shifted her hand into a massive scoop and dug a deep furrow in the dark soil. She flung several loads onto the table, then walked over and shook the table out, a layer of loam clinging to the sticky areas.

Conspicuously, the area where Jasper and Garnet had rested their elbows was clear.

"Boom! Problem solved," boasted Bismuth. "Anyway, I think I might take a little walk. I'll catch up with you gals later. Oh, you too, Meatball." Hands back to normal, the smith wiped them on her apron and walked unhurriedly away while humming a little tune. A bramble tried to grab her ankle and she cut it with a swift slash of a sword-arm, chuckling as the detached vine thrashed briefly and went still.

Peridot eyed the table and shook her head. "I suppose that works too, though I had hoped to salvage the epoxy. Regardless, it is best we depart; being in the perma-fusion’s domain unnerves me. Lapis, please return Connie and Steven to the Beach House while I convey this back in a separate trip. There's no call for wasting good, if soiled, titanium."

"Hai okusama!" said Lapis, once more slipping into snark-laced Japanese. As the three of them stepped onto the pad, Lapis said (in English, fortunately), "What'd you two get up to today?"

"Oh, uh, we..." started Steven.

"We took a walk," finished Connie. "And had a nice conversation."

The light of the warp pad engulfed them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a neat detail that's practically an Easter egg in the Ep24 promo. We wanted to wait until after the Lapis chapter before mentioning it to give people a chance to pick it up for themselves. Anyway, if you look at the promo, you'll see that Lapis has different hair and a different outfit than she normally does. She's also crying, which she isn't in the scene in question. Here's the promo again so you can check it out, and beside that is a bonus pic from Ep23 showing Lapis and Bismuth shortly after they became friends (i.e. not long after Lapis learned she couldn't shatter Bismuth with rage and hydrokinesis alone):  
>   
> The reason for the hair, outfit, and crying is because what you're seeing is Lapis from the _flashback_ , during the Rebellion when Citrine found her hiding away. That's her Rebellion-era hairstyle, her Rebellion-era outfit, and those were tears from what was one of, if not _the_ most traumatic moment of Lapis' life on Earth. As for why she's bathed in yellow light, well...
> 
> Anyway, I just wanted to point that out and add that MJ is a master of attention to detail in these pics.
> 
> New omake to point out:  
> *) [Deleted Scenes - Episode 24: Gems-ology, The Collection](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/35581845) by [br42](http://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42) \- "One scene that we joked about in the Team chat but never seriously considered including in the episode."
> 
> * * *
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


	7. Amethyst

_In the back of the freezer? No. Behind the utensil drawer? Not there either. Hmm, she did tape some to the underside of the toilet tank lid one time._

Connie combed through the Beach House while carrying a bag of assorted food. Lapis was in a snacking mood and so sat on a bar stool, eating her way through a bag of chips. The decimated box of cookies and a stack of apple cores indicated it was a serious mood.

That's why Connie was holding onto her bag of snacks as she searched.

Lapis wiped some crumbs from her face. "Whatcha looking for, Con-con?"

On the floor below, Wally the ersatz robonoid was tidying up, though a bit less fervently after the latest round of tweaks Peridot had made. If Wolf weren't on patrol with Jasper, he'd probably be competing with the robonoid for keeping the floor crumb-free.

Connie lifted up a couch cushion and peered underneath, then turned to the blue gem. "Steven and I are going to have a picnic lunch and I was hoping to bring some sour candies, but I can't find any of Peridot's anywhere."

The certified Kindergartner was fond of sour food, sour candies in particular, and for years had been hiding them in creative locations in the Beach House so that Lapis and Connie didn't eat them first. Naturally that meant Connie and Lapis had made a sport of finding the treats, offering to share that information as a form of barter between girl and blue guardian.

Lapis smirked. "You two and your picnics. Like a walking Rockwell painting." Shaking her head, she said in a mock-dramatic tone, "Where did we go right?"

"Har-dee-har har," said Connie in a flat voice. "Unlike some people, Steven and I can't fly across the planet on a whim. Besides," she said a touch defensively, "there's nothing wrong with picnics."

Lapis' smirk deepened but she didn't continue to nettle. "It's cute is all. Where are you and Pinkie headed? South Korea? Aqua-Mexico? Mask Island? You can warp places now so distance is just a suggestion."

Connie, still feeling a little sensitive, said, "Just the edge of town, though we're using the warp to get there faster." She paused. "Wait, what's Mask Island?"

"Oh, just an island paradise designed for high-caste visitors by Homeworld," said Lapis with feigned nonchalance. "Waterfalls. Building-sized geodes sparkling in the tropical sun. Romantic and remote." She gave Connie a wink.

The girl crossed her arms. Lapis fluttered her eyelashes. Connie glared. Lapis daintily dabbed her mouth with a napkin. Connie broke first, the corner of her lips curling up into a smile against her will. Lapis grinned victoriously and ate some celebratory chips.

Shaking her head, Connie scrounged as much pique as she could and said, "You know where some sour candies are or not?"

Lapis scarfed down a handful of chips but tapped the side of her nose while she ate. Swallowing and wiping her hands on her cut-off jean shorts, she looked around conspiratorily, motioning for Connie to come over.

Making a point of putting her bag of snacks in her pack first --Lapis could get pretty unscrupulous when there was junk food on the line-- Connie approached.

Lapis closed her eyes and then became an indistinct blob of light. Her form shrank and shrank until it was about the size of a cantaloupe. Then the form resolved, gaining definition and becoming...

Connie blinked. Standing on the bar stool was what looked like a bunny crossed with a penguin. It had feathers, sort of, and a pair of wings, but the eyes were on the sides of the head instead of front-facing and it had more of a bill than a beak. Whatever it was, it was definitely blue. The morning light sparkled off of Lapis' gemstone in the back and the shapeshifted gem gave what Connie assumed was a wink.

Connie stared dumbly at... whatever Lapis was.

Lapis waddled slightly to better face the girl. "There's a pack of sour gummy worms hidden up in the rafters. Remember when Dot was up there working on the sprinkler system? She was totally hiding some goodies while she did it." Another wink... probably.

Connie glanced up at the rafters then back at the- at Lapis. "Oh, thanks, Lapis. But, um, why did you need to shapeshift to tell me that?"

The blue gem delivered as much of a smirk you could with a bill. "Plausible deniability," she explained. "Now if Peri asks how you found them, you can tell her a little bird told you."

"Oh, that's what you're supposed to be," replied Connie, the words racing out of her mouth without stopping for inspection from her brain first.

Lapis puffed up slightly, hackles (or equivalent) raised. "Hey, shapeshifting is tricky, especially when it's not person-shaped." Lapis turned her head side to side in an effort to glare at Connie despite the form's monocular vision.

Seeing a pudgy, blue something giving her a look of consternation over the top of its bill was too much for Connie and she found herself giggling. This prompted Lapis to hop about angrily on her bar stool, which only made the giggling worse.

Before Lapis could offer a rejoinder, the warp pad chimed and Jasper and Wolf stepped off. The large hound started to lope over to Connie but caught sight of the crumbs and made a beeline for that instead, Wolf and Wally working in tandem beneath the bar stool.

Jasper strode into the middle of the living room, a single eyebrow raising high as she caught sight of Lapis. Addressing Connie but jabbing a thumb in Lapis' direction, she asked, _"Baleful Polymorph?"_

It took Connie a split second to process that Jasper was referencing a _Lutes and Loot_ spell, but as soon as she did she snorted, nodding her head while her giggles upgraded to full laughter.

More angry hopping. "Laugh it up, Star and Stripes, but at least my forms can fly." The belligerent blue budgie flew (poorly) off the bar stool and made an irate circuit around Jasper's head before returning to its roost.

Lapis had once told Connie that Jasper was unable to fly via shapeshifting, the gem seemingly incapable of forming flight-capable wings. That had helped explain the Quartz' unadulterated glee at bouncing on a Funland bouncy castle, an experience that predated their lifetime ban from the park by about five minutes.

Jasper crossed her arms and glared at the bluebird of snarkiness. "I make a very scary cassowary," she grumped.

Wolf raised his head from the corn chip cornucopia and looked at the door, ears pointing forward. A beat later, Steven jogged into view carrying a picnic basket. Letting himself in and panting, he said, "Sorry for being a little late, Connie. I was helping mom in the garden and then-" He dropped the picnic basket and brought his hands to his cheeks in a squee. _"Oh my gosh!"_ he exclaimed, approaching Lapis reverently.

The blue gem preened both figuratively and literally.

"I didn't know Lapis could look like Perry the Platypus! Oh man, if we hurry over to the fry shop, I bet Ronaldo would let us borrow one of his fedoras!"

With a final, disgruntled look over the rim of her bill, Lapis became an expanding blob of blue light. When she finished returning to her normal form, she was on her stomach, draped over the bar stool and moping. "Ugh!" She reached down to the floor and picked up a half-eaten corn chip. "Bismuth needs to get back from gabbing with Garnet so things aren't so lame around here," she grumbled before popping the chip in her mouth and chewing disconsolately.

While Steven went about attempting to talk Lapis through her funk, Connie turned to Jasper. "Would you mind boosting me up to the rafters?"

Seeing absolutely nothing questionable about that request, Jasper gave a curt nod, large hands lifting the girl overhead. A little shimmying around and Connie spotted the bag, taped in place to the top of the rafter. Cunningly-hidden indeed: Connie would have to up her game to keep pace.

With Jasper's help getting down, Connie consolidated their food into Steven's basket, then shouldered her pack and strapped a saber to her hip. "Ready Steven?"

"-miss her but this means you'll have that much more to talk about." Steven turned. "Oh, okay." Looking back at the morose Lapis, he finished with, "If you want, you can hang out with me and Connie later today."

Lapis gave a begrudging quarter smile. "Thanks Pinkie. Now skedaddle, you're ruining a perfectly good mope."

Wolf raised his head up from scouring the floor and gave Lapis a big lick on the cheek.

"Ugh, not you too," she said, mopping her face. "Save me from friendly optimists."

Steven gathered his things and joined Connie, the two heading for the warp pad. Jasper gave them a minute nod before turning for the temple door. With a final wave goodbye from Steven, Connie's gemstone lit up and the pair vanished in a beam of light.

* * *

“These are really good strawberries!” remarked Connie.

The two of them had scoped out a nice little clearing and laid down their picnic blanket before unpacking their shared haul of goodies. They’d made sure to avoid the area where Onion’s gaggle of summertime friends roamed, _and_ the site of the mole monster fight, _and_ the area where they’d been attacked mid-picnic by crystal bats, _and_ the spot where they used to go leave snacks for Wolf before he was adopted into the family, _and_ the place where they’d caught Lapis and Peridot fused as Hiddenite.

Despite both of them really enjoying picnicking outside town, Connie feared at this rate they’d run out of quiet clearings before the end of the summer.

“Thanks! I helped mom pick them this morning. They’re in season and super yummy,” enthused her friend between drags of his juice box. “When they’re a little bit sour I like to take a small bite off the end, then dip it in a little sugar and it’s sooo good. But these are so sweet, you don’t need the sugar at all!”

Connie stared at Steven with half-lidded eyes, a small smile on her face. When things were calm and he was animated like this, she found it pleasant just to watch him being Steven.

Steven paused and looked around, forcing Connie out of her content observation. “Something wrong, Steven?”

“I thought I heard something,” he said, still sweeping the area with his gaze.

Connie reached up and fiddled with her hearing aids, a pang of frustration curling the corners of her mouth into a frown. She usually tried to be mature about it, but when others were clearly hearing something she couldn’t it was hard not to feel resentful.

A few more seconds passed and nothing happened. Slowly, the two relaxed. Steven poured them each some lemonade --the lemons being another product from his mother’s garden-- and began to talk about how his on-again-off-again comic with Jeff was on again.

Connie heard it that time, a rustling sound and…

“Was that laughter?” asked Steven, voicing her thought aloud.

There was a sudden crash in the underbrush nearby. Connie sprung to her feet, sabre flying to her hand. The Citrine shield resting in arm’s reach, Steven grabbed it and stood beside her, hurriedly slipping the buckler onto his arm.

“Je suis un big, scary monster!” A big, purple ape-like creature with large hands and larger feet came crashing through the foliage, arms upraised. “Nourris-moi or I’ll eat you instead!” it bellowed in a voice not nearly as deep or menacing as it should have had.

As if the coloration or French-English mix wasn’t giveaway enough, the cryptid had a purple gem set in its chest. It chuckled and flopped down on the picnic blanket. 

“‘Sup dudes?” it asked before stuffing a handful of trail mix in its mouth.

Steven laughed and sat back down, unbuckling the buckler. “Hi Amethyst. Nice scare; Connie and I really thought you were a gem monster for a moment.”

Another big, purple chuckle. "Hehe, yeah. I've gotta get in my camper-scares while I can because Pearl's making beaucoup progress on that spaceship." There was a flash of light and then the 'monster' resolved into a familiar short, purple gem. "I'm excited, you know, but also kind of anxious. I mean, I've never met another Amethyst before who wasn't-" and with a casual display of shapeshifting, Amethyst's head became that of a corrupted Quartz. She shifted back and then the rest of the trail mix, as well as the bag, disappeared with a slurp.

Connie sat quietly nearby and tried to untangle her feelings. On the one hand, it was great seeing Amethyst again. She really wanted to try and spend more time with her and Pearl before they left Earth. On the other hand, she’d been having a nice, relaxing time with Steven and it sometimes felt like the two of them couldn’t go anywhere without something crashing their get-togethers. Plus, she’d really wanted to try some of that trail mix: it was wasabi-flavored.

Fortunately, Steven was there to run conversational scrimmage for her while she mourned her snack. "I felt kind of similar whenever I was about to go to a new school." Her friend nodded sagely and passed Amethyst a morsel, the food disappearing too fast for Connie to spot what it had been. "But once I actually got there, it worked out great and I made a bunch of new friends! Change can be scary, but it can also be good!"

"How are you and Pearl doing?" asked Connie, finally joining in.

Amethyst shrugged. "Bon." She shook her head. "I mean, good. Pearl works on that ship all the dang time. She's kind of awesome. I wonder if Homeworld has a bunch of Pearls running things while everyone else goofs off. Because I'm just doing what she says most of the time. She tells me stories about Homeworld some and it sounds super cool." Amethyst's expression got a little awed, her one visible eye going a bit misty. "She even sings sometimes. Pearl's got some serious pipes on her, let me tell you."

Connie's earlier feelings of annoyance suddenly blazed to bonfire proportions and she found herself on the verge of saying... something. She didn't have an idea of what, but given the emotion behind it, it wouldn’t have been kind. Drinking her lemonade slowly to buy herself time to think, Connie took a personal inventory, trying to find what the heck had set her off.

She stared into the bottom of her cup, rocked by a minor epiphany. She was _jealous_. Because for a long time, Pearl had shared her stories and (veiled behind allegory) her feelings with Connie. The two of them had had something special but now... Well, _she'd_ never heard Pearl sing.

Feeling a faint sense of embarrassment-tinged shame, Connie quietly resolved to be a better, more charitable friend to Amethyst.

"Oh man, what are these?!" With shapeshifted incisors like an oversized gopher, Amethyst bit the bag of sour gummy worms in half and munched contentedly.

Connie's hand found Steven's and gave it a hard squeeze, her friend giving her a curious look. _I’m going to be more charitable starting riiight Amethyst-is-a-big-purple-pain-in-the-butt-sometimes-and-I-wish-she-had-an-iota-of-impulse-control now._

* * *

They ate and chatted for a while but Connie found it difficult to find something that was neither food or Pearl-related to talk with Amethyst about. The only other thing they had in common was the Quartz Pack, which was an obvious no-go topic of conversation. It wasn't until Connie was talking about the 'little bird' that told her about the gummy worms that she found her subject.

There was a flash of light and then a purple bird flitted about, alighting on her and Steven's shoulders and singing a jaunty song in French. Some of the words were unfamiliar to Connie and, when Amethyst explained she'd learned it from eavesdropping on lumberjacks, she suspected those were words she'd want to lookup on the sly instead of asking one of the gems.

The contrast between bird-Amethyst and bird-Lapis was stark: the former looking like a chickadee, the latter having looked like a cartoon platypus.

"Hey, Amethyst?"

The bird pecked at some crumbs before looking up, a single, intelligent eye gazing at him, the other covered by an unruly tuft of feathers. "Yeah Steven?"

"Are some gems better at shapeshifting than others?" He jolted in excitement. "Are Amethysts supposed to be, like, gem ninjas, able to change shape and sneak into places with no one noticing?" He paused. "Well, sneak into purple places, I guess."

A fly was buzzing around. Birdmethyst flapped it away, once, twice, then snatched the pest out of the air with a frog-like tongue. She spat the baffled fly a considerable distance. "That sounds cool but naw, Steven. Shapeshifting is just something gems do. Tell him, Citrine," and she went back to pecking at the picnic blanket.

Connie and Steven shared a glance, then Connie, ignoring the gem's name choice, said, "Actually, Amethyst, I'm not able to shapeshift."

Birdmethyst stared at Connie for a second. Then there was a blur and a purple Connie sat opposite the pair. "Of course you can, Citrine. You've got a gemstone, after all."

 _Wow, purple is not a flattering color for me,_ observed a not-terribly helpful corner of Connie. Though she had to agree that it wasn't a great look.

What she said out loud was, "Yeah, but I'm only half-gem. I wasn't made for shapeshifting so the very concept is preposterous." Her mental image of Peridot nodded in satisfaction as Connie perfectly recited the answer she'd been taught years back.

Purple-Connie poked the yellow gemstone. "Nope, it's all there. One whole gemstone. You probably just haven't tried it right."

Steven looked from Connie to 'Connie' then shook his head. "You did turn into a little girl that one time, so I don't think you need to be made out of gem-stuff to do it. Plus there's-" he paused and coughed into his fist, cheeks flushing a little. "Um, other things that change your shape."

Connie wanted to argue, it was obvious after all, but when she considered Steven's counter-examples... Why was it obvious again? Her inner Peridot tried to object but seemed as confused as she was.

Addressing her purple double, Connie asked, "Could you show me how to do it right?"

Purple-Connie draped an arm over Connie’s shoulder, proving, as she so often did, that she had zero sense of personal space. “Sure thing, Citrine. What do you want to try first? Owl? Rabbit? Lizard? Cat?”

Steven squeed.

The purple double she’d been leaning against suddenly dropped, forcing Connie to scramble so she didn’t topple over. An indistinct blob with an amethyst gemstone shrank down until it resolved into a long-haired feline with a single, visible eye twinkling with mirth.

Steven’s squee of delight redoubled.

“Looks like we’re doing a cat,” said Catmethyst with a feline grin. She craned her head up to face Connie. “Since I’m teaching you, you should do exactly what I say.”

Connie nodded. “I understand.”

“Good.” Catmethyst rolled onto her back, presenting her fluffy, lavender tummy. “First thing you need to do is rub my belly.”

Connie shrugged and started stroking the soft belly fur. Catmethyst wiggled into a good spot, eyes closing in satisfaction. A few minutes passed and Amethyst laid there in feline bliss. Steven couldn’t suppress the look of unadulterated joy he had at watching fluffy, cat-Amethyst. Eventually Connie said, “Um, Amethyst? Why am I doing this exactly?”

Catmethyst cracked open a single eye. “Because it feels awesome. Five more minutes and then we’ll get to you.”

* * *

Steven had finally managed to reign in his noises of cute-inspired glee, but was wearing an eager smile as he stood a little ways distant. On the picnic blanket, Connie was standing on her hands and knees and looking a little bemused. Catmethyst, meanwhile, was pacing back and forth like a lecturing professor or a drill sergeant. 

The swishing, fluffy tail, however, somewhat diminished the effect.

“Changing your shape is all about seeing the new shape in your thoughts and then sort of pushing your body into being it.”

Connie found this advice to be less than clear but kept her thoughts to herself.

“Your body is just a thing you have and it can be other stuff. So tell it what to be, but with your mind, and it’ll be that.” Catmethyst rounded on Connie. “You’re going to be a cat. So think of what a cat looks like. What it feels like. Smells like. All over, too, not just from the front.”

Connie had never had a pet cat, or a pet _anything_ until Wolf came along. But she’d seen plenty of strays around the boardwalk, and she’d spent many hours over the months playing with Steven’s pet cat, Lion. Plus, there’d been the untold numbers of TubeTube videos watched, a site which seemed to be at least forty percent cat videos.

Fluffy ears. Cold nose. Swishing tail. Rough tongue. She envisioned all of this, even going so far as to imagine a kind of 3D model of the archetypal cat and rotate it around in her mind’s eye. She stood there, eyes closed, feeling the weight of her body on her hands and knees. Reaching for that indefinable place that seemed to help trigger the warp pad and open the temple door, she fixated on the cat and…

She opened her eyes and looked around. The world wasn’t any larger and a quick survey of her limbs showed she was still human and Connie-like. “Anything happen?” she asked Steven but he shook his head.

Catmethyst sat down, licking a paw to groom herself while she thought. Or just because she felt like grooming herself. Even when she wasn’t a feline, Amethyst was a creature of impulse. That done, she padded over and swatted Connie on the nose.

Connie brushed her nose with one hand, giving the purple cat a scolding looking. “Hey.”

Catmethyst brushed the ire aside with a disdainful tail swish. “That was all head, Citrine.”

“Yeah, I was visualizing the cat, like you told me to,” replied Connie, a faint edge creeping into her voice.

“That’s only a little part of it. You’re not just thinking about cats. You’re trying to _be_ a cat. You’re trying to push your body into _becoming_ a cat. You’ve got to reach deep and pull to make it happen. Show that form of yours who’s boss. The picture in your head is just so it knows what to do after you get it moving.” She sat on her haunches and peered at Connie. “Try again.”

Trying not to think about how silly she must look in front of Steven right now, she closed her eyes and called up the picture of the cat. Short fur because it was way too hot to go longhaired like Amethyst. Those cute little curled ears from some breed she couldn’t remember the name of.

“Now reach deep. You’ve thrown up before, right?” asked Catmethyst. She chuckled. “It’s good fun. That feeling, inside the bottom of your stomach, at the middle of your form, think of that. Only you’re not telling your body to push food out, you’re telling it to push itself out. To shake off that old shape and move into something else. Give it a good shove, like you’re going to hurl, and that should get it going.”

The tickle of embarrassment that Connie was feeling actually made it easy to imagine that pit of her stomach and how it’d feel if it was uneasy. She hadn’t been sick often, but there had been a couple… messy episodes while Jasper was still learning the fundamentals of cooking and she was able to seize on that. Feeling her insides clench, Connie envisioned that brown cat with the cute ears and a long tail. Paws. Claws. Whiskers. She even cast back to biology lectures she’d received, about how cat eyes had a reflective layer to help their night vision. General skull shape. The sharp teeth of an obligate carnivore. The limber spine and long, interconnected bones that made the tail.

All of this she poured into her attempt, holding all the details suspended in her mind while she flexed her midsection and _willed_ her body to be-

She heard a gasp. Actually, she heard a _lot_. Birds flitting about, ants scuttling across the ground nearby. Steven’s breathing. Somewhere in the bushes something small caused the leaves to rustle _and that was so interesting!_ Connie opened her eyes and began to stalk forward when a noise like an air raid siren caused her to freeze and then leap aside, hackles rising so she’d appear larger to the threat.

Her ears swiveled and she pinpointed the source: a giant with hair that looked like it would be very fun to swat at was making a high-pitched squeal. She blinked momentarily as it clicked into place that the giant was Steven and he was squeeing with a hitherto unreached intensity.

Connie looked up at him, then over at Catmethyst --now eye-height with her-- and finally at her own hands. Paws, rather. She had paws.

 _She had paws!_ Eyes wide, she turned to face Steven and exclaimed, “Meow!”

Steven clapped his hands over his mouth, the squeal muffed but still audible, and she could see with exceptional clarity a single, cuteness-induced tear roll down his cheek.

“Meow. Mrow. Mra-mra-mrowow. Meow. MEOW! Rrah?” Connie’s cutely-folded ears went flat against the sides of her head and her claws extended out slightly.

“Meow,” she grumbled, a four-letter word that, were she at home, and human, would have gotten her high-fived by Lapis and then grounded by Peridot.

* * *

Steven had seen many strange and wonderful things in his fourteen-going-on-fifteen years, especially since moving to Beach City. But seeing his friend become a Scottish fold kitty was both the strangest and most wonderful so far.

She meowed and pranced about, meowed some more and it was like Steven’s heart was going to burst. She sat up on her haunches and waved her little paws around and his already much-used squee-muscles got the workout of their lifetime. _It was like she was conducting a little symphony!_ Oh gosh, he could see the captions already: ‘I can has orchestra?’

Then she turned and ran to cat-Amethyst, the former cute champion, now dethroned in a real-life version of KittenWar; a site that showed up _often_ in Steven’s browser history. Cat-Connie meowed at cat-Amethyst and _OH GOODNESS IT WAS TOO MUCH!_ It was like they were talking!

Steven pulled out a tissue and wiped at the corners of his eyes. Then something tickled at the back of his mind, the thought valiantly penetrating the shroud of cuteness that had wrapped around him like a woolen blanket: why wasn’t Connie talking?

The purple longhair backed away a few steps. “Hey, Citrine, it’s neat that you’re in character or whatever, but maybe drop the act for a second.”

Cat-Connie swished her tail agitatedly, meowed --still cute but the feeling wasn’t as pure now-- then padded over to the edge of the picnic blanket. Batting leaves and such aside with _her cute, little paws_ \--Steven took a deep breath and tried to focus-- she began slowly spelling out letters.

C-A-N-T T-O-K

 _Huh, I guess cats really are bad at spelling,_ he thought.

Cat-Amethyst studied the letters then looked back at cat-Connie. “Can’t talk?” There was a blur of light and then a full-sized, normal, not-cat Amethyst was sitting there. “Why not?”

Cat-Connie had sat down and was swishing her tail restlessly. After being asked, she meowed and turned back to the letters in the dirt, only to find her tail had erased the first three letters. Her fuzzy, little facepalm left Steven _desperately_ wanting to snap a picture, but with a heroic effort (and a few high-pitched noises of delight) Steven curbed the impulse.

Amethyst picked up cat-Connie, an action which caused the brown kitty to flail in surprise, tiny claws raking at the gem’s arm. She chuckled. “Yeah, yeah, Citrine. I wrestle with my sisters almost every day. Those little claws aren’t going to-”

Amethyst went quiet. She and cat-Connie both seemed to deflate, the latter going limp like a noodle in the gem’s hand. Amethyst wiped at the eye hidden behind her hair and sniffed. Cat-Connie gave her a lick on the hand that was equal parts sympathy and apology. The gem shook her head. “Yeah, yeah. Come here, you. Let’s take a look.”

She held the cat up to her ear, listening to the animal’s side. Steven gave a little wave and a bemused cat-Connie gave him a tiny wave back. “Open up,” said Amethyst and she rotated cat-Connie so she was staring into the feline’s open mouth. With a ‘hmm’ she swiveled the cat around to the other end and lifted up the tail.

At this point Steven flinched away, suddenly deeply interested in _absolutely anything else_ to look at.

A moment and the sound of purring later and Steven turned back. Amethyst had enlarged the hand supporting cat-Connie so that his friend had room to splay out, and the gem was using her spare hand to rub the kitten’s tummy. Cat-Connie’s eyes were closed in a state of feline bliss.

Steven stepped closer, ostensibly to ask Amethyst what she’d figured out, but really because an exposed kitty tummy exerted a gravitational pull on him. Fighting off the mesmerizing powers of cute, Steven asked in a low voice, “What’s going on with her?”

“She went full cat.” She shook her head. “Citrine, you never go full cat.” Connie, if she heard, didn’t seem to care.

“What do you mean, ‘full cat?’” prompted Steven, brows furrowing slightly.

“When I shapeshift into something, I only look like that thing. I’m a master at this stuff, I get the look _down_ , but I can still talk and stuff. Citrine, she doesn’t look like a cat, she _is_ a cat.” Amethyst shapeshifted a third arm so she had a hand free to scratch the side of her head. “I guess I’m a better teacher than I thought.”

Steven licked his lips and had to resist the invitation of that kitty tummy, his hand halting a few inches away. “What-” _Must push past cuteness. For Connie._ “-What do we do? How do we help her?”

Amethyst blinked. Or maybe she winked; it was hard to tell when he could only see one eye. “Do? We have fun. That form will get uncomfortable for her after a while. It took me hundreds of seasons before I could hold a form most of a day. Citrine will probably get worn out in an hour.”

Steven’s hand inched closer, his fingers tensing in anticipation. “So it’s… okay?”

Amethyst shrugged, a complex affair with three arms. “Sure, knock yourself out.”

Steven started scratching cat-Connie’s tummy and he felt his chest and shoulders relax. Some people had cuteness aggression, Steven had an aggressive need for cuteness. Cat-Connie’s purring redoubled in intensity, cute little eyes closed, and it was everything Steven had never realized he wanted.

* * *

Cat-Connie and Catmethyst tussled. The former reached around the latter’s shoulders and then brought the purple feline into a forward roll, cat-Connie using her hind paws to launch her opponent in a broad arc. The yellow-gem’d cat flipped over and pounced on the disoriented longhair, the grapple going back and forth until Catmethyst grew two sizes larger and simply belly flopped on top of her opponent while chuckling.

* * *

_Dot! Come back here, I will vanquish you, tiny foe, and present you as a trophy to my- Where’d you go? Oh! You thought you could hide. Not today! Not against a hunter of my caliber!_

Cat-Connie crouched, haunches rising up and wiggling slightly before pouncing on the leafy hiding place of her target. The dot zigged then zagged, cat-Connie peeling after it with mad abandon, leaves being kicked up in the air as she pelted after it.

In a move that was essentially kitty parkour, cat-Connie sprinted up the trunk of a tree, leapt off, landed on the slippery-but-oh-so-enticing foe, then army crawled forward, pawing at it with every step forward.

Suddenly the dot raced ahead and cat-Connie could do naught but pursue. _You thought you could hide up the strange tree, but you were wrong!_ She ascended quickly after it.

“Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-oh!-ow-ow,” said Steven, his face contorting into assorted grimaces as Connie scaled his pant leg and then shirt. Amethyst, holding the laser pointer she’d borrowed from Steven, was cackling madly.

When the dot tried to escape into the tangle-curl jungle, cat-Connie sprung from Steven’s shoulder and landed atop his head, rooting around in the thick foliage. It was only after the red prey vanished suddenly that she noticed Amethyst’s chortling and took stock of where she actually was.

Moving slowly and taking care to keep her claws retracted, cat-Connie climbed to the crown of Steven’s head. Her friend tilted his head up, perhaps to try and see what was happening up top. Resting her paws on his forehead, cat-Connie stretched her neck out and gave her friend a light lick on the nose, a small apology for scaling him earlier.

The squeal of amazed delight from Steven was the stuff of legend.

* * *

Connie had experienced many strange, wonderful, and terrible things in her thirteen-going-on-fourteen years, especially since Steven had moved to Beach City. But getting fawned over by her friend while she was a kitty was both the strangest and most wonderful so far.

There was just no stress being a cat. Things happened, you reacted, and afterwards you demanded tummy rubs. Everything else was for other people to worry about. She could hear, as in, _really hear_ , climb, jump around, things smelled interesting when you had a nose like this, and having the ability to summon a slashing weapon on demand scratched an itch she’d been suffering from for most of a year now.

But none of that compared to the fact that Steven had packed some tuna fish sandwiches. It turns out that when you’re a cat, tuna fish _is the best thing ever_.

Face-down in a pile of ambrosia, Connie was relaxed in a way not even her mother’s sanctuary could provide, because in the sanctuary you could still be worried on an intellectual level. Here, now, there was only tuna fish.

* * *

Cat-Connie was eating one sandwich, the top piece of bread removed for ease of access to the fish within. Amethyst, a cat once more, had almost immediately wanted in on that action. Wisely, because Steven had on occasion looked after multiple cats at the same time, he had placed the two sandwiches far, far apart.

After finishing her meal, cat-Connie washed her face and whiskers daintily and then padded over and curled up in Steven’s lap. Seeing what was coming, he leaned over and pulled the picnic basket over, closing the top so that a broad, flat surface was available for cat-Amethyst to stretch out on. This meant that Steven could pet the kitty in his lap and still stroke the cat lounging beside him without either of them needing to jockey for position.

Steven was a gifted cat-sitter.

Eventually one of his legs fell asleep and the sun was in his eyes a little, but Steven didn’t dare move. He was trapped, caught in the unbreakable pin that was a sleeping cat in his lap. He caressed cat-Connie’s fur lightly and felt a fluttery satisfaction. With no less diligence did he pet cat-Amethyst as well.

Time passed and the everyone, napping or otherwise, enjoyed what was very possibly the best picnic ever.

* * *

Catmethyst stretched. She hopped down from the picnic basket, letting this latest nap gently pass. It had been comfortable. She was gonna take that picnic basket with her. That red light-making-stick too. She liked this Steven guy well enough and Citrine was alright, but she’d done her _Voleur Violet_ routine, crashing through to scare the campers, and that meant she got to take whatever stuff of theirs she fancied. She was just being nice and letting them hold on to it for now.

She looked up at the bright thing in the sky. She knew it was called a sun, and that it was also somehow a star like the little lights she’d see at night. Like the one Pearl had pointed out to her that was _home_. She didn’t know why those things were true, they were simply things she knew, and she wasn’t the sort of gem to waste time questioning stuff like that.

The sun thingy had moved a ways across the sky and Pearl was probably wondering when Amethyst would get back. Not that she’d get angry at Amethyst. She’d get angry sometimes, some doodad would break or something that was supposed to light up didn’t, but Pearl never pointed that fierce expression at her. Instead she’d do that weird thing where’d she’d treat Amethyst like the Quartz was fragile, using a hundred words to imply that maybe it’d be better if she wasn’t gone too long and was _extra_ careful none of the Crystal Gems saw her. 

Well, none of the Crystal Gems except Citrine. Pearl gave Citrine a pass, she _always_ gave Citrine a pass, and always asked if Amethyst had seen her, and how she imagined Citrine was doing, and if she thought Citrine had gotten hurt in that fight across the city when that huge gem Pearl had called Malachite showed up, and Amethyst sometimes wondered if Pearl really wanted to take her to this Homeworld place or if she was going to change her mind and take Citrine at the last minute and-

Catmethyst shook her fluffy head. Naw. Pearl was cool. Pearl was family. And no one was going to take her family away again. Not Citrine, especially when- Citrine was still a cat?!

In an act so practiced and natural it didn’t even register as something she was doing, Amethyst shapeshifted, this time letting her form return to its default state. It felt nice. But she didn’t pause to recognize that, instead saying, “Hey. Hey, Steven. Human dude, wake up.”

Citrine’s picnic pal had dozed off, one hand draping over the fuzzball resting in his lap. He shook his head and blinked. “Wuh huh?” Humans were usually pretty funny when you woke them up, and she had hundreds of seasons-worth of pranks she’d pulled, chasing humans out of their tents so that they were gone by the time the rest of the pack showed up.

Her sisters had thought it was funny too, but they sometimes got a little rough and humans were fragile.

“Something’s not right. The sun’s moved that much,” and Amethyst pointed because humans could be dumb sometimes, “and Citrine should be way too uncomfortable holding that form to sleep.”

By this time Citrine had woken up a little and was blinking at the world. Yeah, she didn’t look like she was fighting to hold her body in that shape. Steven started petting her, probably without even realizing it. “Hey Connie. Amethyst says that you probably need to change back now. Plus, my butt and legs and toes are all super pins-and-needles asleep right now so I should probably stand up and walk around a little.” With extreme care, the human lifted Citrine up and set her gently on the picnic blanket.

It was a good picnic blanket. Amethyst would have to take that too.

While Steven did his human wake up thing, Citrine made a tiny huff and nodded her fuzzy head. Then she sat up, closed her eyes, and… sat there. Eventually she opened one eye and peered at herself. She closed it and tried to do... whatever... once more. It didn’t look like it worked.

“Meow? Mrowow. Mra-mrow-rah-row.” She paced back and forth agitated while she made her cat noises.

With casual ease, Amethyst shrank back down into cat form. She stared Citrine in the eyes and all over again found it weird that her eyes looked like actual cat eyes instead of normal ones. “Citrine, you gotta ditch that form, okay? Just do the same thing you did last time. Besides, going back to yourself is easy; it’s what your body wants to do anyway.” She shifted back and forth between Amethyst and Catmethyst a few times to illustrate.

Citrine closed her eyes again, arched her back, and looked… kind of silly, actually. Catmethyst laughed and earned a glare for her troubles. Whatever. Citrine could glare all she wanted.

A minute later Steven came back. “Oh, hey, while I was walking around I tidied up a little and I found some more tuna fish. There was just enough left over when I made sandwiches that I made half a sandwich extra and it got tucked away behind some stuff in the basket and-”

Citrine jumped into Steven’s lap and Amethyst, who had spent thousands of seasons learning to read body language --a necessity when you ran with a group as moody as some of her sisters had been-- could tell that that was a gem who was done. She had what she wanted and everything else could wait.

Amethyst frowned. This probably wasn’t good.

* * *

Cat!Connie was chasing a bird. Or a squirrel. Steven watched with a grin plastered to his face.

“Hey, Steven.”

He looked down. Cat-Amethyst was frowning at him. If captioned, her expression would say something like, ‘It’s a Cat-astrophe.’ “Yeah, Amethyst?”

“This isn’t right and I’m starting to get worried.”

Steven crouched in front of the purple feline who was, in his mind, saying, ‘I has a sad.’ “About Connie? Because, I mean, she seems okay.” The cat herself came bolting by, chasing something into the underbrush.

“Yeah, sure, but if you hold a form that isn’t yours for too long, it’s bad.” She swished her tail irritably, Steven’s mind supplying the phrase, ‘You have _cat_ to be _kitten_ me!’

Apparently he was too distracted by his own mental lolcat generator because Cat-Amethyst rolled her eyes and then shifted up, up, until she was normal Amethyst again. “Here, does this help?”

It did actually. Steven blinked and tried to put cute cat images out of his mind. “Why’s it so bad?” he asked.

“Because, hmm, okay if you hold a form, it’s like pulling on something. And over time that pull gets stronger and stronger until it’s so much work not changing back that you just have to give up.” Amethyst looked at him and he nodded, finding it much easier to follow along now that she didn’t have whiskers.

“Anyway, Citrine should be feeling that pull really badly right now but-” 

Cat-Connie raced by with manic energy. _Hmm, was there catnip growing around here?_

“-but it’s obvious she isn’t. So something’s stuck. It’s still pulling and pulling but she doesn’t feel it and eventually-” Amethyst’s hands were spreading farther and farther apart and then she clapped them together.

Cat-Connie ran in circles around his legs forcing him to stagger carefully. Zipping up his clothes, cat-Connie then draped herself across the back of his neck like a living fur coat. She purred like an idling chainsaw --one of those things you learned about being friends with Onion-- and gave him a sandpaper lick on the cheek. Steven squeed. _Apparently I has a flavor and cat-Connie likes it!_

He reached up and pet cat-Connie’s fur. “Well, I mean, if she’s going to change back anyway then I don’t see the problem. I just want to be there for Connie. It doesn’t matter to me what form she’s in, I’ll hang out with her no matter what. If the gems are doing gem stuff then she can stay with me and I’ll watch her when no one’s around. And after I’m done training with Jasper, I can come down and make sure her food bowl is full and that her cat bed is comfy. Doesn’t that sound fun?” His friend answered by rubbing her face against his cheek, the whiskers tickling in the process.

Amethyst huffed. “I don’t think you get it. Yeah, she’ll change back eventually but it’s going to be at the last possible minute and it’s going to be _bad_. Trust me. Early on I wasn’t able to hold a form too long. I’d be playing with the others and I had to look like them or some of them would get upset. I didn’t want it to stop and I’d just grit through and bear it. And then, when I finally couldn’t take it anymore, it’d all catch up and _horreur!_ ”

Despite cat-Connie nuzzling him, Steven felt the pit of his tummy sink. “That bad?”

Amethyst gave him an uncharacteristically serious look. “Worse.”

Steven nodded slowly, his mouth a thin line. “Okay. What do we do?”

Amethyst shrugged. “That’s the thing, I’m not sure. I’ve never gotten stuck like Citrine has, but I’ve never gone full cat either.” She leaned in so that her face was inches from cat-Connie’s. “Why are you still a cat? Is it... really fun or something?” Cat-Connie’s reply was to boop her on the nose with her paw.

There was something tickling at the back of Steven’s mind, and it wasn’t just Connie’s tail. It was like when he was playing an RPG and there was some clue from a previous level that he was supposed to be remembering. Unfortunately, there was no GameFAQ for destiny power misfires.

A memory drifted to the fore: Garnet stood in Connie’s mom’s sanctuary, having just finished telling them about fusion stuff. _“Also, Steven, remember that you have to rub her the wrong way.”_ It had been her wizard-clue but he’d had no idea what it’d meant at the time.

“Rub her the wrong way,” he said quietly.

“What was that?” asked Amethyst, kitty boxing with cat-Connie, the two having a nose-booping contest.

“I think I know what I need to do to help Connie change back.” He reached back and pulled his friend off his shoulders and held her in front of him. She looked at him with a cute, fuzzy face, her expression happy. Whatever his feelings of concern were for his friend, it would be the challenge of his lifetime to act on them while being bombarded by concentrated kitten cuteness.

But he would do it. For Connie.

He sat down, placing cat-Connie in his lap. He paused, on the verge of petting her, and took a deep breath. Placing his hand on her haunch, Steven ran his hand up against the grain of her fur.

Cat-Connie’s look of shocked betrayal cut deep.

“I’m sorry, Connie, but you need to change back. Amethyst says it’s going to be really bad if you don’t do it in time and I don’t want you to have shapeshifting whiplash or something.” His eyes were apologetic but the set of his mouth was determined.

He pet her again, causing a brown kitty mohawk to run from the base of her tail to the top of her fuzzy head. She yowled in protest. He leaned down and blew in her ears, which twitched in annoyance before eventually laying flat against her head. He flipped her over on her back and, instead of rubbing her soft tummy, he took her forepaws gently in his hands and sang, “Y-M-C-A!” while he made her spell out the letters.

Lion really hated it when he did that and it looked like cat-Connie did too.

The gemstone visible in cat-Connie’s chest flickered. “It’s working! Quick, Amethyst, we need to annoy her more!”

Amethyst whooped and chuckled before sprinting off into the woods. Steven wasn’t able to follow her departure because cat-Connie had decided she very much wanted to be somewhere else and was struggling to flip over and escape his lap.

Grappling with the feline-cum-best friend, Steven had to grab the bottom hem of his shirt and pull it up like a sack, cat-Connie wriggling inside. “I’m sorry- Yow!- but when this- owowow!- is all over then I promise I’ll- Yikes!- make it up to you.” His shirt helped against the claws, but his tender skin was being jabbed by a dozen little pinpricks all the same.

Something sprinted into the clearing and Steven had to do a double take to confirm it was Amethyst. It was as though someone had given an especially large, purple eel legs and then let it drink a bathtub’s-worth of water.

“Okay, One- OW! T-Two! And-” Steven didn’t reach ‘three’ before he was blasted by the world’s weirdest super soaker. He was knocked back and the damp prisoner inside his shirt rocketed out, only for the stream of water to track her with impressive accuracy. Cat-Connie yowled and ran and then, when it looked like Amethyst was nearly out of water, there was a flash of yellow and-

“Connie!” Steven scrambled to his feet and ran over to hug his sopping-wet-but-very-human friend.

Connie reared back and hissed at him, than sprinted behind a nearby tree.

There was a period of silence, save for the drip-drip-drip from Steven and Connie’s clothes and the sound of Amethyst returning to her normal form. Then there was a hesitant voice laced with chagrin.

“Steven? Did I, uh, just hiss at you?”

Steven was wringing out some of his hair, uncertain if he should comfort his friend or stay away. “Yeah. A little.”

Another beat of silence. “I’m really sorry about that.” She peered around the trunk, miserable as, well, a wet cat.

Steven approached slowly. Amethyst was doing something behind him but he wasn’t paying attention at the moment. Hands up in a conciliatory gesture, he said to Connie, “It’s fine. I could understand why you would have a bad _cat-itude_ after all of that.”

His friend stepped out from behind the tree entirely, damp but dripping dry. She fiddled with the hearing aids that had reappeared in her ears and shook her head, unable to keep a half-smile off her face. “Yeah, I’m certainly not _feline_ my best right now.”

Steven groaned. “At least you managed to stay _paws-itive_ about it.”

Connie walked over and squeezed his hand. “Thanks for taking care of me.” Steven smiled back but recognized the look on Connie’s face, which was why he was ready when she said, “It’s like it’s a _cat-egorical_ imperative for you.”

He blinked. Okay, maybe he wasn’t ready for it. “Um.”

Connie laced her fingers through his own. “Oh, it’s from a philosopher named Kant. Peridot did a module on Enlightenment-era thinkers and-”

They stopped and stared at the barren patch of the clearing where the picnic had been set up before. Their backpacks were propped up against a tree where they’d left them but everything else had been picked clean.

Large footprints were visible in the dirt, the kind of prints you’d get if, say, a large, purple sasquatch had bundled up all of your picnic gear and walked off with it. The Voleur Violet had struck, possibly for the last time on this planet.

Still, it wasn’t even in the top three weirdest things to happen to them this week.

The two of them shouldered their backpacks. Connie looked chagrined. “Sorry your basket got swiped.”

Steven waved her off. “It’s fine, Connie. My dad has, like, a dozen more in the garage.” They began to walk back toward the warp pad they’d used earlier. “How are you feeling?”

Connie shrugged. “Like I did this big workout without stretching properly. I’ll be fine though. Probably. I think I might give the whole shapeshifting thing a pass for a while.”

Steven bobbed his head. “Yeah, I can imagine. Still, it’s a pity?”

Connie looked at him, perplexed. “Why’s that?”

“Because then we’d have a sure-fire way of sneaking you into Funland.”

Connie snickered but shook her head. “Steven, we can warp places now. I think we’ve got options besides Funland.”

Steven tapped his chin and nodded. “True. Any come to mind?”

Connie smiled. “There’s this neat place called Mask Island I’d kind of like to check out sometime. It’s supposed to be really pretty.”

Steven stepped onto the warp pad. “Whoa! A place called Mask Island _has_ to be cool. Where’d you hear about that?!”

Connie stood beside him on the pad, grinning. “A little bird told me.”

The two vanished in a column of light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The art for this chapter came from MjStudioArts and BurdenKing.
> 
> Stay tuned next week for the final gem in our final chapter of Episode 24.
> 
> * * *
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


	8. Pearl

Connie was walking back from breakfast at Steven's house when she saw Peridot helicopter down from atop the temple, a crosswind nearly blowing her into the gem nose carved into the structure. She waved then jogged over when her guardian touched down on the sand nearby. Peridot reconfigured her floating fingers and then met Connie with a hug.

"Hello dear. Did your morning nourishment at the Steven's go well?"

Connie stepped back quickly, trying to escape the smell of ozone and acetone that clung to Peridot. The chemical aroma tickled her nose and prompted a pair of high-pitched and percussive squeeks, what Lapis affectionately referred to as 'mouse sneezes.' Rubbing her nose and sniffing, Connie said, "Yes ma'am. I'm pretty sure Steven's mom is trying to invite me over as much as possible just so they have more help eating the fruits and veggies from her garden."

That Mrs. Universe had, when Steven and his dad were elsewhere, asked casually if Connie and Steven were getting along well _together_ , the woman subtly inviting Connie to share anything on her mind... 

Connie strategically omitted that detail.

Peridot's tethered fingers began to dust her off autonomously. "It is the appropriate time of the local growing season for a number of staples," observed Peridot. "Please convey my gratitude for their caloric contribution to your well-being. Oh, and I apologize for the nasal irritants," she said gesturing at herself. "I was performing maintenance on the temple's antennas and I'm afraid the gusty conditions blew some of the fumes back on me. I will undergo cleaning at the earliest available opportunity."

At that the pair began walking toward the Beach House stairs, Connie making a point to remain upwind.

Like a pebble in her shoe, there was a thought that she couldn't go more than a few steps without noticing. She'd left the matter be last night and this morning, but since it was just her and Peridot right now...

Once the two of them reached the deck Connie paused (still upwind) and waited.

"You're looking pensive, dear. Is something on your mind?"

Connie licked her lips, trying to find the right approach. "You know how, as a half gem, I wasn't made for shapeshifting? How the very concept of me shapeshifting is preposterous?" Unable to think of something better, she'd opted to just rephrase Peridot's own words on the subject.

Her green guardian nodded. "Certainly. Shapeshifting acts via reconfiguring a gem's projected hard light body. That a biological body could undergo such a transformation is far-fetched, to say the least. Besides, yours is a more than adequate form with no need for such a wasteful use of energy." Her swept-up hair swayed in the gusty wind. "Why do you ask?"

The wood of the deck was suddenly very interesting to Connie. "On my birthday, I turned into a little girl and back. Doesn't that count as shapeshifting?" she asked, looking up at the end.

Peridot's limb enhancers fidgeted a little. "Well, that is superficially _similar_ shapeshifting, true, but such a process isn't wholly unknown among Earth's organic species. Why the _Turritopsis dohrnii_ , colloquially known as the immortal jellyfish, reverts back to an immature polyp state as part of its life cycle." She smiled at Connie forcefully.

"You think that was me," and Connie couldn't keep the skepticism out of her voice, "being like a jellyfish instead of a gem?"

Peridot’s demeanor shifted in front of Connie’s eyes, the gem’s expression becoming dour if not outright bitter. "Shapeshifting," said Peridot in a clipped tone, "is not intrinsic to gemkind." Adding through clenched teeth, "Widespread but not ubiquitous."

Connie blinked. "Really?"

Her guardian's tension-laden silence had a sobering effect on Connie. She'd been worried at first that this might have been another 'glasses and carrots' situation. That didn't look to be the case anymore.

Though what she'd _actually_ stumbled into, she had no idea.

Biting the metaphorical bullet, Connie took the plunge. "I thought it was impossible too but the other day, I, uh, turned into a cat," her tone sounding guilty by the end.

Peridot blinked. "A cat?"

Connie swallowed and nodded. "A brown cat. With crinkled ears. Steven says it's called a Scottish fold."

"You shapeshifted. Into a domesticated feline." Another blink. "Were you the same relative height or-"

She shook her head. "No. Cat-sized. Like, uh, about this big." She held her palms up about a nine inches apart. "More-or-less." She played with the hem of her shirt a little, adding, "I'm not sure exactly."

The silence between Connie and Peridot stretched out, the moment growing heavier and more awkward with each second. That child-like feeling of having done something wrong swelled inside Connie and it was all she could do not to apologize on the spot, if only to cut through the tension.

Then, in a quiet voice, Peridot asked, "What was it like?"

 _What?_ Connie mentally staggered and wondered for a second if her hearing aids were working right. "Oh, it was nice, at first anyway. Being a cat is very relaxing. But I don't think I wanted to go back to being Connie at the end so it was-" She suppressed a shudder. "-Tricky changing back."

Peridot took a step forward, her face looming large in Connie's vision. "And do you recall the steps by which you accomplished this feat? The emotional and physiological triggers involved?" Her guardian's voice had grown louder than it needed to be, standing inches away from Connie like that, and her expression was intense.

Connie resisted the urge to turn down the volume on her hearing aids. "I mean, I think so. I got some good advice from-" Connie literally bit her tongue, teeth snapping shut like a trap to keep the word 'Amethyst' from escaping. Clearing her throat she said, "From, uh, Steven. He had some good ideas of how to try it."

The limb enhancer-clad gem paused, her aura of intensity diminishing, and she took a clumsy step back. Her floating fingers entered a diagnostic check while she looked chagrined. "Very, erm, fascinating, dear. After I've had the chance to assemble the appropriate scanning equipment, we'll have to study this phenomenon thoroughly. Unlocking the ability to shapeshift is a long sought-after achievement for gems like you and-" Peridot seemed to run into her own verbal wall. Trying again, she said, "It is of profound academic interest." Her enhancers finished their diagnostic and she gestured toward the door. "A-After you, my dear."

Feeling relieved but with the nagging sensation that she was missing something, Connie approached the house. Opening the door, she glanced back and saw Peridot looking at her, the gem's face inexplicably sad.

There was a chime and a flash of light as Connie and Peridot stepped inside.

* * *

"Blue, if you keep this up I might start thinking you missed me."

Bismuth, recently returned from her walk in and around the grounds of Rose's fountain, had Lapis glommed onto her leg. The blue limpet had latched on moments after the smith arrived and refused to budge, though Bismuth seemed perfectly capable of walking around despite the passenger.

Lapis, arms wrapped around a purple-clad trunk-like leg, scoffed. "As if. On an unrelated note, you wanna go somewhere later?" She craned her head up, staring with bright eyes at the rainbow-haired rebel.

Forearm transformed into a crowbar, Bismuth pried Lapis free. She peered down at the hydrokinetic, equal parts amused and perplexed. "There was an old bunker Garnet and I were going to open up. Place is a loud noise away from caving in, to hear her tell it. Wasn't built by me, then," she boasted.

Lapis summoned her wings and flapped herself into a standing position. "Hey! I love old gem structures!" She clapped her hands together. "Let's go!"

She started walking toward the warp pad, seemingly oblivious to the large hand impeding her. "Blue-" Bismuth sighed. "Fine, but if you're coming then you'll have to behave with Garnet there. If things break down between you two, the ceiling breaks down on all three of us."

Lapis puffed herself up, hooking her thumbs under imaginary overalls. "I'll have you know, I'm great at getting along with people. And if anyone tells you otherwise, I'll wash 'em out to sea."

Bismuth gave Lapis a _look_.

Lapis squirmed. "No, I get it, BM. I'll play nice. Just-" She relaxed and gave an easy grin that was very nearly convincing. "I don't want to have to find a lost bunker and dig out a thousand tons of rubble so I can point and laugh at you when you get buried. Much less work if I just tag along instead."

Thick arms crossed under a smirk. "Gonna be there to dance on my shards, eh?"

This time Lapis' smile was genuine. "I've had a couple thousand years of practice."

Connie cleared her throat. Beside her, Peridot tapped her gravity connector impatiently.

The gems looked a little surprised just then by the fact that other people existed. "Yyyeees?" said Lapis in a comedic, borderline-unctuous voice.

"You guys are completely blocking the back half of the Beach House." Connie's hands had migrated to her hips, her expression impatient.

Lapis and Bismuth shared a look. With a flash of light Bismuth's arms stretched out into halberds that reached from kitchen counter to couch. Lapis, meanwhile, grew into a decent approximation of Jasper and used her bulk to further obstruct the way forward.

The pair snickered.

A green glow enveloped Bismuth and she suddenly found herself rotated horizontally and levitated just below the rafters. Muttering something bitter under her breath, Connie only catching the phrase 'Era-1 clods,' Peridot tromped under, her tractor beam trained on the bewildered smith.

The temple door opened and then shut.

"Whoa!" Bismuth landed face-first on the hardwood floor.

Lapis returned to her normal shape and gave Connie a questioning look.

Connie opened her mouth. Then she saw in her mind's eye an entire afternoon given over to detangling the emotional knot of her fellow Crystal Gems. Her imagination even helpfully provided a scenario where Jasper warped back from patrol to find Bismuth and Lapis about to join Garnet on what was effectively a mission. The hypothetical Connie of that scene looked straight at her and mouthed the words, 'Get out of here.'

Connie closed her mouth. She stepped lightly around the large gem on the floor and then all but ran for the warp pad. Just before the beam of light enveloped her she called out, "Have a good time wi-" and she was gone.

Bismuth climbed to her feet and looked at Lapis, an eyebrow raised in unspoken question.

Lapis shook her head, pigtails swaying with the motion. "Don't ask me. I just live here."

* * *

Connie got within fifty feet of the barn when she stumbled slightly. Looking down she expected to find a loose rock or a tree root. Instead she found a thin line of twine that had previously been pulled tight, nearly invisible in the high grass. One end of the tripwire was anchored to a tree maybe ten feet distant. The other disappeared in the direction of some bushes.

She looked around, studying her environment carefully to see if anything happened. It was a hot August day, the summer sunlight obscured only by a thin cover of cirrus clouds. The grass was swaying in the faint breeze that came off the bay. Ahead Connie could see the telltale sign of the hologram shrouding the barn, the cloud cover not lining up perfectly where the effect ended. There was the drone of summer insects and several birds flitted about.

As far as Connie could tell, none of them were purple.

When nothing continued to happen Connie gave a mental shrug and continued, carefully, to approach the Universe family barn.

About twenty feet later was another tripwire. Just ahead of it was a muddy expanse of grass, as though there were an old ditch that still had water in it from a recent rain.

It had been sunny all week.

Summoning a large, horizontal force field about three feet off the ground, Connie climbed up and walked across the muddy stretch. The threat of soggy shoes was reason enough, but Connie had a hunch she was bypassing worse. Hadn't Peedee said something about a crocodile?

It was a weird sensation stepping through the hologram. There was a ripple in the air and then it was suddenly dimmer out, as though a thick cloud had passed over the sun. If she looked straight back the way she came, the world looked normal. There was her force field and over there, the faint sparkle of sunlight reflecting off the warp pad. But when she moved her head to either side the view grew dimmer. It was like she was at an aquarium and looking edge-on at the glass barrier.

The sky directly overhead was the clear blue of early afternoon. To either side it looked progressively later in the day. Connie found it unsettlingly like the Chronomancer's Cabin out of _The Unfamiliar Familiar_.

 _So this is what it feels like to be a_ Lutes and Loot _character,_ thought Connie as she advanced slowly and carefully around the barn's exterior, on the lookout for any other traps or strange, magical effects. _Makes me wish I had a ten-foot pole to poke things as I went._

There was one more tripwire and Connie climbed over another inexplicable, soggy ditch before she reached the front of the barn. She could have walked over from the warp pad to the dirt road and arrived that way, but something told her the direct approach would be _worse_. There was a rusted chain with a shiny padlock keeping the barn door shut. Connie flipped the padlock over and dialed in the combination Steven had told her: one-two-three-four-five.

The lock popped open. There was a clang and a brief sound of movement inside. It could have been a raccoon. Connie doubted it was.

Throwing her weight into the effort, Connie pulled on one of the heavy barn doors which slowly slid open, moving along casters that squeaked overhead.

The hologram-skewed sunlight lit the interior only dimly. The disassembled husk of an airplane dominated the view, the wings conspicuously absent. The walls were lined neatly with boxes and the floor appeared swept. The air seemed foggy, a riot of dust particles glowing in the sunlight.

"Hello?" Connie took a tentative step forward. "Pearl? It's Connie." She peered into the gloom. Warning bells were ringing loudly in Connie HQ and a part of her expected Peedee to tell her, Jeff, Steven, and Jasper to roll for initiative. "I just came to visit. It's- It's just me so you don't have to hide." The air had a faintly gritty quality to it and Connie found herself suppressing the urge to sneeze.

A tall, pale figure glowing faintly walked forward. It was Pearl-like but it definitely wasn't Pearl and Connie snatched up her saber in a surge of adrenaline.

"Patron identified. Welcome. Connie," it said in a high-pitched monotone.

 _What?_ Connie stared dumbly until the memory tumbled into place. _Pearl's hologram!_ She'd seen them briefly during her reunion with the gem about a month ago.

The ghostly not-Pearl walked past Connie and looked outside. In that same shrill monotone it announced. "Ticket for. One. Please wait for. Seating."

The hologram stepped to the side like an unassuming usher and then went still. Connie looked around, absolutely unsure what to expect next. She lowered her sword but kept her grip on it.

Then everything happened at once.

A circle of clear appeared in the air beside Connie, expanding out like a ripple in the surface of a pond, sweeping the dust haze to the inner walls of the barn. There was a brief cascade of fine sand or powder from the walls and then the air was clear.

One of the 'walls' of boxes wavered and then vanished as a holographic veil was disabled. In its place was an array of workstations made out of cobbled together parts. Some had assorted power tools and materials in various stages of assembly (or disassembly, it was hard to tell). One had what looked like a chemistry set, only with plastic soda bottles instead of Erlenmeyer flasks and cans of Sterno where the would have been Bunsen burners.

The opposite wall of boxes vanished as well showing an orderly stack of... stuff. It was as though someone had combined the contents of a junkyard, a machine shop, and a particularly eclectic yard sale into one and then meticulously organized them.

In contrast with the order below, the lofts were instantly recognizable to Connie as belonging to Amethyst. She was at a bad angle to look at what was up there, but spilling over one side and fluttering lightly from a breeze was a familiar looking picnic blanket. The picnic basket Amethyst had swiped was probably up there too.

And against the back wall, towering high enough it brushed the support timbers, was the spaceship. It was a skeleton of metal with various bits filled in, teeming with wires, salvaged gemtech, aviation parts, and things stranger still. At least now Connie knew where the absent airplane wings had gone.

An elegant white figure stepped out from behind the partially-constructed craft. Her hands were clasped in front of her and a gentle smile appeared beneath a pointed nose.

"Hello Connie." The gem's voice was light and expression pleased even as her bearing remained rigid: back straight, shoulders back, posture perfect. In a weird way it sort of reminded Connie of Jasper. "I'm very happy you've come." A hint of wariness crept in to her features. "The proximity alarm, that _was_ just you, right?"

 _Proximity- Oh, the tripwires. They must be hooked up to some sort of silent alarm._ Connie nodded her head. "Yeah, just me."

Without seeming to move a muscle, Pearl relaxed and her smile became just a little wider. "Then welcome. Please, make yourself at home."

The gemstone in her forehead flashed and a moment later a holo-pearl was carrying a seat over. Connie sat, offering the hard light construct a, "Th-Thanks," and receiving a curt bow in response. When Connie looked back at Pearl she found the gem fussing with something over in the chemistry set.

"I am given to understand that a hot beverage and foodstuff is expected when treating visiting humans." Pearl flitted about gracefully but with nervous energy. "I'm afraid I lack the materials and skill to prepare a roast or turkey, but I believe hot tea and pre-wrapped snack packs are feasible... provided Amethyst hasn't eaten the tea leaves." She turned to face Connie, visibly discombobulated. "Does tea require specific leaves or will any leaves do? Because if it's the latter-"

Connie sprung out of her seat and ran over to Pearl, pulling the gem into a tight hug. Pearl seemed surprised by this but a moment later Connie felt the feather-light touch of her hugging back. "You don't need to do anything like that, Pearl. I came to see you, not... eat a roast."

Meanwhile, a very insistent holo-pearl had picked up the chair and brought it over, the edge of the seat pressing against the back of Connie's knees.

"Oh, and tea is made from tea leaves, which don't grow around here," she added.

"Ah, then the brew Amethyst made from local- No matter." The soft hold grew fractionally firmer and then Pearl released her and stepped back. "I’m grateful for your visit. Would you like a tour of the facilities?"

At Connie's nod Pearl turned and walked over to one of the ad hoc chemistry sets. Connie kept pace. Further back, the holo-pearl picked up Connie's seat and followed after.

"These stations are where I distill and refine a number of the chemical agents needed to build, treat, or fuel the launch craft."

Connie gawked at the ersatz laboratory. "You know how to make _jet fuel_?!"

"Chemical propellants aren't commonplace on Homeworld but there were manuals available in this building's collection that provide the basics." Pearl glanced guiltily at a section of clean-but-blackened wall. "There was some trial and error involved in perfecting the approach."

"Still that's really-" Connie blinked, looking around the barn that, even with a spaceship in it was substantially emptier than when Steven's dad had been using it for storage. "What happened to all the stuff in here, by the way?"

"I made a full inventory and stockpiled what items seemed relevant to the task at hand," and Pearl gestured to the orderly pile of stuff lining the opposite wall. "I then stored the remainders in my gem and transported them to several hidden caches Amethyst and I have scattered around the area." Pearl seemed to balk at some perceived impropriety and added, "The goods are kept in a dry and sheltered environment. It is my hope to return everything to its original location before Amethyst and I depart."

Connie took this in, staring at the barn and envisioning just how many boxes Pearl must have relocated. She'd heard that Pearls were 'good at holding your stuff' but that seemed wildly excessive.

"You- You can really store that much in your gemstone?" she breathed.

With a minute bow, Pearl said primly, "I had to convey it over multiple trips. There are limits to the volume and density I can store, however," and she leaned in slightly, a pleased-bordering-on-smug expression on her face, "I've seen other Pearls in action and they don't handle things half so well as I do."

Connie wasn't quite sure why, maybe it was the surprise of hearing Pearl brag about something instead of always deflecting praise, but this got a giggle out of her. Pearl's smile deepened and the two shared a moment before the gem straightened up and was serious once more. 

They walked across the barn to an area beside the orderly pile of parts. Behind them, a certain holo-pearl picked up Connie's chair and followed after.

"And over here we have-" Pearl motioned toward a single long table with ship parts in various states of assembly scattered across it. The gem went silent and a look of annoyance flashed across her face. A beat later she mastered her expression once more. "Apologies. I dispelled the holographic aids during the proximity alert. Oh, if this pushes the timetable back further I'll be so cross with myself."

Pearl's gemstone glowed and a holo-pearl sprang into being. "Welcome, Patron. Please wait to be seated." The gemstone flashed again and again until seven more hard light holograms appeared.

"Welcome patr- // Welcome- // Wel- // -ron. Please- // Please wait to- // -to be seat- // -be seated."

Pearl gave Connie an apologetic look and then addressed the eight holographic facsimiles. "Engage prop assembly protocol Delta-Victor-nine-point-eight."

Eight monotone responses voices replied, "Affirmative," and got to work, each doing a small task --screwing two pieces together, applying a chemical coating to one face, using shears to shorten a widget by a clearly-marked length-- before passing the component to the next in the chain.

Connie's eyebrows went up. "That's an assembly line."

Pearl nodded, her expression still tinged with embarrassment. "Yes. The holographic aids are intended to help with theater productions, performing simple tasks and acting as ushers."

As if to underscore her point, Connie felt a pressure on the back of her knees and, looking over her shoulders, she saw that one holo-pearl still following after her, ready with her seat.

Pearl shook her head and, with a flash of her gemstone, the tenacious hard light construct vanished. "They are helpful but a bit simple. Still, with proper direction, they can assemble props or rocket components."

The holo-pearl at the end of the chain snapped two pieces together and placed the result carefully into a box. "Scene twenty-six, act two - The Escape: fabrication complete."

Pearl really did look chagrined. "It's surprisingly difficult, however, to update their vocabulary." Then, with swift efficiency she guided Connie to the barn's centerpiece.

The girl shook her head as they went. This entire setup reminded her _strongly_ of Peridot's own efforts to make do with scavenged tech. There were signs here and there that hinted that Pearl wasn't as adept at tinkering as Peridot, but then it sounded like Pearl's starting point was of a theater director/personal assistant rather than Homeworld technician.

"And here we have the ship itself." The gem spoke with her usual mild tone but the pride in her voice was unmistakable. "It's still very much a work-in-progress but the chassis is complete, most of the major components have been installed, and the chemical fuel needed to attain escape velocity has been synthesized."

Connie was still waiting for her eyebrows to climb down from the top of her forehead. "Pearl, this is _incredible!_ I can't believe you've done all of this by yourself-" 

From the assembly line: "Fabrication complete."

"-Using just your own skills and powers," Connie amended.

Pearl demurred, offering a modest bow. "That is kind of you to say, Connie, but I’m only imitating other, more competent gems. A number of vital components came from Amethyst's many stashes, she having gathered a fair amount of gemtech over the millennia. The ship design is one I repurposed from a recreational racing craft the gem I serve commissioned. The assembly techniques are ones I learned supervising the technicians." She pulled a face and added, "They could be most inattentive if left to their own devices."

For a moment Connie was speechless before the magnitude of Pearl's humility. She was even worse than Steven, who was sometimes so modest Connie had to resist the urge to grab him by the shoulders and shout, 'You're awesome!' as if physical restraint would keep him from deflecting the compliment.

Instead, the girl pointed at the barn door. "Did these technicians have to use holograms to disguise their base from surveillance?!"

Pearl's bow deepened slightly. "No, but in theatrical productions holographic displays on that scale were employed. Using them to hide a barn instead of the backstage area is no great accomplishment."

"You have tripwires and moats and Peedee said something about a crocodile guarding this place!"

"All simple additions, and while Amethyst makes a fine crocodile," Pearl said, looking a little bemused, "I'm afraid she never seems to commit to the role."

"Actually-" Connie blinked and looked around. "Where _is_ Amethyst?"

"She departed some time ago to fetch a part from one of the caches," said Pearl, breezily. "I suspect she has paused to take a nap as well. A wonderful gem, Amethyst, but a little undisciplined at times."

 _That's putting it lightly,_ thought the girl. Then something occurred to Connie, a suspicion that sharpened into near-certainty, something that would _have_ to let one of Connie's compliments land.

"Pearl, what if I hadn't come alone? Or if it wasn't me at all, but Lapis or Jasper that came in?"

Pale fingers pointed to an anonymous section of the back wall. "If the internal holographic screens were seen through then that section of wall would collapse and a pair of gems would appear to escape through it. That combined with the fog would hopefully be enough to convince the Crystal Gems that the pair of holographic aids were Amethyst and me. Meanwhile, the two of us would get out via the escape tunnel."

Connie's jaw dropped. With some effort she mumbled, "Escape tunnel?"

Pearl was nonchalant. "Amethyst dug it out. It's very small and nondescript and exits quite a ways from the barn. Amethyst would have to poof me and carry my gem with her --my own shapeshifting talents are inadequate to the task-- and, hopefully, the two of us would be able to start over somewhere else. It would be a large setback but I've organized our resource caches to be widely distributed so that the loss of any one is non-catastrophic."

Connie stared at Pearl, too blown away to articulate words. Then, unable to contain herself, she reached forward and grabbed Pearl by the shoulders and shouted, "You're awesome!"

"Please remain. Quiet. During the performance," said one of the distant holo-pearls. Other than that and the noise of the assembly line, the barn was silent.

Connie felt a surge of embarrassment, hastily letting go of Pearl and stepping back a pace, her cheeks flushing.

Pearl, meanwhile, was wide-eyed and staring ahead, stunned. Slowly her eyes focused on the floor in front of Connie. In a flat voice she said, "That's very kind of you to say, Connie, but I’m only imitating-" Then, a fierce, teal blush coloring her cheeks, she stepped forward and pulled Connie into a hug. She was even slightly more than feather-light in her embrace.

Connie leaned into the gem. It still felt marvelous that Pearl was here, that even in a life as strange as Connie's, her literal storybook companion would be real. The gem's hold was comforting on a number of levels.

"Thank you," Pearl said in a whisper.

* * *

After hugging it out, after Connie sat down and had a snack pack (but fortunately no 'tea'), Pearl asked if there was anything Connie wanted to do. While there was more work on the ship that Pearl could be doing, she'd run into some supply bottlenecks soon enough and would be forced to wait for Amethyst to return or the assembly line to progress further _and was there anything Connie would enjoy that Pearl could help her with?_

Pearl had this odd talent for being extremely deferential and pushy at the same time.

And no sooner than Connie had gotten the words out of her mouth then Pearl had guided them out of the barn --restoring all the internal holograms and setting up several remote alert systems to notify her if anyone approached-- and toward a clearing suitable for their purposes.

Because apparently the barn just wouldn't do for reenacting the dramatic confrontation between the hero and the Evil One, the scene Connie had been reading nearly ten months ago when she'd summoned her sword.

Pearl paced the clearing, scrutinizing it with an expert's eye. "Yes, this could work. I envisioned the Chamber of Opulence as being much longer than we have room for, and rigging up a treadmill for you would be impractical, but with careful use of negative space in the decor, we can give the illusion of the room being larger than it is."

The pale gem's excitement was palpable. Connie had expected the two of them to go out behind the barn and quote some lines while waving sticks around. Pearl, however, was planning a _production._

Two holo-pearls sprang into existence and, at Pearl's instruction, marked in the soil the boundaries of the room as well as several prominent objects. Then Pearl's gemstone flashed and a large sack landed heavily on the ground with a thud. Loosening the drawstring at the top, Pearl opened the bag, extended her hand, and a mist rose up into the air overhead.

Connie's eyebrow muscles were a little tired from their previous workout but would get no rest today, it would seem. "Whoa," she breathed.

Pearl heard and looked her way, all while the mist continued to grow, filling more and more of the clearing. "Is there a problem, Connie?"

"I just-" Connie stepped back to give her a few feet of clearance from the expanding haze. "What is that? Are you controlling it?"

The pale gem stepped out of the thin cloud and addressed Connie. "It's very fine-grain sand. I have the ability to manipulate tiny particles: dust, sand, mist. It's very useful in cleaning, as you can imagine. It was also how I maintained the fog inside the barn."

Connie ran her hand through the cloud, feeling the merest hints of grit on her skin as she did. "Can you make sand storms or sand-blades or condense mist into water bullets?" _If she's able to manipulate water then Lapis will get even more upset if Pearl gets caught._

The resident hydrokinetic could be quite territorial in that regard.

Pearl shook her head. "No. Even a pint of sand is more than I can manipulate, and I certainly can't move it with enough force to injure. Water is even trickier since droplets in contact with one another merge into drops and those are too large for me to control." She flexed her dainty fingers and gave an affectionate glance at the particles swirling around them. "Sand is nice because it remains discrete. And it is surprising how wide an area a cup or two of sand can be spread out."

That explained a few things. But not the obvious. "Okay, but why the cloud here?"

"Oh, to shroud us from aerial surveillance, to help with the light level --the Evil One's chamber can hardly be brightly lit, after all-- and to help add an illusion of substance to the holograms," explained Pearl matter-of-factly.

There go those eyebrows again. "You're going to bring out a hologram projector for this?!"

Pearl's smile was kept small, as though the gem felt it would be rude to grin too broadly at Connie's ignorance. "Moving a holo-projector here and programming it correctly would take quite a lot of time and I know you're a busy girl, Connie. I thought it'd be better if I just made the holograms myself and we fine-tuned the details as we went."

With a flash of the oblong gemstone set in her forehead, a pedestal appeared in one of the marked sections in the soil. It was white, or maybe a very pale blue, and transparent. Atop it sat a ghostly urn with simple designs: a wicked figure looking satisfied while silhouettes below writhed in agony and defeat. Connie hadn't imagined that exactly in her mental depiction of the Evil One's chamber, but it certainly looked like it belonged. She waved her hand through it, the hologram offering no more resistance than Peridot's displays. Sure enough, the haze surrounding it helped hide its insubstantial nature.

 _Soft light holograms can interact with light and, very weakly, the air, enough to permit sound generation. Anything more substantial requires hard light,_ lectured Peridot’s memory within Connie's mind.

And over the next half hour Pearl conjured walls, a floor, pillars, a menacing throne upon a raised platform, tapestries, all while consulting with Connie. And though she wasn’t as emotive as Lapis or Bismuth or Amethyst, it was clear, haze or no haze, that Pearl was loving every second of it.

* * *

Connie peered at the figures on the tapestries, depictions of the various guises of the Evil One as she perpetrated her heinous rise to power. There was something familiar about one of them.

"Hey Pearl?"

The gem had pulled a few actual, material props from her gemstone --A rolled up carpet to be spread out, a wrought iron brazier complete with coals, a wooden stand draped in chains-- and was directing her holo-pearls in positioning them. She quickly and gracefully walked over, hands clasped in front of her. "Yes, Connie?"

"I saw a statue of this gem once." Connie's memories from the Sanctuary always had something of a dream-like quality to them, but it helped that she hadn't seen many depictions of a gem using a bow. "I think her name was Novaculite. Are these drawings based on real gems?"

Pearl gave a small nod. "It's more of a pastiche than a direct representation. During the war, after the gem I serve... was waylaid, a number of rebels moved into her residence. They used it as a base of operations for a time. They left me to my work, maintaining the building in anticipation for her return. At first there were... altercations."

Those poor, poor eyebrow muscles. "You fought them?!"

The gem blinked. Then a single note of laughter, trilling and musical, escaped Pearl before she caught herself and went silent, offering Connie an apologetic bow. "No. A Pearl is not built for fighting. The rebels attempted to order me about, to obstruct me in my duties until their general commanded them to leave me unimpeded."

"I forget sometimes," said Connie, her voice low, "that you were never a member of the Rebellion."

Pearl drew herself up into a formal pose, something Connie was beginning to suspect was her equivalent of an anxious fidget, clasping her hands primly in front of her instead of wringing them nervously. "My duty is and has always been to the gem I serve. She is loyal to Homeworld and I am loyal to her. It's not that I was opposed to the philosophical arguments of the Rebellion, but..." She trailed off then gave Connie another bow. "Apologies, Connie. That was inconsiderate of me. And obviously in conflict with your own vision for the scene. I will change it at once."

"No." Connie objected quickly but softly. "I don't mind. This story meant the world to me and it was you in that book, speaking to me. The Hero and the Companion. It's your story at least as much as it's mine so I think these details that mean something to you should stay."

There was a sniff and Connie looked up to see Pearl tearing up. "Oh... Okay...!" Retrieving a handkerchief from her gemstone, she wiped the tears away. "If that's how you feel..."

It was a tender moment and one Connie, in retrospect, completely trampled on when a realization rocked her. _'-Until their general commanded them to leave me unimpeded.'_ "YOU MET MOM?!"

Pearl went rigid, once more assuming her servile at-attention stance, her equivalent of jumping in surprise. Then she relaxed slightly and said, "I'm afraid not, Connie. Much to the consternation of my interrogators, I only ever interacted with Rose Quartz and rebels under her command."

Connie scanned the decorations in the 'room' until she found it: a figure who looked like the pink figure in the mural she'd seen in the Inverted Pyramid, who looked like the statue crying atop the fountain.

Rose Quartz.

"What-" Connie had to lick her lips, the girl too distracted to notice the faint grit that brought with it. "What was Rose like?"

Pearl walked over so gracefully she appeared to glide. "Physically imposing, like most Quartzes; persuasive; commanding; fearsome at times but more often than not, surprisingly gentle. She seemed sad much of the time, and when others weren't present... lonely. A feeling I was quite familiar with, maintaining my vigil." Pearl's voice caught and she turned briefly away from Connie, as if examining some other tapestry for imperfections. 

"She invited me to serve the Rebellion, or even her personally." Pearl faced Connie once more, her expression carefully neutral. "A kind gesture, if a foolish one. A Pearl does not choose who she serves and besides, my service is to a gem who is splendid, wise, and great." She gave Connie a bright look even though her smile stayed modest. "It will be good to return to her side at long last."

Connie managed what she hoped was a pleased expression despite the hollow feeling inside her; it was a fresh emotional blow everytime she was reminded that Pearl was about to be leaving Earth forever.

"Anyway," said Pearl, "I wanted your opinion on the throne's platform. Do you feel like it conveys the right air of menace? I patterned it after the command station an Emerald..."

* * *

“The hero was nearing the end of her arduous journey; she could feel it!” narrated Pearl, the gem obscured by the holograms and fog both. “Standing at the door of what could possibly be the final room of the Evil One’s keep, her friends and allies were standing firm at her back, ready to hold the line so she could triumph once and for all.”

Connie felt a chill race down her spine, excitement mingling with the unnatural and borderline eerie surroundings. Pearl had done a _good job_ on the set. 

Ten months ago, when Connie had summoned her sword, she’d been holding nothing save the book. While she was wanting to recreate that moment, she’d spent a good portion of the time in-between carrying a saber, and she didn’t think pretending to wield a sword would work for her anymore. She was holding it now and she’d silently resolved that if _she did_ summon her sword, _THE_ sword, she’d just drop the saber.

Or transfer the saber to her other hand.

Or let her gem weapon blast the saber to pieces during its grand, electrical reveal.

She wasn’t letting go of that gem weapon, was the point. Possibly ever. 

“With sword in hand, the hero strode through the grand, black and gold doors into the massive chamber,” recited Pearl.

The other reason Connie was grinning so hard it hurt was because it had been three months since she’d lost her storybook in Manikota. For three months she’d been unable to read one of her favorite stories, a tale of great personal significance. She’d asked Pearl if she remembered it well enough for them to do this scene. Pearl had given Connie a Mona Lisa smile and said in a dry but affectionate voice that she would remember every single word of that tale for another ten thousand years.

The ‘doors’ swung open. Though they’d been partially transparent to begin with, Connie could now see the interior of the Evil One’s chamber clearly. She suspected Pearl may have moved the interior fog out of the way like she was pulling back a curtain.

“The chamber hadn’t changed since she had last been in the presence of the Evil One. The walls were still lined with stolen gold and tapestries depicting false acts of greatness, monuments to the Evil One’s silver tongue, were ubiquitous. Those would be the first to burn after the Evil One’s defeat.”

Connie paced forward, slowly, peering back and forth. All the decorations were there, the room _looked_ right, _felt_ right. She could feel herself slipping into the role.

“But she knew better than to let her guard down! This looked far too easy; the hero was certain that this couldn’t be it. Then-” 

Connie jumped back as something struck out from the shadows, a spear, a real spear, the head long and serrated, looking every inch the sort of weapon a villain would wield, swinging out from the gloom.

“-the villain lashed out! The hero leapt backward as the Evil One’s blow shook the tile floor, a mortal blow narrowly avoided.” Pearl’s voice rose with the tension of the moment, passionate without being bombastic.

They had rehearsed but they needn’t have bothered, the words springing to Connie’s lips as easily as breathing.

“‘Even with all your power, you fight from the shadows?! You still haven’t changed, you coward!” taunted Connie and she laughed into the gloom.

Connie clenched the sword in her hand, feeling excitement course through her. Excitement and wariness, for this was the Evil One’s last refuge and the fell malefactor wouldn’t surrender so easily.

“Poised, with nerves of steel, the hero stood her ground, prepared to attack,” recited Pearl. “She moved forward once more, blade ready for another ambush.”

Connie advanced through the Evil One’s opulent and hubristic lair. “‘Come out and fight! Let us settle this once and for all,” boomed Connie, muscles honed by years of exercise coiled like steel springs, her sword gripped tightly.

“Suddenly, with a rush of wind, the torches and lanterns dimmed-” There was no wind, but the chamber grew murky with darkness as though a storm cloud had passed in front of the sun. “-casting the room into shadow. The Evil One now held the advantage,” intoned Pearl, the gem’s voice growing insidious. “The dark was her brother, sister, father, and mother all in one. It had been her most constant ally, her most dangerous weapon. Now, it acted as the villain’s shield, protecting her from righteous recompense while she skulked in the gloom, hunting for the right moment to attack.”

Connie’s heart was pounding in her ears. She felt tingly, liked she’d touched a live wire, and she could feel… she could feel _something_. Was that a flicker of yellow? It was hard to tell.

Pearl’s narration resumed. “But today, even darkness itself flinched in the presence of the hero!”

This was it! It had to be! Connie felt like something, something deep inside her, was trying to rise up to the surface. Like a blurry image waiting to _snap_ into focus. Like a conflagration waiting for that spark to set it ablaze. Something was trying to take form, energy, will, all primed, just waiting for that emotional trigger to send it _thundering_ into being!

“In a flash, her blade cleaved the shadows asunder and flew true towards the tyrant!”

Connie reached out, grasping for the weapon she _knew_ was there, roared her defiance to the Evil One, and-

There was the sound of her saber bouncing across the ground as it flew through the soft light constructs and tumbled.

It hadn’t worked. She’d felt it. She’d been so close. Everything was there, ready, thrumming with potential but… something had been missing. Something simple but crucial.

Pearl came over, head low, hands clasped in front of her, passing through a wall like a mournful ghost. “I am very sorry, Connie. There must have been something in the scene or my performance that rang false. Please forgive this servant her-”

That was entirely too much for Connie. Pearl had done everything and more and to hear her blaming herself was sheer injustice. Connie stepped forward and took Pearl’s hands in her own, gazing up at the gem’s face.

It was for that reason that she failed to notice the flicker of yellow light, her gemstone flaring briefly and then growing quiescent like a heated ember cooling back down.

“Pearl, no. Everything was perfect. And-” her voice hitched. Connie swallowed, eventually, and managed to choke down the raw emotions that threatened to overwhelm her. “And that was the first time in _so_ long where I felt anything like what I had that day on the beach. I- I’ve been so worried, deep down, that it was all a fluke. But, I mean, this was real. It _felt_ real.”

Pearl, visibly tearing up, pulled Connie into a hug. Around them the holograms faded and the mist, save for the screen overhead, neatly receded back into its sack. “Thank you,” she said for the second time that day. “Of all the things I am loath to leave behind, you are the most precious.”

That was it for Connie. There was no coming back from _that_. With almost grateful resignation, Connie allowed the feelings as tears to pour out, and Pearl was with her, sob for sob.

* * *

They walked back together, both feeling relaxed after a cathartic cleansing.

Connie breathed in and out, her limbs feeling leaden though not uncomfortably so. “How long do you think it’ll be before you and Amethyst are ready?”

“Two to four weeks,” answered Pearl, the gem wearing an easy smile and, for the first time Connie could recall, didn’t appear like she was braced to receive the lord or lady of the manor. “As I go I’m finding some components simply haven’t aged well and have to be replaced or made do without.”

She slowed and looked at Connie. “I could find a way to notify you before, if you would care to visit one last time.”

Connie grinned back, her smile, perhaps, tinged with a little sadness. “I’d like that very much. Thank you. For everything today.”

They bid their final farewell and Pearl returned to the barn while Connie made her way back towards the warp pad... Taking care to follow Pearl’s instructions to the letter for navigating the perimeter security.

Thinking back on it, the last two weeks had been quite the collection. It felt like she’d squeezed in a lot, doing something with pretty much every gem she knew, plus Steven and a few others besides. It hadn’t all been pleasant but what chaos or drama there’d been was pretty tame in comparison to what she’d grown to expect.

Breathing another sigh of relief, glad for the break (for however long it continued to last), Connie stepped onto the warp pad.

 _Enterprise: one to beam up._ Her gem glowed and the pillar of light engulfed her.

Yeah, that was never getting old.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The art for this chapter came from BurdenKing.
> 
> And so we come to the conclusion of _Gems-ology, The Collection_. I hope you have enjoyed this (mostly) relaxed tour of the gems in Connie's life. We really wanted to let Connie, and by extension, you, the readers, experience the post- _Loud and Clear_ , post- _Only Yesterday_ status quo that's settled into place. Don't worry, it'll no doubt be overturned soon enough. Per our schedule, we'll be taking the upcoming week off from the main fic, though some omake content will undoubtedly go up by next Wednesday. However, tune in the Wednesday following, August 15th, for **Episode 25: Steven's Birthday**.
>
>>   
>   
>  Steven is turning fifteen and everyone is invited to the party! Being used to birthdays only involving her, the gems, maybe her dad, and of course the occasional gem monster or power mishap, Connie doesn't know what to make of a perfectly normal birthday bash. It would seem her Crystal Gem training doesn't include how to navigate the typical or well-adjusted. How do humans do it?!
> 
>   
> 
> 
> * * *
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Keeping track of all the updates to Connie Swap can get a little difficult, can't it? It doesn't have to be! If you go to the [Connie Swap Series](http://archiveofourown.org/series/630527) page and click the " **Subscribe** " button then you will receive an email alert every time a new episode is posted or a new chapter is added to _ANY_ fic in Connie Swap.
> 
> One button. All the updates.


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